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Ronald Koeman, Mighty Samurai: The Premier League Review

Ronald Koeman's plucky Southampton brushed aside Newcastle at the weekend, while mighty Leicester City took another huge step towards the title. For all that and more, it's our Premier League Review.
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This article originally appeared on VICE Sports UK.

It's the business-end of the season and, as such, the Premier League is starting to crystallise into corporate success stories and franchising nightmares. While the sides at the summit are in a position to pay dividends, those at the bottom are about to be ruthlessly liquidated from the top flight.

This is the free market, this is the great game, this is the merciless capitalism of football. After the latest round of fixtures, here's a five-point business bulletin to sort the profitable teams from the investment disasters.

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RONALD KOEMAN, TRUE SAMURAI

If Newcastle players were 19th century Japanese samurai, they would have been asked to commit seppuku at this point. They have dishonoured the warrior code with their performances, they have thrown down their arms on the field of battle. They have betrayed Rafa Benitez's fledgling Shogunate. Shame be upon them.

Nonetheless, Southampton's 3-1 victory over their Geordie foes does great credit to Ronald Koeman. Despite seeing many of his best players depart over the last two seasons, the Dutchman has honourably persevered. The Saints are now seventh in the table, with an impressive 50 points so far this campaign.

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Were it not for Leicester and Claudio Ranieri, Koeman would be considered the greatest warrior in the Premier League. All hail the true samurai. All hail Ronald Koeman.

LADS, IT'S TOTTENHAM…

And they're about to batter us.

Sir Alex Ferguson once famously gave a three-word team talk – "Lads, it's Tottenham" – before Manchester United played Spurs. Those three words pithily epitomise the North Londoners' reputation for much of the last two decades: thoroughly predictable, inherently weak, and easily dismissed by the Premier League's biggest clubs.

This season, that reputation has been completely overhauled.

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Aside from the fact that their opponents were turgid, Spurs' first home win over United since 2001 was quite magnificent. Tottenham waited for the perfect moment, before annihilating Louis van Gaal and co. with three goals in six minutes. This was a huge test for Mauricio Pochettino's men, the moment they could well have "done a Spurs". Instead, as United's forlorn away contingent looked on, Spurs showed just how much the tables have turned.

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ARSENAL NEED A SPIN-OFF

Arsenal are a parody of themselves at this point, the worn-out punchline to an overused joke. Their 3-3 draw with West Ham was quintessential, the sort of absurd performance that only Arsenal can produce.

Arsenal are gifted a 2-0 lead. Arsenal completely switch off. Arsenal's defenders allow Andy Carroll to score the simplest hat-trick he could possibly hope for. Arsenal just about manage to salvage a draw. That's so Arsenal.

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The team feels like a tired sitcom format, the How I Met Your Mother of English football. Back in the early seasons – back when they had Nicklas Bendtner, Emmanuel Eboue, Mikael Silvestre and a whole host of similar comedy characters – it was all mildly amusing. Now, the scriptwriter has a chronic case of writer's block and is hoping that nobody will notice as he rehashes old ideas.

Accordingly, the team seem doomed to play out exactly the same tedious plot lines year in, year out. The sitcom is in desperate need of a spin off. Please, anything but this.

MIND THE GAP

As Jamie Vardy sealed Leicester's win over Sunderland on Sunday, the television cameras zoomed in on a homemade banner waving frantically above the celebrating fans. Written in a childlike scrawl, accompanied by a badly drawn tube logo, it read: "Mind the gap, North London".

Whoever created this banner made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake.

ha ha they have a mind the gap banner ! love it ….#coys pic.twitter.com/eY4bbIaiVk
— colin glyde (@TheRealMrGlyde) April 10, 2016

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The last time "Mind The Gap" was a popular catchphrase amongst football fans, Tottenham were well ahead of Arsenal with only a couple of months of the 2011/12 season yet to play. Spurs went into the North London derby 10 points ahead of Arsenal, numerous fans turning up wearing "Mind The Gap" T-shirts. They went on to lose 5-2; on the last day of the campaign, Arsenal pipped them to third place by a single point.

Using "Mind The Gap" as a slogan is clearly tempting fate, the footballing equivalent of saying Candyman into the mirror five times. It is the ultimate hubris, an action that promises disastrous consequences. Oh, Leicester fans – what have you done?

FEELGOOD HITS OF THE WEEKEND

Though the consequences of their "Mind The Gap" banner are as yet unclear, Leicester's dreamy season goes on. Victory over Sunderland means that Claudio Ranieri's team have officially clinched Champions League qualification for the first time in the club's history, while they remain seven points clear at the top of the table. It's cockle-warming stuff.

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Still, is that even the best feelgood story of the weekend? What about Jason Puncheon scoring his first goal of the season to secure victory over Norwich, delicious manna to Crystal Palace fans wandering in the desert of winlessness? What about Callum Wilson's return from a seven-month injury lay-off for Bournemouth? Or Aston Villa's heroic week-long relegation escape, earned by the sheer fortune of their nearest rivals losing?

It's impossible to choose, really. God, watching football feels good.

@W_F_Magee