VICE NZRSS feed for https://www.vice.com/enhttps://www.vice.com/en%3Flocale%3Den_nzenWed, 13 Mar 2024 06:18:35 GMT<![CDATA[Why Your Friends Don’t Like Your New Partner And What You Should Do About It]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/qjv54b/why-your-friends-dont-like-your-new-partner-and-what-you-should-do-about-itWed, 13 Mar 2024 06:18:35 GMTIf you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

So you’re at the stage of finally introducing your partner to your inner circle. You’ve been hyping them up for days, weeks, months, God forbid, years. You all have something to eat, you chill out for a bit, and then go your separate ways. You text your friends after “What did you think of them?” Only to get an uncomfortable “I wasn’t really feeling them for you”, or worse, no answer at all

I’ve been guilty of this on both ends. In my first relationship, my ex was really shy and would feel overwhelmed by socialising with my friends. Because she was anxious, she didn’t get close with them and avoided nearly all events where she might see them. My friends took it as a rude rejection of them and a disinterest in wanting to be more involved in my personal life. Their stance was “If she doesn’t want to know us, we don’t want to know her”. 

Introducing your partner to your friends is anxiety-inducing, but it’s also an important vetting process. Studies have shown that relationships where the friend group approves of the partner are more likely to succeed. When you’re at the start of a new relationship and riding that honeymoon phase high, it’s easy to overlook (or not even see) major flaws in the person. Bad communication skills, possessive tendencies, a deep interest in AI art, etc. 

An awkward or unfriendly partner is one thing, but tThere’s nothing worse for a friendship than seeing a friend dating someone who is actively causing them harmith all the red flags laid out. I’ve had friends relay stories of abusive relationships and acts of neglect, wishing they could break-up. Toxic relationships are a complex issue, and someone might stay in one for a variety of reasons. In this case, there might be a need for more serious action, like letting your friend know you think they’re in a harmful relationship and that you’d like to support them in leaving it.

For example, because they feel emotionally trapped, have external pressures from family or are in a messy financial situation. Seeing this happen to a friend, and knowing you can’t just make them end it do anything to help can be emotionally exhausting. It becomes a herculean effort to muster up fake enthusiasm for your friend’s relationship because of all the shit you’ve heard.

Harmful relationships aside, there are still plenty of legit reasons your pals might not vibe with your partner. If your friends have voiced concern and doubt about your relationship, it’s easy to reject their perspective. 

If you’re unsure whether or not their points are valid,  take a step back and ask yourself these questions. 

Did I set up my partner to fail? 

Think about all the times in a relationship when you’ve had an argument with your partner and then vented to your friends about it. Whether it was over the dishes, a way they may have hurt you with something they’ve said or done, or general small behaviours that really get on your nerves. 

When you bring those details to your friends, and they affirm you, they validate your feelings and positions, you get to leave and go back to your partner and work through those issues. Your friends are left there with their perception of your partner clouded. If you do this too many times, and they don’t get to know your partner outside of those arguments, well, why would they like them? They just know you’re seeing someone that upsets and frustrates you all the time. 

Being honest with your friends about your partner is important, but be aware that if you’re disproportionately complaining about them that you’re probably creating a pretty negative image of them in the eyes of your mates. 

Are my friends right? 

Let’s say the above isn’t the case. You speak glowingly of your partner, however, your partner gives your friends “the ick”, and they let you know it. The natural questions running through your head might be “Are my friends right? Was it an off night? Or are they biased?” 

If your friends dislike your partner, you need to understand the “why”. If they’ve laid out a good case, such as the partner being rude to your friends or speak about you disrespectfully about you, then you need to pay attention to that. If you immediately reject your friends opinion or come across as hostile, you run the risk of hurting your friendship.  They most likely want what’s best for you, and while they might not have the full context like you do, their opinion still comes from a place of having your best interests in mind.  

However, there is the possibility that your friends don’t have your best interests at heart – They might prefer you to stay single so they don’t lose their time with you, there might be cultural or sexual differences that your friends just can’t understand, – and that’s why it’s important to truly understand the complaint, rather than reactively breaking up with that partner, or dropping that friendship altogether. 

Are past choices affecting my current relationship? 

Even if your new partner is lovely and charismatic, a previous messy relationship might still have friends reluctant to accept your new partner on the first meeting. If they know you’ve dated difficult people in the past it can be an automatic response to assume your new partner is a similar type of person.

It may time for the relationship to prove itself. This can take weeks, months, maybe even a year, but if your partner is genuine your friends will likely loosen up on their initial judgements over time.

What’s an unbiased opinion? 

If you feel like your friend is too biased, whether they’ve just come out of a relationship and aren’t in the right headspace to be happy for you, or are insecure about what that relationship might be doing to your friendship with them, it might be worth asking a different friend for a less biased opinion. 

Ask someone you trust will be honest with you on how they see the situation, and who you can lay out the full story to. If they’re a good friend, they’ll be able to give you a fair and honest read on who may or may not be in the wrong and also might hear you out if you’re choosing to stay. 

Should I keep bringing my partner to events with friends? 

