I am a Labour member and I still haven't voted in the current leadership election. Jeremy Corbyn is a man who best reflects my principles, yet I can't help but feel let down by his performance so far, and I worry about his lack of hold on the electorate at large. Then again, on the other hand, I can't stop thinking about Owen Smith's dick.
Large, endlessly energetic and proudly all natural, the presence of Owen Smith's penis has been impossible to ignore during this leadership campaign. During every hustings, every scheduled television appearance, the elephant's trunk in the room, it has loomed large. Owen Smith's penis has been his silent running partner – the biggest Labour member of all – and it's time we addressed that.
You'd be well within your rights to ask me why I've been thinking about Owen Smith's slinky Welsh willy so much. When has Corbyn's rival ever mentioned his shlong? Well, let me tell you: absolutely loads. His entire campaign has basically been dickcident (dick-incident) on top of dickcident.
Don't believe me? Let us walk through the purple, veined highlights and you can see for yourself.
Hey, remember that time a couple of months ago when Owen Smith went on Good Morning Britain in order to launch his leadership campaign? Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid were asking him questions about his time as a lobbyist for major pharmaceutical firms including US giant Pfizer. Things started strangely when Smith described himself as a "Duracell Bunny" and then got weirder when Morgan asked him if he had to "test the products" at Pfizer. It was in this moment that Owen Smith first realised he had a massive platform from which he could talk about his dick. His eyes lit up and he answered, "that's for me and Mrs Smith to know about." When Morgan asked for clarification – "have you used Viagra?" – Owen "Mammoth Manhood" Smith responded wryly "I haven't actually, I haven't needed it..."
This was Owen Smith subtly introducing us to his elephantine cock. Letting us know, with little more than a nod and a wink, that he could literally fuck every woman on earth, bring all of their rippling bodies to climax, and still have energy to save the Labour Party.
This is probably the best known of Owen Smith's blatant references to the sheer scale of his baby's-arm-holding-an-apple. During a Q&A at a rally in Hull, Owen "the purple headed one" Smith was asked by an audience member if he'd mind answering a personal question. Owen smelled it – another open goal – another chance to talk about his throbbing basilisk! He duly answered: "29 inches...inside leg". We must imagine that after saying "inside leg" he winked. There are no reports to confirm this, but we all know he did. For Owen Smith wasn't talking about his inside leg, was he?
What is most alarming about this particular incident is the suggested length: 29 inches. Just think about that. Owen Smith's might mallet is 29 inches long. I've googled "average length 29 inches" and other than inside leg measurements – which means, don't forget, Owen Smith's penis is so big you could hollow it out and wear it as trousers – the other most popular hit is that 29 inches is the average size of a one-year-old baby. Owen Smith's penis is a big as you when you were one. You, learning to navigate the world. You, brushing paint-dabbed-fingers across easels. You, being read We're All Going on a Bear Hunt. You, the same size as Owen Smith's other-worldly wang.
This incident was one of Owen's more abstract methods of bragging about his member, but it was effective in sending the message home nonetheless. When photos first appeared of his campaign bus, many noticed the strange placement of an audience member's hand – namely that it was cylindrical and held aloft in front of his crotch. To make no finer point. Owen Smith's campaign bus featured an image of him getting tossed off.
As "what happens on tour, stays on tour" moves go, this was a brazen one. The message here seemed pretty clear. Smith was essentially saying: "Look, I've got a pretty magnetic, pretty massive dick. If you come to one of my rallies, I cannot be held accountable for what you end up doing to it. It might just be that you turn up wanting to ask me a personal question, but trust me, before long you'll be salivating in awe of my Godzilla dong."
In a more recent interview with the Mirror, Owen Smith discussed how he managed to woo his now wife at school – despite her being one of only three female pupils. He said: "1,200 boys, three girls and I pulled Liz. So I must have something going on."
What does Owen have going on? Well I hope at this point the answer is pretty clear. His penis. His massive, mutant, sentient dick. His 29-inch dick that doesn't need Viagra. His dick that is so alluring audience members proffer hand-shandies mid rally. His dick, with powers so potent he fought off 1,200 lads for his wife – whipping them like Indiana Jones with his svelte, fleshy rope.
In some ways, it must be hard being Owen Smith. I mean, after all, he literally exists as an antithesis. He is simply there as an alternative to something way more popular. Even his name, "Owen Smith", makes him sound like the example rival candidate in a leadership campaign simulation game. A supposed saviour who, in practice, is little more than a Beano character repeating the sentence "I'm in favour of a Labour party with actual power..." He represents the sort of political figure destined to become a forgotten footnote, an answer to a pub quiz question, a guest on Gabby Logan's Flockstars.
Perhaps Smith is trying to present some hypermasculine juxtaposition to Corbyn's arguably more compassionate rhetoric. Or maybe it's more ingrained. Maybe, Smith has been told he's "saving Labour" so often now, he has ended up believing his own "roll up your sleeves and get the job done" hype. Perhaps Hilary Benn has worked him up into a fervour, whispering delusional pep talks into his ears. "You've got to save Labour Owen," Hilary begs. "Save it with your penis... all 29 inches of it." It's possible that all of this dick-talk is merely his way of saying, "I'm the man for the job."
Or perhaps the answer is simpler. Maybe Owen Smith does just have a really big dick. A Labour-saving, world-changing, slab of centrist trouser pork. Perhaps he knows the truth. That in these unknowable times only one thing is true and sure. Only one thing is a stable, reliable element. That thing is Owen Smith massive, magic dick. Until it has power, nothing can truly change.
So consider the above when you cast your vote. A vote that could change the British political landscape. A vote, between a rock and a hard place.
More from VICE: