what has humanity become?

Wagner off X Factor Now Does Football Banter For A Living

Wagner will sing horrible songs about your least favourite football club for the cost of a Nando's dinner date for one.

by Will Magee
05 May 2016, 4:45pm

No matter how secure we pretend to be, we all have something that keeps us up at night. Some people fret about mundane things, like whether or not they've paid their phone bill on time. Other people brood over worthy causes, like wealth inequality and the fact that mankind is destroying the planet. A few people worry about the serious shit, like the complete absence of an afterlife or the utter futility of love.

Then there are the truly profound people, worrying about something far more important. As these select few lie in bed, ruminating over the meaning of it all, they suddenly pause and ask themselves: "I wonder what Wagner off X Factor is up to these days?"

We've got the answer to that question right here.

In the ultimate proof that humanity is doomed to degrade itself to the point of existential oblivion, Wagner now does football banter for a living. For a small financial reward – said to be about £20 – the 2010 X Factor finalist will record a video of himself taking song requests from Twitter and Facebook. He seems to receive rather a lot of requests for football chants, presumably from that niche section of society that loves both the beautiful game and the public humiliation of middle-aged Brazilian men.

So, for instance, he has just taken a request from a West Ham fan group called "Sex, Drugs and Carlton Cole" to sing this song about Tottenham Hotspur.

Now, this is not funny. Do not laugh at this video, no matter how much Wagner's pronunciation of the word booger may amuse you. This is bleak. This is human cruelty at its very worst. Wagner, a man who has legitimate dreams of being a successful pop singer, has been reduced to bantering with the internet's football fans for a relative pittance. Wagner now has to resort to sporadic freelance work, and a group called "Sex, Drugs and Carlton Cole" are his employers. Wagner may not be the best singer on the planet, but he's entitled to at least a modicum of dignity. He is a man with hopes, dreams and aspirations – none of which include singing football songs for online super lads.

What can Wagner even buy with £20, in this day and age? To put his fee in perspective, it's barely enough to get a large meal at Nando's, especially not if you add a refillable frozen yogurt pot to the equation. For this pathetic sum, he will warble with genuine passion about the relegation of Dundee United. He will pour his heart and soul into crafting a melody, only to see it wasted on Scottish Premier League bants.

Sadly, these are only some of the tamer songs Wagner has been compelled to sing. While Dundee fans used his charming vocal harmonies to celebrate the relegation of their cross-town rivals, Celtic and Rangers fans have taken things a step further. Last September, a Gers fan paid him to sing "The Billy Boys", a song associated with sectarianism in Glasgow.

In retaliation, a Celtic fan commissioned him to sing the Wolfe Tones' Celtic Symphony, a song that contains the lyric "Oo ah up the 'RA" in reference to the IRA. In perfect innocence, Wagner has found himself at the centre of one of British football's fiercest rivalries, cheerfully warbling lyrics of hatred from both sides of the Old Firm divide for the cash equivalent of a Nando's dinner date for one.

This is what the combination of social media and celebrity culture has done to humanity, then. Here we are, in 2016, forking out £20 to listen to Wagner off X Factor sing songs of sectarian loathing. If he's not bantering with "Sex, Drugs and Carlton Cole", he's being asked to stir up historical animosities on the gritty streets of post-industrial Glasgow. This is why the truly profound thinkers of this world are interested in what Wagner is up to at the moment – because, through no real fault of his own, it affirms the limitless desolation of the human soul.