Oh Halloween, when the streets run red with fake blood and real tears, and you wake up with your eyes blinded by lash glue as you gradually recall the number of times you flashed your nipples at a stranger's cameraphone. The getting shitfaced on a "punch" made from White Lightning, Malibu and tap water, drunk from a plastic tub that has been vomited into too many times not to become infused with the taste of vomit. The facepaint. The nudity. The shame. And the fact that all of this makes it by far the funnest holiday (which isn’t really a holiday but obviously is, because everyone takes the next day off work).
Whether you’re slutting it up at a house party, losing your debit card at a strip club or just roaming lonely graveyards (avoid this, please) you'll still have to navigate the minefield of not picking the worst, most offensive, most stupid Halloween costume of all time. Because although I thought we were grownup enough at this point not to be completely moronic, there is still so much evidence in the world that I'm wrong.
Who sells that? Amazon.
What’s it supposed to be? A “realistic black Kenyan man” – perfect for doing the Harlem Shake (what?).
Why shouldn’t I wear it? It’s racist.
What kind of person wears that? A racist person.
Who makes that? aleXsandro Palombo, for his website humourchic.com; a “daily society portrait blog, the best illustrated fashion chronicle, a point of view about costume, politics, culture, society and celebrity. aleXsandro Palombo is the father of Fashion Satire, visionary artist, author and critic.”
What’s it supposed to be? It’s a T-shirt of Amanda Knox holding a bloodstained knife.
Wasn’t she acquitted of murder? Yes.
What kind of person wears that? The kind of person who believes they are the “father of fashion satire”.
THIS SEXY CHILD COSTUME
Who sells that? Yandy.com, and absolutely everybody else.
Why? I have no idea. Surely it's the complete reverse of Halloween, in that this is a child showing up at your door offering you food?
What’s wrong with that? What’s right with it?
What kind of person wears that? Someone who is dreadfully out of touch with adult sexuality.
THIS CHILD BRIDE
Who sells that? Fancydressball.co.uk, but it was probably made where a huge number of Halloween costumes are made, in a cramped factory in China. Possibly by children.
What’s wrong with it? Oh, nothing. It’s really cute to dress your kid up as one of the hundreds of thousands of underage girls all over the world who are married off against their will to older men and raped. Spooky!
Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? Maybe. Maybe not.
Who wears that? No one who is ever actually going to be married against their will to someone decades older than them.
THIS SEXY SESAME STREET COSTUME
Who sells that? Yandy.com, although they got some bad press for it so now the official costume is referred to as “Puppet costume overalls” and the Ernie mask pops up as an add-on.
What’s wrong with it? It’s strange.
Why? Well as far as a lot of the world is concerned, Bert and Ernie are a gay couple.
Maybe those women are gay. It’s still weird. Also, what’s with the “skimpy” children’s outfit? Is this really what people want to jerk off to in 2013?
Who wears that? Probably no one. Actually, probably freshers.
THIS “ANNA REXIA” SKELETON OUTFIT
Who sells that? Halloweenparty13.com.
Why? Because it’s a good pun, I guess.
What’s wrong with it? It’s the skeleton of somebody who’s died from an eating disorder.
What kind of person wears that? Someone who enjoys repeating the phrase “Get it?!?!”
THIS “HOT DOG VENDOR DIRTY APRON” COSTUME
Who sells that? Escapade.
Why? Who knows.
What’s wrong with it? It's a hot dog made to look like a guy's penis and balls.
What kind of person wears that? Probably the boy you’ll end up making out with and flashing your nipples at. Be warned.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
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