A couple of weeks back, two girls, one called Lizzy and one called Sabrina (though to me they both look like Tiffanys so that's what I'll call them in my head forever more) did what many YouTubers do in an attempt to garner many hits in one go. These plucky young American web-utantes dressed in gym gear were about to eat a dried Carolina Reaper, which is, according to Guinness, the hottest pepper in the world.
Over the past couple of years, a lot of people have been getting bang into spicy stuff. There's nary a person alive today who doesn't know what a Scoville unit is. For the uninitiated, Scoville units are the number of units of water that a spice can be diluted in in until the heat can no longer be detected. A Carolina Reaper operates at about 2 million Scoville units. It's pretty hot stuff guys, not for the faint hearted that's for true!
Now you might be thinking 'cool man, but what does this have to do with me?' Well I'll tell you, friend. This video has one of the greatest overreactions ever seen on camera. This video is a prime academic example of working yourself into a frenzy. I feel that, after watching this video, it would be possible to kill yourself just by thinking you're dying. This is Sabrina's story. Observe:
It's normal to hit things and yourself when you're in pain. I personally experience a multitude of gastric pains almost every day, and every one of them makes me want to punch myself in the leg and face. Sabrina and Lizzy screaming and jumping around is not news. They display the typical reaction anyone on camera would display for a pepper of such heat. They laugh and pour water all over themselves for dramatic effect. But then Sabrina begins to take a turn for the worst. This is where it changes from slightly annoying pepper-eating video to a biblical epic of self-induced panicked madness.
Sabrina recoils. She has the look of a woman who has witnessed a thousand murders. Her eyes lie dead in her skull, withered by pain. They refract light but produce only darkness. She is a rower on Charon's cursed vessel now. She stands before Minos awaiting judgement. She drools fire.
Sabrina becomes overcome with oral grief. Her soul has been shattered and split by this accursed pepper, and she becomes catatonic with agony. She clutches her head and weeps as the jaw of Cerberus clamps on her tongue. She says she cannot breathe.
She attempts to revive herself with her inhaler, but it's for nought. Be'elzebub's fruit has taken hold of her and she is but a marionette in its mini circus of horrors.
A friend tries to prod a nebuliser in her mouth as she gasps for air. The thing is, if she just calmed the fuck down for ten seconds, she wouldn't be in this violent pickle. She'd still be in pain, sure, but she wouldn't be thinking she was about to have a dry-chilli-induced cardiac arrest.
And here we find the funniest moment: Sabrina reclining on a bed, hooked up to some breathing apparatus, like a really nerdy child who got too excited about going go-karting.
Sabrina's tale is one that we can all learn something from. If you find yourself faking an asthma attack after eating a hot chilli pepper, then just don't, cuz you'll make yourself look stupid and your mum will just pour water on your neck and try to feed you bread and sugar.
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