"That dude is smoother than silky sperm!”
Editor’s note: This is a work of fiction written in the voice of RockBottom, a character invented by Bert Burykill, who is himself a pseudonym of a guy who has spent time in a variety of prisons. Confused? Don’t worry about it.
They call me RockBottom and I got a bad problem, I smoke a lotta rocks ‘n’ my morals are rotten – just like my teeth I don’t even gottem. I spend my whole life fiendin’ like Gollum ‘n’ I’m always hitting bottom, lavish livin’ in Sodom.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It’s true, I’m a savage of the foulest caliber – but after all the dirty deeds I done did, I still dig myself enough to at least make my dick spit a couple times every day. If I could suck my own dick, best believe I wouldn’t be writing this dump shit right now. My gums would be base-deep on my shaft, saliva drooling out like a motherfucka. Choking and gagging on my own manhood like a chump! I got doglike instincts… I sniff ass even if it stinks.
I still look good, too, but I looked better before all the drugs and fists to the face knocked my teeth out. The dentist up top pulled out my last few remaining tic-tacs while telling me the methadone and cocaine killed them shits already anyway. He was going to put some shiny Chiclet-lookin’ dentures in, but I guess that wasn’t in the budget. I had my gold fronts when I was living in Tennessee, and I ain’t gon’ act like, I was lookin’ dumb fly. The crackers in bookings stole my shits the last time I got locked – I got my main ho, Bonisha (aka GutterBitch), doin’ a lawsuit to get my gold tooths back. They say it was the methadone that caused them original teeth to get all cracked, but fuck it! What kinda fiend is gon’ say no to free drugs they got at the clinic? Plus it’s the best place to meet all the dopeheads I serve the diesel to. Every morning outside the clinic is like a tradeshow convention for drugs, and I always manage to come off right. They say, “He may be RockBottom, but that dude is smoother than silky sperm!”
Let me put it like this, nice ‘n’ simple: I’m that kinda dude that if you ever meet me, you’ll never forget me. Even when I’m lookin’ cracked-out Stem-fast-diet-style, I possess profucious retard strength. I can smoke 20 twenties, eat a whole chicken, light a couch on fire, and throw it out the window with my grandma sitting on it. I just don’t give a fuck… One time, I knocked a donkey out with one punch in Mexico and then sucked its dick for an eight-ball and I ain’t ashamed to brag about it. I own two pitbulls who will bite your fuckin’ face off. I named them Nutso and Savage. I got two black chicks and a white bitch named Mercedes. They’re all strippers and professional nutbust swallowers. I ain’t gonna lie, these bitches will fuck anyone for a hit, but they do more stealin’ than suckin’. Those are my boostin’ queens. The team I got sucks wild dick and they will fuck your fuckin’ face off.
Sometimes I drink water just ‘cause I’m bored and it’s good for me. Also, it’s free at the park. The more water I drink the more energy and sexin’ I get. FUCK THAT ENERGY DRINK BULLSHIT. When I brush my gums and tongue I spit in the toilet so I don’t waste running water in the sink. Basically I’m a hippie lookin’ out for my health and the environment.
I can recite over 200 rap and R&B anthems, but I couldn’t tell you who the first president is, and why would I give a fuck? Them old crackers ain’t nothin’ but old, dead men on green paper that I like to snort my shit with… When I’m not in jail smuggling dope and making muscles and dumpin’ dumb rhymes, I’m in the street smokin’ rocks, fuckin’ bitches, selling pussy… Call me Pipe Game Crazy, YA FIGGA DIG WHAT I’M SAYING? SMELL ME?!??
Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of our prison correspondent, who has spent time in a number of prisons in New York State. Follow gim on Twitter: @burykill
Previously – God Behind Bars