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Dating in ‘Grand Theft Auto Online’ Is Like Real Life, Only with More Robot Hand-Jobs

We had the whole of Los Santos before us. So what did we do? Argue about my driving, watch shit TV and have make-up sex, obviously.

by Matt Porter
03 July 2015, 11:19am

All screen shots courtesy of the author; copyright Rockstar Games/Take-Two Interactive

"What do you want to do?" I asked.
"Well, what can we do?" she replied.

What, indeed? Grand Theft Auto Online is a huge thing, and you're given the freedom to do just about anything you want. Want to go on a murderous rampage? Sure, you can do that. But what if you don't want to raise hell? I wanted to know whether the city of Los Santos is somewhere you can take a date, so I did so, inviting my girlfriend into GTA Online to see if a courting couple can have a good time without the usual GTA-experience death and explosions. As it happened, there was quite a lot of death and the occasional explosion, but we did manage some quiet time to ourselves.

Our date started, as many do, at the cinema. I waited on the corner for her to arrive, but when it got dark I started to worry. Just when I thought I was being stood up, I spotted her walking towards me. She looked lovely in her nice new blue suit, sporting a fashionable amount of stubble. Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that my girlfriend doesn't own GTA V, so she was playing on a male friend's account.

Annoyingly, she had taken so long deciding what to wear that the cinema had closed. We agreed to return when it opened in the morning, but in the meantime, we had to find something else to do. A late night trip to the amusement pier, perhaps? Wondering how I was taking selfies, my girlfriend tried to take her phone out. "What was the button you said? B?" "No it's..." I began, before getting punched in the face. "Oh, I thought you said it was B," she said, kicking me this time.

Suitably woozy from the Ferris wheel and roller coaster (and getting punched in the face, obviously), we decided to dance the night away at a club. Sadly, there aren't any freely accessible regular clubs in Los Santos, so a strip joint would have to do. The ladies of the establishment, apparently unaware I was there with a date, kept offering me private dances, which I made sure to politely refuse.

It might not have been a normal club, but at least they had alcohol.

The sun was starting to come up when we left, but despite feeling sober we obviously still had some alcohol in our systems. Another player sped past and scraped my car, prompting my booze-buoyed partner to get out and start firing off rounds at the reckless driver.

It didn't end well for her.

A quick respawn later and I took my partner in passion and, now, crime to the airport for an early morning helicopter ride over the city. After seeing some of the sights we realised that it was nearly time for the cinema to open. Not being people to waste time finding legal places to land, we decided to create a makeshift helipad out of the cinema roof. It actually worked pretty well.

We ended up seeing The Loneliest Robot in Great Britain, which proved to be surprisingly graphic for a matinee presentation. When the sun's still high in the sky is an odd time to show a movie depicting a robot pleasuring two men (one human, one not) at once, metal fingers gripped tight and pumping away like the milk's about to turn sour. The game decided not to seat us together, despite us being in an otherwise empty cinema, which was something of a dampener on any potential romance. Get your act together, Rockstar: cinemas should be prime make-out locations, especially when there's horny wanking machines on show.

It seemed to be going well, so on went our date. After an unfortunate incident involving a pedestrian, the side of my car and that of a complete stranger's vehicle, I decided we needed a new set of wheels, without smears of blood across the paintwork, for a trip into the San Andreas countryside. While we were waiting for the mechanic to deliver my other car, my date finally found the "blow kiss" option in the menu, and was doing it towards me. Score. But, being the gentleman I am, I decided it was too early in the day (and the date) to try out the "docking" action on her.

A few hours of exploring later and sunset was on the horizon. A trip to the top of a mountain would be a romantic way to see out the remaining daylight minutes, I figured. My girlfriend thought likewise, but quickly disagreed when I took our car off road and powered it up a hill. Partially afraid of heights and not happy with my driving, she dived from the car while it was still in motion, shouting: "I'd rather die than be in a car with you." She stubbornly walked back down the hillside, while I drove alongside her slowly, honking my horn. Which makes a custom "womp womp" sound, so she wasn't too pleased with that, either.

I abandoned my pursuit of mountaintop snuggles and persuaded her to get back in the car with me, driving carefully back down to ground level. While my skills behind the wheel didn't agree with her, clearly our earlier spin in a chopper had, and she said we could find another airborne vehicle. So, off we went to the nearest airfield and hopped in a plane. Our date had lasted about 24 hours at this point, so we agreed it might be time to call it a night. After taking off, I took a scenic route back to the city, and then came an idea for one final bit of excitement.


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"I'll get out first, and then you can follow me," I announced, directly before diving out of the plane and popping my parachute. She stepped out afterwards, leaving the plane to, um, yeah. We floated over the city together, and conveniently landed right on my doorstep. Sensing an opportunity, I asked her up to my apartment, and she didn't need a second invitation to get straight back on the booze. We cuddled (that is, sat strangely upright) on the sofa for a while watching TV, before retiring to the bedroom.

Now, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but this picture should speak for itself.

@Matt_Porter44

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Tagged:
Gaming
Dating
vice gaming
grand theft auto v
San Andreas
Grand Theft Auto Online
Wanking Robots
los santos
Matt Porter
Crushing pedestrians with sportscars
Flying aeroplanes recklessly to impress a date
Landing helicopters on cinema roofs because you've no loose change for the parking meter