The scamps in the VICE UK office decided it would be a fun idea to note down every single thing I put into my body during one day at Glastonbury. These are the results, kicking off directly at Thursday, 12.01AM, when the sweet rainfall of a just-below-the-median £34,473 annual London salary hit my bank account.
12.11AM: A surprisingly well-above average cheeseburger for dinner – £7
12.19AM: Arrive back at the tent. Take two lines of coke and a cigarette as a night-cap – £5/10
12.24AM: A beer (brought in for free) and another cigarette, as a night-cap night-cap – £0.30?
12.45AM: One last cigarette, because that’s how nicotine works – £0.30?
12.58AM: 10mg valium for sleep – £1.66
9.10AM: Wake up early from sweating out what feels every last bit of fluid from my body’s 2.5 million eccrine glands. I unzip the tent, eat a packet of crisps for breakfast because I’m at a festival and that’s how festivals work, then replenish my water bottle on the way out from the campsite – £0.15
9.28AM: Then: It’s pay-day, baby! Time to get my debts paid! £40 to a friend, £70 to a phone company, £40 to another friend. And since I can afford more than crisps, a £10.40 breakfast made up of a full English and Fanta goes into me, too – £120.40
10.15AM: Next up, crack open the first beer of the day in an ashamed yet loving way – £0
10.49AM: Grab another beer, in an even more ashamed yet loving way – £0
10.58AM: Bust one last beer because three is the magic number – £0
11.09AM: And finally: a line of cocaine because that’s too much beer at this time in the morning – £5ish worth of a gram
11.30AM: Or wait, hold up: is it? I’m awake now. So fuck it: I’ll have another cold one – £0
11.55AM: They say cocaine peaks between five and 45 minutes after the first dose, so guess it looks like I’m bang on time for another bump. Is that bad, good, too early – who can say? So there that goes. Two lines please and thanks – £10ish
1.15PM: Two hours later and I’m flagging a bit. Normally that’s a bad thing, today it’s a good thing since I’m booked in for a half-hour Reiki massage – £10
3.38PM: Another beer? Another beer – £0
4.25PM: Bump of cocaine for sustenance, doubled up with a cigarette – £5?
5.24PM: Eat three dried mushrooms for company on the long walk across the site to meet friends – £5?
5.29PM: On my arrival, friend has a weed and hash split spliff rolled, which I smoke a few quick puffs on – £0
5.31PM: Cocaine to perk up – £5?
5.58PM: By this point all the beer I could carry has run out but luckily this camp’s got one going spare. The finest of tinned Belgian lager – £0
6.11PM: The fact it’s been nearly an hour since I’ve ingested the shrooms and yet nothing much has happened makes a very strong case to take more shrooms. Three more stems then, thank you! – £5ish
6.23PM: Pick up B&H cigs – £10.50
6.38PM: The shrooms have worked. I’m on what feels like a never-ending hike to the top of the hill by the Park stage. Everyone has mosaic faces. Everyone wants a beer / I want a beer and have made everyone get a beer, idk – £5
8.52PM: Can’t tell you what happened between the beer and now beyond enjoying a sit down at the top of the hill and feeling lost in a vortex. It’s like I’ve emerged from the wormhole and when I do, it’s time for another beer. Or more correctly, an ale. – £5
9.37PM: I wouldn’t normally drink ale but I ditched my group of friends to meet another group which means nearly an hour of shared live locations and missed phone calls and therefore a lone drink to pass the time, with the shrooms subtly making the last of their presence known. Then: a proper meeting point, nirvana (AKA, there are chairs). Crucially there is also a guy selling some blow) – £50
9.39PM: I trade a mushroom stem with the drug man for a rock of MDMA. Sharing culture! – £0
10.22PM: A free beer, a friend I’ve just met – £0
10.59PM: Walk to NYC Downlow then realise our friend is playing a DJ set all the way on the opposite side of the festival. Crucially, we also have his headphones and time is running tight. Take half a pill when we arrive – £3
11.06PM: Another free beer, I am blessed (and yet also in debt for another round, bought after this diary ends) – £0/£15
11.52PM: This pill's doing nothing, so I take the MD rock and light another cigarette. During a long, meaningful conversation, I'm handed a free beer. My friend, you know who you are, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, good night (in another five hours time) – £0