Brexit Power Ranking: Is a Christmas General Election on the Cards?

It has certainly kicked off this week, and by kicked off we mean numerous elected MPs have voted on a selection of motions to timetable the process of a potential exit from the EU. We also might have a general election. Wild!

After Boris Johnson returned from negotiations with the EU with “a deal” – if you can even call it that – the best part of this week has been spent now trying to get Parliament to back it. This isn’t a simple a yes/no procedure like a mate asking whether you want to take shrooms at Thorpe Park on your birthday – an obvious yes – but a long system that involves first and second readings (how do MPs feel about it in theory), procedural motions (what about the timetable for it) and amendments (which bits do MPs think are shit).

Consequently, the Tories experienced something they’re well used to by now: rejection. Parliament rejected the timetable for the deal, so Boris Johnson was forced to ask for an extension and is now waiting to hear back from the EU for a date.

But considering there’s little desire to elongate the initial Brexit process of the withdrawal deal, the Tories are calling for a general election on December 12th. Except they actually don’t have the power to get one on their own. According to the Fixed Parliament Act, they will need to get the backing of two-thirds of the House of Commons, so they'll need the support of Labour MPs.

Labour said it would back a general election as long as the EU grants an extension. That means we could be gearing up to a freezing campaign trail that ends in a depressing Christmas election where someone wins, but really, no one wins.

[shakes head]

You’ve heard of famous slogans like “They're gonna taste GRRREAAT” (Frosties, 2006) and “One People, One Nation, One Leader". Now enjoy: “Let’s Get Brexit Done”, the new Tory party tagline on Brexit.

And all I can say is, finally! This is whole thing is so dull, and simply frustrating that we’re having to mull over this very complicated and important political decision for so long. Can the Tories just get this withdrawal agreement stage done with, so we can *finally* move onto stage two: the decades-long negotiations over trade agreements? Jesus.

Everybody knows politicians are good at spin, but it is truly an achievement to depict the events of the week as a success for Boris Johnson. This week, an email from the Conservative Party congratulated its members on getting “a deal passed in parliament” “for the first time in three years.”

Which is an incredibly weird way of talking about a rejected bill. Yes, Parliament did vote for the second reading of Johnson’s bill, a theoretical acceptance of a bill which does not mean MPs have to support it in the future. But also, and importantly, Boris Johnson’s withdrawal deal was rejected on the first reading, rejected on its timetable motion, and the government themselves are keen to throw it out as a result of the latter vote – clearly gunning for a general election so they can push a no-deal Brexit.

But hey, if that’s the tactic then all I would like to say is: I can’t believe Jeremy Corbyn is Prime Minister, long live David Bowie, and I’m so glad to soon be rejoining the European Union.

The right has historically had a terrible online strategy. Unlike Momentum, the young Labour group who actually understand how to construct a meme (a very specific science), the Conservatives and other splinter groups flail when it comes to that terrifying platform called the internet.

Anyone remember youth Conservative group Activate trying to do Twitter humour but instead accidentally channelling your aunt who isn't sure where the space bar is, while also sharing the graphic identity of a mid-00s local council campaign? Or Turning Point UK, the conservative organisation, whose "Shit Champagne Socialists Say" video at the beginning of 2019 was the most deeply, cringe-inducing self-own ever to have been witnessed in the depths of the internet?

This week, the Conservatives continued in this vein by tweeting out what a very Boiler Room take on its meaningless party slogans, finishing with a profoundly cursed Comic Sans image that makes your eyes go funny if you look at it for too long.

How do you do, fellow kids?

It's the most wonderful time of the year! On Monday, Boris Johnson will table a motion to have a general election on the 12th of December. If 75 percent of MPs back it, it will mean campaigning through the freezing cold months of November to be rewarded with either a Tory majority (pens, Cadbury's chocolate, an iPood T-shirt), a Corbyn government (Glossier make up, Glastonbury tickets, £2,000 from your weird uncle) or a hung parliament again (socks).