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Conspira Sea

Foo Fighters Headlining Glastonbury 2017 Means Dave Grohl is Why Everything's Fucked

Stick with me here.

by Lauren O'Neill
27 February 2017, 11:58am

In 2015, Dave Grohl broke his leg falling off a stage in Sweden. In the grand Noisey tradition of videos of people falling over, here is that moment:

After having the leg bandaged up, Grohl bravely came good on his promise to return to the stage for the rest of the band's set, which he performed sitting in a chair. His injury, however, meant major things for the Foos: it happened only two weeks before they were due to headline 2015's Glastonbury Festival, but in the end their appearance had to be cancelled, because Grohl's ability to do that thing every Glastonbury headliner ever does where they go down to hold hands with members of the crowd before being removed by an enormous security guard had unfortunately been compromised.

But you know all this. "This isn't news!" you cry. But I'll tell you what is news: over the weekend, Foo Fighters were announced as Glastonbury Festival's 2017 Saturday night headliner, presumably to make up for their missed 2015 slot. But in 2017, this makes no sense. They have not released new music since 2014. The only people who like Foo Fighters are the same people who liked them ten years ago, and though they are all still wearing the same musty-smelling Foo Fighters hoodie as they were then, these people cannot all be going to Glastonbury Festival. So there can only be one answer as to why this is happening:

Dave Grohl breaking his leg in 2015 was never meant to happen, ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, and triggered the chain of events that resulted in the world becoming the giant garbage fire we now live in.

Think about it. Summer 2015 was a relatively stable time. But then Dave Grohl broke his leg on June 12 2015. Donald Trump announced that he would be running for the Republican presidential nomination on June 16 2015. My theory, therefore, is this: if Dave Grohl had remained on that Swedish stage, Bernie Sanders would be President. Brexit would never have happened. Moonlight, of course, would still have won the Best Picture Oscar (some things, after all, are so good that they're true in every version of reality.) Grohl's leg, in my scientific opinion, therefore contains the secrets of time.

So, when the Foo Fighters take to the Pyramid Stage on 24 June 2017, finally fulfilling their 2015 destiny, will order will be restored? Or will that space-time continuum tear just get exponentially bigger? Will we wake up in a world where Piers Morgan is Prime Minister of the UK? To be honest, maybe not. Maybe things will just stay the same – maybe that continuum has ripped all it can rip already. Vin Diesel is a pop star now, after all, and that's enough of a head-fuck for anyone.

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(Image via Wikimedia Commons)