Like most advice here, it’s going to be case by case. There’s a saying that your friends are typically “six months behind in the relationship”

If your friends knew you were in a rocky patch a while ago, but now the relationship is in a great spot, it’ll take some time and exposure for your friends to see that. They haven’t seen your personal growth, those open and honest conversations with them, the small things they do for you that make you love them. 

As your partner and friends spend more time together, they’ll (hopefully) become more relaxed around them, and may even find a friendship themselves. 

If you’re in a situation where you truly don’t feel you can bring your partner to things, it’s important to evaluate who and what matters to you most. A relationship shouldn’t cause you to be isolated and cut-off from people, and a good partner isn’t one you feel like you need to hide. If you trust your friends, and don’t see them ever warning to your partner, then the partner is more likely to be the problem. 

So, what should I do? 

If you take anything away from this, it’s that you can’t brute force a resolution. If you hear a friend say they don’t like your partner, you shouldn’t force interactions onto them, and you shouldn’t do it too soon. If your friends don’t like your partner, that isn’t a sign you should immediately break-up with them either. Give it time and allow your relationship to grow, but pay attention to the people who care about you if their concerns are more serious than your partner being boring or weird.

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<![CDATA[How to Deal With Being the Only Single One In the Group]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/y3wjmm/how-to-deal-with-being-the-only-single-one-in-the-groupFri, 08 Mar 2024 04:38:36 GMTIf you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

In this chaotic world there is one truth: nothing lasts forever.

One minute, you’re at university, drinking with your friends – hours stretched out at your fingertips. Hours to dance, learn new things, date around and have sex. 

Then, one by one, your friendship group grows up. Uni graduation comes and goes and casual jobs turn into the MGMT lyrics you swore you’d never become. (What else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?)

Another part of growing up is watching your friends descend into relationships. Hanging out in bars becomes ‘mandatory date night’ and your mate’s situationship is suddenly a legit relationship that they’re “actively working at”. 

For those remaining single, it can often be a bittersweet pill to swallow. 

Shannon is a 28-year-old who’s been single for three years and is finding herself on the outskirts of a friendship group as they prioritise their relationships. 

“It makes me feel left out, if I’m being honest,” says Shannon. 

“Two of my friends have catch ups together with their partners that I’m not included in because I don’t have a partner. They always bring it up in passing when we have conversations. It’s an in-joke of sorts. At this point, I honestly don’t want them to include me at all because of how much they’ve already left me out of their catch ups.”

As a result of her (so-called) friends excluding her because of her relationship status, Shannon has turned to working on herself. 

“I’ve chosen to spend the rest of this year fulfilling a lot of my hobbies and nurturing myself because it seems like my friends don’t have any time for me. I’ve chosen to almost shut a lot of them out.” 

Tara, 28, says while she loves her freedom, she can’t ignore the envious feelings that her friends in couples bring out in her.

“I don’t rely on someone else to bring me security or to make me feel complete. However, now I’m seeing all of my friends in serious relationships, getting engaged or married, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t wondering when that might happen for me.”

As well as envy, Tara can sometimes feel fatigued by always being the “single one” at events.

“Firstly, having to face the age-old ‘You really need to put yourself out there!’, ‘Are you on the apps?’, ‘You should give people you wouldn’t normally go for a chance’ ‘It’ll happen when you’re not looking’,” Tara says.

“It’s tiring hearing other people project this onto me, and frustrating that they have an assumption that because I’m not in a relationship I must be prioritising looking for one. I’m happy focusing on other things in my life and when the time comes for a relationship, that’ll be great too.”

Tara deals with this by putting up boundaries in her friendships. This looks like picking and choosing occasions in which she feels happy attending on her own, knowing she may be the only solo person there.

“Also, choosing what I want to share about my dating life with people so it doesn’t become a form of entertainment every time.”

For chronically single Jesse, now that her friends are more settled into their monogamous relationships, she feels less excluded than when they were in their early twenties; a relief to hear for those with friends currently going through the puppy love-phase. 

“Since becoming older, my friends are less obsessed with their partners in that almost toxic way. So even if I’m out with heaps of couples, it just feels like a huge friend group.”

In our romantically-obsessed society where hetero-normative relationships are (still) the expectation, Jesse values her singledom, even when her friends are coupled up. 

“I genuinely love being single. I really enjoy being able to do what I want whenever I want and not having to take in anyone else’s opinions when making decisions,” Jesse said.

“I also have a really full social life and career so at the moment, there’s not even really space for a partner. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything and I have really great friends that I feel a lot of love from.”

31-year-old Harry feels the same way. 

“I don’t tend to notice it, only because I’m friends with both of the people in relationships and most of them have been together for years.”

“I’ve come to terms with the fact that they’ll also have separate couples gatherings every now and then. I’m included enough outside of those gatherings, so to force my way into everything would be even sadder.”

While pangs of jealousy or feeling left out of the Love Club may arise, for people like Harry, they know that nothing lasts forever. There’ll be a time where he won’t be the only person to consider in his day-to-day life. 

“I know that if I do get into a long-term relationship, I’ll miss the nights when I could do my own thing without factoring someone else into the decision.” 

As for now, he’s enjoying single life, a little too much, he admits. 

