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PUB NOTES

What's Gone On This Week: The British are Rejecting Pubs in Favour of Mead

And other stories, which are even worse.

by NEO
30 November 2018, 2:26pm

A mead drinker drinking mead. Photo: Julian Money-Kyrle / Alamy Stock Photo

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a new column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

WE’RE ALL DRINKING MEAD AGAIN, APPARENTLY

BRYTHONIC BARDS LIKE TALIESIN WROTE POEMS ABOUT IT. IN THE EPIC POEM "BEOWULF", VIKING WARRIORS WOULD GUZZLE IT DOWN BEFORE PLUNDERING AND MURDERING. NOW, SOMEONE CALLED "JONTY" IS DRINKING IT TOO. THANKS TO THE CRAFT BEER BOOM, IT SEEMS "MEAD" IS MAKING A COMEBACK.

FOR THE UNFAMILIAR, MEAD IS ONE OF THE OLDEST ALCOHOLIC DRINKS IN THE WORLD. IT’S PRODUCED BY FERMENTING HONEY WITH WATER AND DATES BACK THOUSANDS OF YEARS. IT HAS BEEN CALLED THE "NECTAR OF THE GODS", WHICH, WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND BEHIND THE BAR OF A WORKING MEN’S CLUB, IS WHAT REGULARS USED TO CALL FOSTERS.

THE CONSERVATION CHARITY "ENGLISH HERITAGE" CLAIM TO BE THE UK’S LARGEST RETAILER OF MEAD AND ARE INGENIOUSLY SELLING IT THROUGH GIFT SHOPS AT 400 OF THEIR HISTORIC BUILDINGS AND MONUMENTS, KNOWING FULL WELL EVERYONE WILL BE DYING TO GET PISSED AFTER VISITING ONE OF THOSE BORING CUNT SITES.

TRENDS SHOW MEAD SALES HAVE INCREASED ANNUALLY BY AN AVERAGE OF 10 PERCENT FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS, WITH SUPERMARKETS BEGINNING TO SELL THE ITEM AND BEER FESTIVALS OFTEN HAVING A "WELL-STOCKED MEAD SECTION".

"AS ONE OF THE WORLD’S OLDEST ALCOHOLIC DRINKS MEAD HAS SOMETIMES HAD QUITE AN ‘OLDE WORLDE’ REPUTATION, BUT WE’VE SEEN THAT DRAMATICALLY CHANGE OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS," SAID SAMUEL BOULTON, MANAGING DIRECTOR OF THE VANGUARD, COCKTAIL BAR AND MEAD HALL IN BIRMINGHAM. HE ALSO ATTRIBUTES THE “SUCCESS” OF GAME OF THRONES AS BEING PART OF THE REVIVAL. DRINKING ANYTHING "OLDE WORLDE" CAN GET TO FUCK, BUT I SUPPOSE IT’S BETTER THAN SOME CUNT DOWN THE CHRISTMAS MARKET RIPPING OFF THE LABELS OF BLOSSOM HILL AND CALLING IT "DORNISH WINE".

THESE "MEAD HALLS" WILL BE POPPING UP ALL OVER THE FUCKING COUNTRY SOON ENOUGH, AND MARK MY WORDS THIS OBSESSION WITH THEMED BARS HAS YET TO REACH A CRESCENDO. WE’VE ALREADY GOT ONES ABOUT THE OPIUM WARS AND PRISON. DO WE REALLY NEED AN INSTAGRAM-KEATS SUPPING THEIR HONEY-WINE WRITING PROSE ABOUT "THE ROLLING HILLS OF SOMERSET" IN THE CORNER OF A MOCK JACOBEAN COURT?

WE HAVE 18 PUBS CLOSING A WEEK IN BRITAIN. NEVER WAS THERE A MORE APPROPRIATE TIME TO SPEND AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AFFORD GETTING CUNTED DOWN YOUR LOCAL.

A VIDEO OF A SYRIAN REFUGEE BEING BEATEN AT SCHOOL HAS BROUGHT OUT THE WORST IN PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY

A 16-YEAR-OLD HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH ASSAULT AFTER A VIDEO EMERGED OF HIM HEADBUTTING A YOUNG SYRIAN REFUGEE, BEFORE PINNING HIM DOWN AND THREATENING TO “DROWN” HIM WHILE POURING A BOTTLE OF WATER OVER HIS FACE. THIS HAPPENED AT ALMONDBURY COMMUNITY SCHOOL IN HUDDERSFIELD, WHERE IT HAS EMERGED THE SISTER OF THE BOY WAS BULLIED TOO.

THE FOOTAGE IS DEPLORABLE BUT I WOULDN’T SAY "SHOCKING", AS THAT WOULD SUGGEST SURPRISE THAT INCIDENTS LIKE THIS ARE HAPPENING IN "MODERN BRITAIN".

OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE HAS RABIDLY TORN APART THE TEENAGE BULLY AS THOUGH WE DON’T LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHOSE MOST POPULAR NEWSPAPER REPEATEDLY FEAR MONGERS ABOUT PEOPLE – OR "COCKROACHES", AS THEIR COLUMNISTS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CALL THEM – FLEEING WAR ZONES JUST SO THEY CAN WREAK HAVOC ON THE BENEVOLENT UK.

THE VICTIM HAS SINCE HEART-WRENCHINGLY SAID HE “FELT ASHAMED OF HIMSELF” AFTER SEEING PEOPLE VIEW THE VIDEO. HIS FATHER SAID HIS SON IS “SHATTERED”.

