One of the political bloggers from Guido Fawkes and another guy dressed as "The Stig" have just roared into the BBC's Broadcasting House IN A TANK to campaign against the injustice of Jeremy Clarkson being suspended from Top Gear for punching a man over a steak. THIS IS 2015 AND THIS IS YOUR REALITY. THIS IS REAL AND THIS IS HAPPENING. BRITAIN'S DADS HAVE GONE MAD.
At midday today, the tank – rented from Tanks Alot, the light-hearted tank rental company – turned up with Harry Cole of Guido Fawkes sticking his big head out and a lumpen version of the Stig standing legs akimbo on top. The tank was bearing banners, printed especially, that read "ONE MILLION SIGNATURES, BRING BACK CLARKSON", and the Stig – who was wearing a jokeshop Stig costume, which apparently consists of a two-piece faux-flameproof suit that slits in the middle to show the full vista of a tucked-in vest straining over a beer belly, and a crumpled foam hat in lieu of an actual fucking white helmet – handed over the printed-out petition to whoever at the BBC it is who has the job of accepting and then shredding pointless petitions about Jeremy Clarkson.
i. You can hire a tank but you can't find a plain white motorcycle helmet at short notice? Sort your fucking lives out, Guido Fawkes;
ii. Yeah, wonder what the reaction would be if we just drove a tank around to make a point about any minor and petty complaints we had pending? Because I've got a quibble with my council tax bill but I'm pretty sure I'd be shot to death by the police if I turned up to City Hall in a tank;
iii. It's sort of apt and beautiful that one million people got mad about one man punching another man so hard he got fired on the day that the stars aligned and the moon eclipsed the sun and the universe conspired to remind us that hey, we are small and pointless and our petty bickerings are nothing compared to the awesome majesty of our solar system, but no actually scratch that and correct it because one of David Cameron's pube-headed mates has been briefly suspended from a TV show where they try and make cars interesting;
iv. What kind of country do we live in where a Sun columnist is allowed to hire a tank without question;
v. Do you not think that if you're going to drive an actual tank about to protest anything, it should be, like, unemployment rates, or the housing crisis, or the repeated failures of local councils to deal with child sex rings, or the Westminster paedo cover-up, and not, like, a millionaire briefly losing his job;
vi. Just thinking about the Guido Fawkes bloggers, and how this is the best day of their lives. Like: they must feel ten-feet tall right now. "Yeah!" they're probably saying. "We fucking did it!" They are out of breath in that same way they are when they go up the stairs too fast, but just off their own sheer nervous energy. "Fuck!" they are saying. "Jesus!" One of them wants to go to the pub. "Pub?" he's saying. And someone goes: we cannot go to the pub. We are in a tank. How do you park a tank by a pub.
vii. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. The absolute state of this. This is one of the most embarrassing days in Britain's history, and we've been invaded multiple times. Like: we've voted Jim Davidson a Celebrity Big Brother winner. This is a nadir.
Anyway, we're sending an intern down to go and ask questions like, "Yo, what the fuck?" and "What the fuck? Why?", so more news as and when we get it.
CHEERFUL CORRECTION: A previous version of this article suggested that Guido Fawkes one was wearing sunglasses when this happened. He wasn't. Another one of them was.
More stuff about Clarkson: