I, like many of you, am addicted to watching Instagram makeup tutorials. I'm addicted to watching minute-long videos on Instagram of beauty bloggers doing very elaborate and precise things to themselves with makeup. What is this culture? How did it begin? What interests me about it? I have absolutely no idea. All I can tell you is that I watch them more than I do anything else on my phone. And it's only getting worse as Instagram's algorithms populate my entire explore page with makeup tutorials. Sad!
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I can't take it anymore. It's time to talk about how every single on of these videos is evil.I don't know what happened exactly, but at some point these videos went from being pretty realistic and practical—you know, foundation, bronzer, blush, eye stuff, lip stuff—to being like… basically fucking rocket science. It happened so quickly that I almost didn't notice it. A makeup tutorial now includes approximately 100 different processes. First you've got these huge eyebrows you've gotta paint and you might as well be goddamned Michelangelo. You'll also need to use about seven different products. They're so intricate. So involved. They even draw tiny individual hairs! Which is all very stressful to me. What happens when you have an itchy eyebrow??? Can you even scratch it? Then you've got your eye stuff—thousands of layers of eyeshadow and glitter and shiny stuff and liner and liquid liner and then lashes! Then you've got that oil that you're dripping all over your face at a very weird angle. Then it's primer, concealer, foundation or BB cream or something. Then you do that white powder thing but only under your eyes and below your cheekbones. Then you're applying bronzer or contour or whatever, then highlighting, then some kind of spray to make it all stick there. Then you gotta paint your fucking lips on. I just can't help but imagine what happens when it's midnight and you're at a party. You're a bit sweaty and you hug a friend because you've taken a pill and you wanna tell them you love them. Then you eventually pull away and your entire face is on their white linen shirt. Does this happen? It has to. It just has to.
Each Video Involves Far More Steps Than Anyone Could Ever Actually Follow
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The Props
The Pointing!
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All the Chipmunky EDM!!
The Very Slow Blinking
The Clickbait Thumbnails
The Incredibly Slow Pace at Which They Apply Stuff to Their Lips
A post shared by Tag A Friend&Share This Page! (@make.up.vines) on Mar 17, 2017 at 7:28pm PDT
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The Millions of Face Masks and Treatments and Gel Things
A post shared by Tag A Friend&Share This Page! (@make.up.vines) on Mar 28, 2017 at 9:10pm PDT
Basically Zero Point For Them To Exist At All
Follow Issy on TwitterA post shared by @nails.brows.hair on Oct 17, 2016 at 9:27pm PDT