“I had a platonic friend stay with me in my apartment for a week and I almost lost my mind. The company was fine, I just missed being able to leave social gatherings and come home to silence – she was always there.”

If you’re finding yourself wanting some romantic company, don’t feel shame – you’re only human after all – but appreciating the freedom you do have helps the ache for a relationship to fade. 

Whether you’re with someone or not, the important thing is that you’re comfortable with your own situation, so ditch the comparisons and the yearning. 

And remember, nothing lasts forever. 

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© 2024 VICE MEDIA LLC

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y3wjmmJasmine WallisRachel BarkerLove Better
<![CDATA[How To Handle Post Break-Up Loneliness]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/k7zynn/how-to-handle-post-break-up-lonelinessThu, 21 Dec 2023 04:10:52 GMTIf you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

We got @lucgeorgemusic to jump on the VICE Break-Up Hotline to talk about dealing with loneliness after a relationship falls apart and how to be a good listener if your mates open up to you while they’re going through it.

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Partner Content Is Paid For By An Advertiser And The Advertiser Provides Creative Direction And Feedback.

© 2023 VICE MEDIA LLC

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<![CDATA[Vibe Rater: A Vibrator Named Tim]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/93kmnd/vibe-rater-a-vibrator-named-timThu, 21 Dec 2023 02:54:28 GMTIs there any object more aligned with 20th-century feminism than a sleek, baby-pink vibrator? Probably, yes. But it’s certainly one of the core pieces of iconography associated with the “modern woman.” And in this edition of Vibe Rater, I was looking to find the perfect one for me.  

Seeking out a new slippery friend would be far from my first rodeo when it came to sex toys, but high-end products haven’t exactly been my bread and butter. 

During my university years, I attained a vibrator with a free voucher from a 50 Shades Of Grey screening. I was 19 and it was the first time I’d ever been to a sex shop with serious ambition. Voucher in hand, I flapped about awkwardly until plucking up the courage to ask for my free vibrator. It was about five cm long and one cm wide, with a one-off battery. I used that thing to death.  

Since then I’ve owned many dinky vibrators of similar size and quality – almost all of them pink because I am a feminist (a facetious one at that) – but I’d never ventured into the world of more costly vibration. Why spend $250 on an aquamarine butterfly or rabbit when a $10 severed finger would do? I figured it was time to see what the fuss was about and get my hands on a more legitimate vibrator.

My new burning desire (if it itches, get that checked) brought me to Pōneke’s Cuba Street staple, Peaches & Cream. I have a strange affinity for this shop. It’s weirdly spacious and feels rather bare, despite being stacked with every imaginable piece of sex paraphernalia. To me, places like P&C have the same transient quality as an airport or a supermarket in the middle of the night. There’s something intangible going on as you drift around from handcuffs to sounding rods; something that makes you feel disconnected from reality. 

To make my selection I had some specific parameters to abide by; I was looking for a vibrator that was on the bigger side, useable inside and outside the body and wasn’t shaped like a woodland creature. Oh, and I had to like the colour. If anyone should ever stumble upon my draw of nicknacks, I’d hate for them to think I have no taste. Black or a nice pastél would do it. 

I was in luck. Calling to me from the aisles was a boxed vibrator with the name Tim slapped on the front in a font that screamed “Graphic design is my passion.”  At $109.99 this was a decent step up from any of the previous purchases, but having promised to myself that I was going to do this properly I sucked up the cost, snatched him up and took him home. Tim wasn’t cheap, but he was mine. 

Finally, it was time to explore all of the wonders of an upper-class dildo. 

Check out the video below for the full vibe-rating:  

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93kmndRachel BarkerAleksandra BliszczykSexNSFWvibe raterVibratorsex toysNEW ZEALANDTestReview
<![CDATA[Vibe Rater: What It’s Like to Fuck a Sex Doll]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/z3mkq3/vibe-rater-what-its-like-to-fuck-a-sex-dollThu, 21 Dec 2023 01:53:59 GMTBlow-up dolls don’t have the best reputation, nor do their users. 

The dolls themselves – stereotypically sickly pink plastic bodies with faces frozen in permanent, cock-guzzling shock –  are mildly terrifying. There’s an echo of a clown's face in a sex doll's fixed expression that is undoubtedly unnerving. But still, they have a draw.

When we think of a typical sex doll owner, the mind leans towards a fedora-tilting neckbeard who has married an elf in Elder Scrolls. He seeks to fulfil the physical side of his espousal one way or another, and thus his intimate relationship with the sex doll is born. 

While there’s nothing wrong with any of the above qualities, it’s a very specific image. One we associate predominantly with lonely people – one that allows us to assume that sex doll owners are all unsociable loners and we would never be one of them! 

But the industry has changed. These days, companies produce high-end, life-like (and sometimes AI) dolls that are a far cry from the 90s inflatables. Buying one comes at quite a cost, so you can almost guarantee it’s not grubby university students with Dorito-dusted fingers ordering them. The sex doll user too has had an upgrade. 

Being lonely, sexless or wearing a fedora, is no longer a customer requirement – and as someone with a life-long fascination with all things sexy, I wanted to challenge my own residual stigma around sex dolls to see if there’s something more to them than just a bachelors party prop. 

