Octomom Masturbating Is the 38th Wonder of the World

Nadya Suleman—aka Octomom—is about to have sex with herself on my computer screen. Supposedly. I’m beginning to think that it is a lie, because so far she is just twirling back and forth in front of a fountain, making a face like the time I was in traffic, three lanes from the shoulder, two miles from the exit, and accepted that I was absolutely going to have diarrhea in my pants. Now, eight minutes into Octomom: Home Alone, she is trying to balance on a wooden stool, holding both of her breasts in one hand while grabbing her vagina with the other. It is not going well. It looks like someone trying to open the front door while carrying groceries in from the car.

During a Howard Stern appearance to promote Home Alone, Octomom agreed to ride on the Sybian, Stern’s unofficial coronation ceremony for women with little shame and tanned thighs. (For people who don’t watch porn all day, the Sybian is basically an aggro vibrator.) It is impossible to adequately convey how ridiculous her performance on the device was, but understand that witnessing Octomom on the Sybian is basically the internet doing donuts on your front lawn. It was like she was doing her best Sexxi Babez impression, only she based it on phone sex hotline commercials and Cinemax instead of real human behavior. She screamed not in ecstasy but in distress, like a recording of a 9-1-1 call, or the cockpit audio as a plane was about to crash into an ocean. Try as she might, Octomom has all the sex appeal of a tragedy. But not Romeo and Juliet, which I learned in tenth grade was a “tragedy,” but was still sort of hot, particularly during the scene where Mercutio fingers Benvolio’s asshole behind a Sunoco station, but Mercutio can never say anything, because Benvolio is afraid his homosexuality will jeopardize his football scholarship.

Still, despite her inability to have a convincing orgasm in front of strangers, these are prosperous times for the once-bankrupt Octomom. She revealed to Stern that she recently became a sponsor for the coupon website Save Everyday, and the spokesperson for OctoLoan, a lender network that arranges for her to hang out with you down at the bottle deposit. Its website quotes her as saying “OctoLoan is a trusted source that connects you to cash lenders nationwide,” which is like Tony Danza telling you how to become an astronaut, or a giraffe trying to explain the electoral college.

The rest of her visit she spent insisting that she’s attracted to men but doesn’t like to touch them (she hasn’t had sex in 13 years), and explaining to Stern how porn star Jessica Drake had to teach her to masturbate.

Porn is a last resort for damaged female celebrities (probably just above “snorting crushed up Tylenol PMs with Mickey Rourke in a pawn shop basement in exchange for a trip to IHOP,”) but there are important distinctions to be made. This is not Lindsay Lohan agreeing to do Playboy. That was a detour. Octomom in Home Alone is a total surrender. It is desperation and latent narcissism manifested as public self-degradation. She is trolling herself. To call it a train wreck would be to diminish legitimate train wrecks. Cameron Manheim masturbating with a vacuum nozzle while smearing refried beans on her nipples would be a train wreck. Tom Sizemore wearing Ugg boots and a doo-rag and sweating like a malaria-infected prisoner in a North Vietnamese dirt dungeon was a train wreck. Home Alone is not gross or fascinating or arousing. It’s just the least ambitious, least erotic pornography you’ll ever see. Seeing Octomom naked is like checking out a tag sale, where you pull your car up to the curb, lower your windows, and then ultimately decide that it’s all garbage and that you should probably go home.

There are sequences in which it truly seems as though she was unaware of her own vagina’s existence prior to the filming. At one point, in one of the video’s few explicit sex scenes, she takes out a silver dildo and rubs it on her vagina basically like a deaf and blind person tracing FOOD THANK YOU BYE or something on someone’s hand. In the Stern interview she was annoying, loud, and clumsy, and her badness paired with the shitty ambient music and coy PORN GURL lip biting played like dull parody.

None of this is necessarily an indictment of Octomom’s attractiveness. Her stomach looks totally normal and not gross, which is almost inconceivable considering that when she was pregnant she looked like she had swallowed a beanbag chair and John Goodman at the same time. She is not so much unattractive as she is an assemblage of odd or obviously artificial parts. Her hands look like a mechanic’s; her lips are lumpy and wrinkled, like the inflatable mattress the morning after my Uncle Dave got evicted and had to spend the night (HOW R U DOING UNCLE DAVE NANA TOLD ME UR WORKING AT BEST BUY NOW?); her voice sounds like a test of the emergency broadcast system. She looks like Janeane Garofalo if Janeane Garofalo were made out of rubber bands and Kraft singles wrappers, which isn’t to say I wouldn’t masturbate to her. I’ve masturbated to Bare Minerals infomercials at four in the morning, a woman spraying breast milk on herself, grainy Metacafe clips of Jeanne Tripplehorn having sex with Michael Douglas, a piece of banana bread, that YouTube video of a girl doing yoga in the woods, and the memory of the time I was in a crowded elevator and a girl’s breast was pressed against my elbow for, like, at least a whole minute. I don’t care. I’m actually masturbating right now.

If you are at all intrigued by this video, it’s probably by the opportunity to glimpse a vagina that, logically, should look like a muddy soccer cleat or the pizza box you keep on the floor of the garage. But only four of her kids were delivered naturally, and the reality is it’s impossibly small. The problem with Home Alone isn’t her physical appearance, the problem is it’s almost uncomfortable to watch, because she couldn’t conceivably enjoy what she’s doing. I still watched, because I’m a disgusting person. Anyway, most of the video is just generic slow-motion sequences with a lot of Provocative Boob Caressing, really her only move. There’s also a bizarre scene where she irons some clothing and does laundry and makes eggs, like a good little woman should (LOL MISOGYNY), but who gives a shit honestly because this is the worst thing.

Later, after the credits in Home Alone, Macauly Culkin pees on Octomom’s back and says, "Keep the change, you filthy animal.”

@RBUAS