Brexit Power Ranking: Boris Johnson is a 'Filthy Piece of Toerag'

Put down your disposable coffee cups and clear your diaries, because Super Saturday is upon us! This Saturday, The British Politics Channel is ready to bring you HUGE and LIVE coverage of MASSIVE shows like: “The Benn Agreement,” “Probably an Extension” and the 14-hour marathon of “Uncertain Political Decision: Part Two.” That's right, a rare weekend sitting of Parliament will take place to try and get the bloody thing over the line.

As Brexit-mania reaches fever pitch last seen towards the end of Love Island, we could also see some Tory MPs facing re-coupling, bringing the tension up to a boiling point. Who will go? Will it be the five Tory MPs set to leave the party if there’s a pivot to a no-deal Brexit? Or will it be Lucia, a surfer and model from Bristol?

Only you can decide!!!

5. COMINIC DUMMINGS

Dominic Cummings’ recent political manoeuvring has pivoted from a vaguely exciting evil subplot to just a blatant, “three children in a trench coat” meddling. In an “anonymous” leak to The Spectator, a “Number 10 source wink wink" outlined that the EU was refusing to play ball, that Germany was blocking a deal because of Ireland, and that if there was any chance of a no-deal Brexit, it would certainly be the fault of the stoopid EU for being so darn difficult.

Except, the leak stank of Dominic Cummings’ so much it was hard to see it as anything other than a calculated move to exonerate Number 10's deal failures and blame the EU. Former work and pensions secretary Amber Rudd told the BBC that she presumed it was Cummings, not to mention that the journalist who published the text message works with Cummings’ wife, Mary Wakefield, at The Spectator. Better luck next time, “Cominic Dummings.”

4. DEAL NEGOTIATIONS

Well, this has rather gone to shit, hasn’t it?

Or has it? Who can tell anymore? Just when everyone thought the hopes of reaching a deal were completely dead, Boris Johnson and Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar emerged from what they called a "detailed and constructive discussion" saying that they "could both see a pathway to a possible Brexit deal”. Blimey! With the certainty of "possibly just maybe seeing a route in the general direction of a deal", they may as well just sign it right now and get this done.

3. THE TORY PARTY CRUMBLING

Uh oh, is that the creak of an internal party split I hear? After Cummings’ (we presume) text message to The Spectator, ministers have been revolting over his push for a no-deal, telling The Times that “the Cabinet will set the strategy, not unelected officials,” and that, “If this is an attempt to do that then it will fail. We are not a Cabinet of sock puppets and nodding dogs.” Just to momentarily disrupt that mental image of the entire Tory party as nodding dogs, numerous high profile Conservatives are reportedly on a “resignation watch list”, such as Nicky Morgan, Julian Smith, Robert Buckland, Matt Hancock and Geoffrey Cox.

And according to the i, the party is at risk of fracturing if it has to run on a no-deal ticket. Which kind of undermines the entire strategy Dominic Cummings has been pursuing up to this point.

Let’s fuckin av it!!!1!

2. SUPER SATURDAY

This may sound like an exciting sporting event or a day when Dixon's reduces the price of all its DVD players, but it is far, far more thrilling than that. The deadline for Boris Johnson to get a deal is next Saturday, or else he will need to ask for a three-month extension as per the Benn Act. So on that Saturday, Johnson is holding an emergency debate to try and rally parliament around a deal, or more likely, to convince them to just revoke the Benn Act. It’s the first time Parliament has sat on a Saturday since a debate on the Falkland’s Crisis in 1982, so get your popcorn in for this wild, wild ride.

1. "THAT FILTHY TOE RAG" LADY.

The people have spoken.