I decided it was time for me to fuck a blow-up man. 

My quest began in Sydney, Australia, where I was on a long-weekend visit. With my goal in mind, I made my way to the rainbow-splattered Oxford street, a legendarily queer area, and stumbled across the sex shop Adult World

The staff were welcoming and chatty and even offered an invite to a voguing event later that evening. But alas, I had other plans for my night; plans that required a five-foot-nothing PVC God. 

I sauntered through the many aisles of dildos, costumes and clamps until I reached a shelf stocked exclusively with potential partners. There were boxes upon boxes of boys yet to be blown. It was a noticeably caucasian line-up, and while that hardly felt like a pressing matter in my quest, it did give me pause to consider whether diversity is an issue in the sex doll industry. 

Weighing up my options, I landed on Erich. B. It was unclear if the rogue ‘H’ was honouring his Germanic roots or a simple typo. But I knew he was the man for me – H and all. 

I purchased Erich for $50 and headed to my hotel to unbox him, blow him and see how he performed in the bedroom. 

Heartbreakingly, I must confess early that this story does not end in penetration. 

Here’s what I found: 

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z3mkq3Rachel BarkerAleksandra BliszczykSexNEW ZEALANDvibe ratersex toysblow up dollsex dollTest
<![CDATA[How to Fuck 101: Sex Workers Give Their Fundamental Sex Advice]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/dy3ex7/how-to-have-sexThu, 21 Dec 2023 00:05:37 GMTBeing good at sex is somewhat of a myth, but if there’s anyone who’s got a handle of how to have good sex it’s the people who work in one of the world’s most ancient jobs. We wanted some straightforward tips on fingering, dick sucking, oral and standard bouncing – so we asked. These tips aren’t about to turn you into a porn star, but you might be surprised by the fundamentals of sex that you’ve missed.

Needless to say, it’s better to ask the specific person you’re sleeping with what they like – all sexual experiences are subjective – but sleeping with tens if not hundreds of people for work does give you a few clues as to what gets most people off. It’s all well and good to tell people that “confidence is key” or to just “enjoy themselves”, but it turns out there are more than a few ways to turn a trick that can be applied to anyone’s everyday sex life.

We went to the experts: in this case, sex workers Lily, Mia, Samantha and Becca of Pōneke’s The Bedroom, and here’s what they had to say…

Let’s get some basic sex dos and don’ts out of the way:

Having good hygiene is a given (including good breath). Commenting on someone’s weight or appearance is a no-go unless it’s an absolute compliment.

And there are a few areas that unquestionably require discussion:

Anal or butt play? Discuss it.

Anything that leaves a mark? Discuss it. Bites, bruises and rope burns can put someone in an uncomfortable situation at work or home, so making sure the person being marked is ok with it is a must.

Where you’re gonna cum? Discuss it. There’s nothing less sexy than someone ruining your makeup or freshly washed hair. And if the contraceptive situation hasn’t been made clear, not double checking that your landing pad is approved could end in genuine disaster.

With that aside, let’s get into some of the specifics. Here’s what our sex-work overseers had to say:

HOW TO: HANDJOBS

“I always start slow. Be aware of how sensitive their area is and really ease into it. Remember how many nerve endings there are. It is friction!” - Mia

“Use saliva and lube.”  - Samantha

“If the handjob goes on too long men [can] lose sensitivity, so you're actually better to stop doing the handjob altogether. Give it a rest and then try again.” - Lily

“Even if you're not being touched, they want to see that you're into them being aroused. They want to see you turned on as well.” - Samantha

HOW TO: FINGERING

“Don’t finger a dry pussy really hard. You’ll give them thrush. - Lily

“I love my butt being played with, but if you’re gonna put your finger in my butt then in my pussy, all I’m thinking is urine infection. So don’t do that. It’s hygiene y’know.”  - Mia

“Definitely don’t start by shoving three fingers in someone at once. You can build up to it, but that’s not a sexy way to start.” - Becca

“A finger and clitoral rub at the same time is the best. Fingers in, thumb on clit.” - Lily

“Don’t shove your knuckles into the coochie because they don’t do anything.” - Mia

HOW TO SUCK DICK

“Use your hand at the base like it's half-hand-job-half-blow-job. Just using your mouth, a lot of men won’t cum.” - Lily

“Go from the outside, inwards. Lead up from touching the thighs and then you move in and stimulate them… A lot of guys like the balls.” - Samantha

“The men say it feels better without the condom. Supposedly there’s a lot of sensitivity lost.” - Lily

“I think the wetter the better. The more saliva, the more it feels like a pussy.” - Lily

HOW TO EAT SOMEONE OUT

“With facial hair, the smoother the better, or be hairy. But prickly hurts. It’s like sandpaper.” - Mia

“Doing the alphabet with your tongue, that was a Cosmopolitan tip… don’t do that. Don’t motorboat. Don’t bite. Don’t blow. Don’t hum. That’s another Cosmo tip. It's just weird.” - Lily