THANKFULLY, SOMEONE WITH A CONSCIENCE TENDS TO SET UP A GOFUNDME PAGE WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS GOES VIRAL. IT HAS RAISED IN EXCESS OF £130,000 FOR THE BOY AND HIS FAMILY SO FAR. CUNTS ARE MAD ABOUT THAT AS WELL, THOUGH, UNSURPRISINGLY.

AS LONG AS THE BRITISH MEDIA LACKS HUMANE COVERAGE AND CONTINUES TO GIVE PLATFORMS TO PEOPLE WHO OPENLY CONDEMN REFUGEES, ASYLUM SEEKERS, MUSLIMS AND MIGRANTS, THE LIKELIHOOD OF HORRIFIC ASSAULTS LIKE THIS WON’T BE DECREASING ANYTIME SOON.

KATIE HOPKINS IS A LEGITIMATE "MEDIA PERSONALITY". PIERS MORGAN IS ON GOOD MORNING BRITAIN EVERY WEEKDAY WARBLING ABOUT THE “EMPIRE”. WHENEVER I ACCIDENTALLY SWITCH ON NEWSNIGHT THEY HAVE SOME DICKHEAD LIKE JULIA HARTLEY-BREWER ON THERE MAKING VERY INSIGHTFUL STATEMENTS, SUCH AS “I’M NOT OFFERING MY HOME TO A SYRIAN REFUGEE”. OUR PRIME MINISTER ORDERED BOMBS DROPPED ON SYRIA AND VOTED AGAINST ACCEPTING SYRIAN CHILD REFUGEES INTO THE COUNTRY. THERE’S NO HIDDEN AGENDA HERE, IT’S EXTREMELY VISIBLE FOR ALL TO SEE.

INDOCTRINATION OF YOUNG PEOPLE DOESN’T HAPPEN IN A VACUUM. NO ONE BULLIES BECAUSE THEY ARE HAPPY AT HOME. THAT KID IS A PRODUCT OF HIS ENVIRONMENT AND OUR CULTURE, WHICH CAN BE VIEWED IN ALL ITS HATEFUL GLORY IN THE REACTIONS TO LADBIBLE'S COVERAGE OF THE STORY – CONFIRMING ONCE AGAIN THAT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE BRITAIN'S PULSE, FACEBOOK COMMENT SECTIONS ARE WHERE TO GO.

RENTING: STILL CRAP

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF LETTING WAS MOVING INTO A "FULLY REFURBISHED, FURNISHED PROPERTY" WITH MY FRIENDS AT UNIVERSITY. WHEN MOVING-IN DAY CAME THERE WAS NO BED IN MY BEDROOM, JUST A SOLITARY ARTHURIAN ROUND TABLE IN ITS PLACE AND A SERVING HATCH LINKING MY ROOM TO THE KITCHEN, WHICH FUNCTIONED AS A PORTAL TO ANYONE INTERESTED IN MAKING MY LIFE HELL. SINCE THEN MY EXPERIENCES RENTING HAVEN’T IMPROVED MUCH.

NOW RENTING 2.0 IS HERE, WHERE LANDLORDS ARE NOW SO RICH AND ENTITLED THEY HAVE NO SHAME IN BOYCOTTING COMPANIES WHO DONATE TO HOMELESS CHARITIES OR CHARGING PEOPLE HUNDREDS OF POUNDS JUST TO VIEW ONE OF THEIR PREMIUM CRAWLSPACES – “PERFECT FOR YOUNG PROFESSIONALS!”

AS ONE CUSTOMER WROTE ON TRUSTPILOT: “THEY TRICKED US INTO PAYING A ‘HOLDING FEE’ OF £300 EACH… AFTER WE SAW THE PROPERTY AND DECIDED AGAINST IT, THE AGENTS REACTED WITH INDIFFERENCE AND TOLD US THEY DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE MONEY.”

SUCH LEVELS OF CROOKEDNESS ENCAPSULATE THE DIABOLICAL RENTING CULTURE OUR GOVERNMENT HAS SO FAR INFLICTED ON THE INHABITANTS OF THE UK. SINCE MILLENNIALS SEEM TO BE CONDEMNED TO A LIFETIME OF RENTING, IT’S MILDLY ENCOURAGING TO SEE MPS FROM ALL SIDES URGING THE GOVERNMENT TO CONFISCATE PROPERTIES OFF THE COUNTRY’S WORST LANDLORDS.

MIND YOU, THESE CALLS CAME FOLLOWING A SELECT COMMITTEE REPORT IN APRIL AND INVESTIGATIONS BY 'THE GUARDIAN' AND ITV NEWS, ALL OF WHICH FOUND THAT CONVICTED LANDLORDS WHO HAVE BEEN RULED UNFIT TO RENT THEIR PROPERTIES WERE CONTINUING TO OPERATE BY EXPLOITING "A GAP IN THE LAW". AND YET THE GOVERNMENT IS STILL RESISTING THESE HIGHLY RECOMMENDED CHANGES.

FUNNY THERE’S ALWAYS A LEGAL "LOOPHOLE" WHEN IT COMES TO SLUM LANDLORDS OR OFFSHORE TAX AVOIDANCE, AND YET WHEN I RIGHTLY POINT OUT THAT KILLING THE QUEEN SHOULD TECHNICALLY MAKE YOU KING OR QUEEN I’M LAMBASTED AS "SICK IN THE HEAD". IT’S A FUCKING DISGRACE.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE

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