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You All Were So Horrified by Trump's Hair That You Never Noticed the Rest

Look at those trousers. And his golf cleats!

by River Donaghey
03 June 2019, 4:24pm

Left photo by JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images. Right photo by Sarah Silbiger/Bloomberg via Getty Images.

This article originally appeared on VICE US.

Trump has been steadfastly clinging to his same gravity-defying hairstyle for decades now, no matter the cost. His golden helmet of brittle strands has braved jokes and conspiracy theories and exhaustive breakdowns of why it is actually a weave for years, but the man has stuck by it, never wavering from his commitment to the coif. Until last weekend, that is.

On Sunday, Trump dropped by a Virginia church's memorial service sporting a brand new, slicked-back 'do – and the internet went unsurprisingly ballistic.

And sure, Trump's bizarre pivot to full Patrick Bateman chic is weird, and made even weirder by the fact that Trump might actually look like a reasonably normal human without his usual hairstyle.

But the world was so busy reeling over his locks that we collectively missed the even bigger story: What the hell was going on with his pants and shoes? Please, just forget about the hair for a second and look at this:

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

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What is happening with his pants? The fit of Trump's pants has been getting more and more bizarre over the past year or so, like the man is shrinking in some inexplicable way, but these are truly next level. How are they somehow so long that the hems are dragging on the ground, but also so tight in the crotch that he definitely has a wedgie?

And then, of course, there are the golf cleats. Yes, the President of the United States showed up to a memorial for the Virginia Beach mass shooting wearing his golfing clothes, like he was so focused on his tee time that he couldn't be bothered to change into some decent shoes before swinging by the church. That seems almost incomprehensibly disrespectful, but this was the guy who double fist pumped on September 11, so what else should we expect?

In any case, the whole lower half of the president is the real story here. We were just all too focused on his hair to notice. And besides—the new hairstyle was probably just the result of Trump's hat hair, and he probably won't try it again, since he's already back to his signature style. That mystery may be solved, but the question of his bizarre zoot suit khakis remains. There's no normal pant in the world with a cut like that, is there? He must have these specifically tailored for him, right?

And if so, why? Why? Why?