“You’re sensitive in areas that aren’t normally touched, so incorporate the inner thighs, or holding the hips and touching those creases. Do all that kind of stuff as the lead-up, outside of the vagina, and then slowly work your way in.” - Samantha

“Putting your tongue into the actual vagina doesn’t feel that good… It’s not a dick. You wouldn’t make someone cum from it.” - Becca

“The person needs to be honest if they’re not into [eating me out]. Because I can tell if they’re not enjoying it and then I feel like I’m torturing them.” - Samantha

HOW TO HAVE INTERCOURSE

“Replicating what you’ve seen in porn is really dangerous and also really obvious. You should never come straight into a sexual encounter with someone you don’t know well and choke and slap them. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable.” - Becca

“If there's a massive size difference between you and your partner, be aware to hold your own weight when you’re on top. It happened to me with a partner who was bigger than me, and he’d rest all his weight on me and I’d start panicking because I couldn’t breathe.” - Samantha

“Jackhammering can be painful if you’re not in the mood for it. Just be aware. They have a pelvic bone. They have a cervix. And you’re banging up against it.” - Becca

“If she’s invested in lingerie let her wear it for ten minutes. If she’s feeling sexy and she’s dolled herself up, a suspender belt, stockings, don’t just rip it off straight away. Make her feel beautiful in what she’s wearing. And then she’ll want to dress up for you more because you’ve shown you appreciate it.” - Lily

“Kiss during sex! It makes you feel so rejected if someone stops kissing you as soon as you start fucking. It’s awkward.” - Becca

THE ‘FEEL GOOD’ FACTOR

“You've got to be able to pick up what they're feeling. You need to be very in tune with other people. In real layman's examples, it’s whether you'd say like, ‘I want you to fuck me’ or ‘I want to make love to you’. It's a bit of emotional intelligence.” - Samantha

“I think if one person stands to gain more from the experience than the other, then it's not something that's gonna be enjoyable.” - Mia

"You can ask what they want without it ruining the mood. Just saying, ‘Does it feel good?’ ‘Do you want it faster?’ or ‘What can I do for you?’ It's not embarrassing.” - Samantha

In the end, everyone will have some mortifying moments in their sexual lives and everyone will feel things differently – and that’s okay folks! We learn, we grow, we throb with undulating desire.

We hope the wise words of our sex-worker friends can help you feel on top of the basics so that you know the sex you’re having feels good for everyone involved, inside and out.

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.

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dy3ex7Rachel BarkerAleksandra BliszczykSexAdviceWe AskWe Askedsex workprostitution101NEW ZEALANDpenisvagina
<![CDATA[Want To Stay Friends With an Ex? An Expert Tells Us How To Do It]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/m7b4a3/want-to-stay-friends-with-an-ex-an-expert-tells-us-how-to-do-itWed, 13 Dec 2023 22:40:00 GMTStaying friends with an ex might seem like an impossible task. With so much history, tension and potentially-still-bubbling feelings, an ex partner is the last person who’d be considered an obvious choice for a stable, healthy friendship.

But it is possible. And how, you might ask?

Blindly shutting down the idea that attempting a friendship could go wrong isn’t the way to go about it – as re-designing your relationship takes effort, understanding and a touch of brutal self-assessment. If you’re not willing to believe it might not work, you’re not going to be putting in the effort to make sure it does.

There are some basic no-go’s like not treating your ex as a therapist to discuss how you’re coping with your relationship with them ending. If they don’t want to be friends with you then don’t waste your time pushing the idea. And you certainly shouldn’t bad mouth them behind their back constantly and expect them to still want to be by your side.

Aside from the obvious, there are some more nuanced approaches that can help make your newly established friendship work out for the best – and minimise painful and messy emotions in the process.

VICE NZ spoke with Wellington counsellor Maria Milmine to find out about how to stay friends with an ex partner in a healthy way.

Here’s what she had to say:

Have a conversation to define what is and isn't acceptable in the friendship.

Milmine: Firstly, you have to have your needs and wants firm in your mind. Having a plan will be important in managing your own expectations, energy and ultimately the ability to sustain a healthy friendship with an ex.

Have you determined how and whether you will stay in touch? What are the physical boundaries? What changes will be expected regarding shared friendships, activities or locations.

Boundaries will help minimise misunderstanding and support your emotional wellbeing. Boundaries may change as time goes on, and that’s ok. It is always ok to redefine a boundary. Some exes might not feel comfortable being friends because one or both still have feelings or the breakup wasn't mutual.

Don't keep sleeping together.

Milmine: It will be difficult to have closure of the romantic relationship if new expectations and parameters haven't been defined or kept to.

Time is an important factor in healing from relationship wounds. Time helps us rebuild other meaningful parts of our lives, discover new interests or hobbies, friendships and supports. It gives us space to gain perspective, reflect and assess, learn from previous experiences and perhaps take with us new hopes and discernment for future relationships.

Ask yourself, will sleeping with my ex extend the length of time it will take me to heal from this relationship and move on? Can I meet my sexual desires in a different way?

Feeling sad or lonely, we may turn to sex with an ex as comfort because it is familiar. Being on your own will take some getting used to, perhaps get some accountability set up with friends and don't be too hard on yourself.

Have other support systems.

