This article originally appeared on Noisey US.
"Danielle, good afternoon," WPRI news reporter Jared Pliner says in the video above, glaring at the camera, standing on a Rhode Island beach with the sun forcing him to squint slightly. "Well I'll give you my observations – my personal observations being right next to it in just a moment. But first: An alien device? A piece of military history? Theories have been circulating for quite some time." If democracy, as the Washington Post reminds us, does indeed die in darkness, then Jared Pliner is a blinding spotlight in these shady times.
WPRI has been covering the unidentified underwater object by Taylor Swift's home in Westerly, RI, for weeks now. "Mystery surrounds strange object found in waters off Westerly," reads one headline. "Dive planned for mysterious Westerly object, could be removed next week," reads another.
"We are very close to Taylor Swift's home," Pliner says as pictures of the unidentified object flash up. "It looks like a campfire," he says. No, Jared, it does not. It looks like a tent frame. Maybe Peter Brockman, President of the East Beach Association can help us. Peter, what is it?
"Not a clue. We haven't solved anything here today," he says.
"As for what it looks like up close, Danielle, I gave you a little bit of my feeling or how I would describe it with that campfire comparison," Pliner continues, pretending that viewers weren't going to focus on the words alien device. "I can tell you[...] it does not feel like aliens have overtaken me, that it has this nefarious feel to it."
Those are Pliner's feelings; I have mine. When extraterrestrials invade our planet, they will gather around this device, their third eyes unblinking in the Rhode Island sun, and say in a buzzing monotone: "Look what you made me do."
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