Ten Chinese politicians were fired for having sex this weekend, but you were probably too drunk to notice.
OVER 200 PEOPLE DIED IN A NIGHTCLUB FIRE IN BRAZIL
All because some idiot decided to let fireworks off inside
At least 232 people have died after a fire devastated a nightclub in the Brazilian city of Santa Maria.
Local media say the fire started after the band playing at the club that evening let off fireworks, which is obviously a really dumb idea in any scenario, but seems completely unforgiveable in a dark room full of drunk people.
Many victims reportedly inhaled toxic fumes from the burning acoustic insulation, or were trampled as others tried to escape through one small door.
Brazil's President Dilma Rousseff said that everything possible would be done to help families of the victims.
Unsurprising Political Mishaps
TEN CHINESE OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN FIRED OVER A SEX SCANDAL
Developers were giving the politicians 18-year-old girls, filming the results (sex) and bribing them
After a sex-tape of 54-year-old ex-district party chief Lei Zhengfu made its way onto the internet last November, ten more Chinese officials from the city of Chongqing have been caught up in a sex scandal.
In a piece of news that would only shock you if you had no knowledge of the history of politics, construction developers reportedly hired young women to have sex with the men, secretly filmed their intimate sweat-fests and used the videos to extort construction deals.
What the group of balding, middle-aged men thought was happening when beautiful younger women started turning up to their doors is unclear, but I suppose it doesn't count as corruption if you have no idea what's going on, so maybe that's a plus.
A MAN DIED WHILE TRYING TO ROB A LADBROKES
Customers pinned the guy down before he collapsed and died
Alan Levers, a 50-year-old, tried to rob a Plymouth Ladbrokes disguised in a gas mask and armed with a replica pistol, but was tackled and pinned down by renegade customers, before collapsing and dying in the shop.
Police questioned the four men in the shop at the time but didn't make any arrests.
One witness walked into the shop as the scuffle was taking place – the gun presumably being waved around in the air – to place a bet, like an armed robbery is absolutely no big deal.
Devastatingly, "The bloke behind the counter told me they weren't taking any bets and I had to leave."
A SCOTTISH FOOTBALLER HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SHOPLIFTING
Which is understandable because football players don't make very much money
Scotland international and Hibernian striker Leigh Griffiths has reportedly been arrested on suspicion of shoplifting from a supermarket.
Of course, the life of a footballer in 2013 is one where Michelin-starred dinners have to be kept to under four nights a week and Maseratis are only doable on 6-month-long payment plans, so stealing some vegetables is totally understandable.
Griffiths later tweeted, "Not been caught shoplifting at all," which sounds somewhere between a sarcastic admission of guilt and potentially the most rushed statement of denial to ever have been posted on Twitter.
It is as yet unknown what Antony Worrall Thompson has to say about the allegations.
THIS GUY MASTURBATED AND POOPED IN THE HOUSE HE'D BROKEN IN TO
He also sucked up the contents of the vacuum cleaner
Florida couple Tony and LaDonna Land apparently returned home to find Gregory Matthew Bruni, the 21-year-old guy above, sitting completely naked on top of their roof.
Bruni allegedly jumped from the roof on to Mr Land, before running into the house to pull a TV off the wall, suck up the contents of a vacuum cleaner before spitting them out again, masturbate in the living room and rub the couple's son's clothing on his face.
Somewhere in the midst of this, Mrs Land fired a couple of shots at Bruni, but missed and called the police instead.
When deputies arrived, they discovered that Bruni had defecated on the floor in two different rooms and had trouble restraining him as he "wildly flailed around".
Bruni was eventually taken to hospital, where doctors told police that they would conduct tests to determine "what [he] was on".