Milmine: Feeling contradicting or confusing emotions is a natural part of processing loss of a relationship. Wanting to continue connection with the people who you have broken up with is understandable. It may feel as though they are the only other person who understands what you are experiencing.

Giving time and focus to other types of important relationships in life ensures that we haven't expected our partners to meet all of our emotional needs. If your dating time together meant that your other social connections shrunk, this is another opportunity to understand yourself better. How did that happen? How do I feel about that? In future, how might I do things differently? Were we codependent?

Having time to focus on rebuilding interdependent social connections and meaningful relationships will strengthen future romantic relationships as well as support your overall wellbeing. One person can not possibly meet all of our needs.

Having some space from each other.

Milmine: Having time to redefine who you are without this person in the role they had previously been in your life will be useful in rebuilding your life. Being able to have time to honestly check in with yourself and ask how do I feel about the break up? Have I given myself space to adjust to a new normal? Have I been able to grieve and let go of what was and what could have been?

If remaining in contact brings more pain or prevents you from being able to heal then it may be a more compassionate, brave and courageous act to give yourself space, limit or end contact, at least temporarily.

If having space from each other seems like an impossible thing to do, ask why that is? Am I seeking comfort being around them? Do I still have hope that we'll get back together? Have I assumed that this is what they want? Am I prioritising their needs over my own? Could you give yourself time to rediscover who you are without your ex, how have you changed? How do you feel about those changes? What could that let you know about you and the things you value?

Don't go there if you still have feelings.

Milmine: You may also need space from mutual friends and shared activities. Adjusting to a new normal is hard. In a lot of ways deciding whether you continue spending time with an ex or not can be like choosing between hard and hard, so it's understandable that you may not want to make a call on it.

However asking yourself, what will it cost me if I do not create space to prioritise me? and am I prepared to pay that? Could you give yourself some time and understanding, and practice kindness towards yourself?

The difficult feelings associated with a break up need their time to be expressed, it may be that spending time with your ex takes away from your ability to process those feelings and that can result in a 'stuck' sort of feeling.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.

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m7b4a3Rachel BarkerBrad EspositoLove BetterDatingBREAK UPWe AskAdvicerelationshipfriendship
<![CDATA[The Ultimate VICE Guide to Any Kind of Break-Up]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/qjvm8v/the-ultimate-vice-guide-to-any-kind-of-break-upWed, 13 Dec 2023 22:00:00 GMTWe can do better with our break-ups – but how do you figure out how to do it right? VICE spent 2023 talking to people all over Aotearoa, from exes to experts, collecting all of the advice and thought-provoking info we’ve found. 

It’s a lot to process. Like, 94 articles worth of break-up intel to process. 

So to make things easier, we’ve put together a glossary of sorts. And where do you start when figuring out how to break-up better? Understanding what kind of break-up you’re in for. 

Different Types of Break-up:

From long-distance relationships fizzling out, to almost-endings that worked out in the long run, to the ugliest of blow-outs that leaves everyone involved feeling uneasy: there are so many ways a relationship can end. Of course, no two break-ups will ever be the same, but there are some common scenarios people find themselves in. 

Here are the articles that cover the basics: situations that almost everyone will either go through themselves or observe around them. Including being the one that calls it quits – and how to do it without being an asshole – and what it’s like to break-up when you’re still in love. 

Every Break-Up You’ll Go Through Before You’re 30

We Spoke to People in Long Term Relationships About How They Ended Things

How to Tell Your S/O to Give you Space Without Breaking Up

What To Do When You Have to End a Relationship With Someone You Love

Slow Burn Break-Ups Are Brutal. Here’s How They Build Up.

How To Call Off a Dating App ‘Thing’

The VICE Guide To Ending a Relationship

If you’re at university, or entering the post-highschool era, then it’s likely relationships are gonna be pretty front of mind. From dreaded interactions with exes in halls to how student nightlife complicates dating, we have a look at some of the situations you might come up against. 

Growing Beyond Your High School Dating Experiences

Piss-ups and Social Politics: Does Dunedin Party Culture Make Dating Harder

How to Handle Breaking-Up in Halls 

Deadlines Don’t Wait: How Students Cope with Break-Ups During Exam Season

Harmful Break-Ups:

Unfortunately, there are also relationships that can do serious damage to the people involved. Harmful or intentionally abusive relationships can seriously affect people, in everything from their safety to future mental stability – and ending a relationship like this can be incredibly difficult. In worst-case scenarios, dangerous. 

If you’re concerned that your relationship may cross the line into harmful territory or are considering breaking-up with someone who has exhibited abusive behaviour, have a read of these two articles (you’ll find a list of resources there too.) 

What’s the Difference Between Boundaries and Controlling Behaviour?

What To Do If Your Partner Won’t Let You Break-Up

For other harmful situations like stalking and image-based abuse, check out the articles below and make sure you understand your rights.

What To Do if You’re a Victim of Revenge Porn

Revenge Porn Victims Share Their Stories

How To Identify an Online Stalker

What To Do If You Think You’re Getting Stalked

The Aftermath:

Pushing out the words “it’s over” can feel like the hardest part – until it’s actually over and you’re left dealing with the aftermath. Whether the relationship itself was good, bad or ugly, having someone yanked from your life is inevitably gonna leave you with your head scrambled. 

It might be the smallest things, like not having someone to walk home with or suddenly having to learn how to cook for one person, or you may have lost your entire social circle and feel like you don’t know how to be happy anymore. Maybe you’re desperate to win them back or find yourself acting out. 

There’s a lot for you to handle after your relationship grinds to a halt.

Is Post Relationship 'Mania' Real?

What To Do If Your Ex Isn’t Coping After Your Break-Up

People Tell us Their Tips to Deal with Break-Up Loneliness

How to Cope with a Break-Up Without Just Getting Wasted All the Time

Why The ‘Getting Them Back’ Narrative Is One You Should Ignore

What Do You Owe Someone When Your Relationship Ends

So You’ve Changed Your Mind About Your Break-Up? Sucks For You

People Tell Us What They Did to Stay Happy After Being Broken-Up With

'I Went To Her Place And Cried' Men Take Us Through Their Break-Up Timelines

How It Feels To Go On A First Date After A Long-Term Relationship

Social media etiquette is also something to consider when you’re in a post-break-up haze. There’s everything from blocking, revenge posting, drunk messaging and online oversharing to think about. 

So if you want to avoid messy behaviour online, check the articles below. 

The VICE Guide to Social Media Use After a Break-Up

Should You Get Rid of Online Evidence of Your Past Relationships?

We Ask People: Is It OK To Block an Ex?


Shit you should think about: 

We’ve said it once and will say it again: every break-up is different. This means there are endless conversations to be had about our experiences when relationships end and how we process them. 

Below we’ve listed some of our favourite discussions on more complex break-up situations – whether it be how culture interacts with our ability to express ourselves, or understanding why we shouldn’t take advice from influencers (we see the irony, but don’t worry, these articles are all backed by real experts.)

How Neurodivergent People Are Challenging Conventional Notions of Romance

Is Breaking-Up Worse When You Live in a Small Town?

Dealing With 'The Feelings' As a Young Brown Person

How Queer People Came Out While in Cis/Het Relationships

Why Revenge Fantasies are Normal After a Bad Break-Up

What On Earth are Attachment Styles and How do you Navigate Them?

TikTok Has Made Everyone Think They’re a Relationship Expert

Don’t underestimate how important it is just to talk about how you’re doing, or even to hear someone else divulge their own shitty break-up stories. 

Break-ups are so often incredibly hard to process, especially the first time (and in some ways even harder when it’s the 15th time). But that should never stop you from experiencing love, sex and everything else relationships have to offer. 

Breaking-up better doesn’t mean you don’t ever do it at all. But we hope it means you can minimise the hurt and the hardship. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.  

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qjvm8vRachel BarkerBrad EspositoLove Bettervice guideWe AskedrelationshipsDatingBreak-UpsNews Zealand
<![CDATA[How Do You Avoid Going from Relationship Victim to Villain? ]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/7kxm59/how-do-you-avoid-going-from-relationship-victim-to-villainThu, 07 Dec 2023 03:11:44 GMTLove, romance, workplace: it’s exceptionally common for people who have been on the receiving end of bad treatment to emotionally shut down and become the perpetrator. 

Mirroring the toxicity you’ve been subject to in your past may feel empowering because it feels like you’re in control. But venomous behaviour towards a partner only ends in guilt and self-destructive behaviour. 

Whether it’s withholding a text back, vengefully throwing down every Friday night, or pathologically switching your snapmaps on and off, there are many ways people project their hurt onto new relationships. It’s all over social media, in videos captioned “How to be toxic” and “How to live in their head rent free”, begging you to implement a standardised 6-10 hour wait time before replying to a text. 

While you can trick yourself into thinking these procedures are crafty, the emotional warfare you're subjecting your partner to can’t be worth it.

VICE spoke to two 18-year-olds about their first year in the casual sex scene of their new city and how they’ve been navigating the highs and lows of hook-up culture. 

Ella, an art student from Wellington, told VICE, “The rush I feel from scheming against the people I regularly sleep with feels good and even funny… but it’s only momentary. When one of them actually gets too drunk and confesses their issue with me my conscience comes back”. 

“I was cheated on a couple times in highschool and treated particularly badly by a spaghetti stick of a boy. I think matching a similar energy in my new city has made me feel in control, somehow, but I guess it’s just a bad case of main character syndrome.”

Transitioning from being cheated-on or hurt to becoming a full-blown emotionally unavailable man-eater doesn't benefit anyone in the end – so it is more important than ever to keep yourself accountable after heartbreak.

Casual sex is inherently part of life, but you don’t need to use up extra energy on calculated strikes towards the people you sleep with. Messing around with someone at a party and then making them cry a week later when you ignore them in a lecture doesn't need to be your routine. 

Jacob, a barista from Wellington, told VICE he gave up on “any guy that has a dismissive attachment style.”

“It’s just immature and lowkey cringe,” he said. “It's not that deep. Just communicate like an adult”. 

And communicating in a clear way is hard. Hook-up culture predicates itself on hitting and dipping, but this isn’t how it needs to be. There's nothing wrong with a one-and-done as long as the one-and-doneness is communicated healthily and clearly, as well as with enthusiastic consent.

It's easy to sacrifice ethics for revenge. If you find yourself falling down the hole of toxicity, take a step back and reflect on what your past might have to do with it. 

The hurt we experience from being screwed over in our formative years sticks with us, but doesn’t need to manifest once we leave home. Processing that hurt may come out in the local Irish pub after too many student discount jugs and that’s okay. But don’t take it out on your friend-with-benefits.

Try writing down how your past relationships made you feel and what they did to conjure those emotions up. Try outlining how you feel about a sexual partner even if it’s just casual. Most importantly, open up to your friends – and even partners – about the behavioural patterns you're working on and how they correlate to how you’ve been treated. 

Take control of your relationships not with the intention of vengeance but with the intention of compassion. Dealing with your own shit matters, but there's ways to let it all out without being the villain in someone else's story.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/


Lee Bradley is a photography student and freelance creative based in Pōneke. 

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7kxm59Lee BradleyRachel BarkerLove BetterDatingdiscussionrelationshipsTikTokBreak-UpsBREAK UPteenagersSocial Media
<![CDATA[How to Handle Breaking Up When Your Whānau Are Friends with Your Ex]]>https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/jg5kyx/how-to-handle-breaking-up-when-your-whanau-are-friends-with-your-exThu, 07 Dec 2023 02:46:05 GMTThe Aotearoa dating pool can feel incredibly small: from double-checking the whakapapa of your date when they mention a familiar name, to an unusually high number of mutual friends on Facebook. This small pond usually results in mutuals whether you like it or not. Some are a lot closer than others.

As those ties grow stronger and become more rooted in your whakapapa than people you’ve met along the way, suddenly a break-up isn’t just about you but about the future of your family. Not only do you now have to deal with the break-up itself, but must find a way to maintain relationships across both sides of the family… or rid yourself of them.

Your whānau might not be able to avoid seeing your ex at events and activities they associate themselves with – they might even want to keep seeing them – and suddenly you find yourself having to “manage” multiple fractured relationship trees between your ex and your family.

Blood isn’t everything, and you are more than capable of cutting whānau from your life, but when an individual is threatened it can very easily spiral out to everyone.

In some cases, the person who’s in the break-up might think all ties should be severed by default, especially if the break-up was not on mutual terms.

And that leaves an even more important question: does the couple have a right to tell someone who they can and can’t be friends with?

If you’re feeling hurt about your whānau keeping in touch with your ex, it is probably time to have a conversation with them about how you feel. Whether it’s your mum, brother, or cousin – they can’t know exactly what’s going on in your head unless you tell them.

To communicate best, first you have to figure out your own boundaries: Would your whānau need to do something drastic to betray your trust, or is engaging with them enough? Are you okay with your cousin catching up with your ex as long as you don’t know about it? Or is it more important that you do know?

Managing one ex-partner-family-member relationship might be tough enough as it is, but it can quickly feel like you have no control when your ex's whole family has ties to your own.

Your cousins and siblings might go to school with your exes whānau. Maybe your uncle and their dad play football together. Maybe they all attend church together. Your aunty and your ex’s auntie ,who have known each other since school (and in cases close to home, lived abroad together), are unlikely to stop catching up for a coffee because their respective niece and nephew broke up.

When things are intertwined like this, you might just have to accept that you no longer have control. You may not be able to ask anyone to alter lifelong relationships, but that does not mean you can’t tell them how you feel. If they care, they will take it on board, even if all it amounts to is them not bringing it up around you.

Once you know where your own lines are you can find out how far you're willing to adjust. Don’t forget that your feelings about the situation are likely to change over time, so ensuring you keep the communication up with them will help everyone.

Being on the outside of this predicament can create unexpected problems for the whānau, too. When a break-up between families happens, suddenly you can view people as opposition.

Maybe you used to be best friends with your sister’s ex-boyfriend and feel weird about hitting him up to go to the gym. There’s likely no harm in keeping in touch from time to time, but if your sister was cheated on, or experienced abusive behavior with a partner, it might not be smart to remain in contact.

Always ask how you would feel if it were the other way around, and don’t just dismiss someone’s pain because you’re not feeling it.

The reality of those changes will look different for every situation. You might lay low for a while and wait for things to cool down. Maybe you continue to have those relationships and just keep it out of the ear of the former couple. After all, you’re likely to see these people again regardless, so you don’t want to destroy those connections.

Break-ups usually involve far more people than the unhappy couple, and the ensuing separation can involve a lot of preconceptions about who is allowed to talk to who. Things won’t always end in sunshine and rainbows, and depending on the context of the break-up, it may drive a wedge that destroys decades of friendship.

When you go through a break-up, sometimes you have to take a step back to think about the lives of your whānau going forward. We live in a small place after all, and you might just have to face the reality that someone who you don’t want to see might not completely be removed from your life.

Your break-up with someone shouldn’t mean their friends and whānau also have to break up with them. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them about it.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Ryland Hutana is a writer and creator who currently lives in Auckland, Aotearoa

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