Imagine, for a second, that you are Adele. You are Adele Laurie Blue Adkins MBE, and you are absolutely minted. You recently reportedly signed the most expensive record deal in all of music history, with Sony, worth £90 million, thus finding yourself with even more money than ever before. You are the UK’s richest ever female musician. What would you do in this situation? You probably wouldn’t buy an island, like Celine Dion. You are someone who goes straight from a Grammy performance to In-N-Out Burger. You probably still eat at mid-level restaurants and ask which bottle of wine is the cheapest. So what the hell do you do with all your money?
One day your best gal pal says to you, “Adele, babes, I’m not being funny right, but you have loads of money. I just got engaged and you have a lavish allotment of cash. So, wouldn’t it be a laugh if, for my hen do, you dropped £2 million on a luxury villa in Ibiza for us and all our mates to get smashed in for a week?” Then you do that incredible, infamous Adele cackle of yours that sounds like a crow being tickled, and get the plane tickets in for all the gals. Why not, eh? Balls, life, grab.
A few weeks later, you’re off to Ibiza with a group of twenty women from north London wielding suitcases full of duty free tequila and dick straws, conducting the kind of million pound mash up most mere mortals only see in films. Yeah, there is a general rule of thumb that what happens in #Beefa stays in #Beefa, but don't we all want to know what a £2 million hen-do with Adele and twenty of her bessies in the clubbing capital of the world looks like? Well, we did some digging and interviewed absolutely everyone who saw her*. From these accounts, we can piece together a candid portrait of the biggest hen party since records began.
*For legal reasons, we should say that none of these people are in any way real and any resemblance to living persons are coincidental. This is a piece of fiction.
SOME RANDO ON THE SAME FLIGHT
“I was quite surprised that Adele and a bunch of her mates were on my Ryanair flight to San Antonio, to be honest. It’s not something you see every day, like – Adele, on the same flight as you, ordering Prosecco minis for everyone and clucking over the in-flight safety announcements. She always seems really down to earth on telly and that, but you can never tell with celebrities, can you. She’s alright, her. Aye. Nice girl, that Adele.”
“When Adele and her party checked in they were very lively, obviously here to have a good time and blow off some steam. After I handed over the keys, Adele put her arm around my shoulder, leaned in, and whispered if I knew where she could get some ‘reliable pingers’. I had no idea what she was talking about, but before I could show her how to work the jacuzzi or anything she turned the entertainment unit to MTV Base and two of her friends started to empty bottles of Schnapps into a mixing bowl. I left them to it after that.”
FRIEND ON HEN DO
“The thing about going out with Adele is she doesn’t really drink, so even after two glasses of wine at dinner she’s an absolute fucking nightmare. After we left the villa she was already on one, and last time we went away her label banned her from using her own Twitter account after she @’d Graham Norton with a photo of her doing a keg stand, so I confiscated her phone. It’s not even dark by the time we go to the first bar but we lose her almost immediately. We’re like, oh fuck she’s been papped. She’s flashed her bra at a tour guide or something for a laugh and the Daily Mail are going to have a fucking field day. Then she just stumbles out of nowhere with a tray of shots and a fistfill of email addresses for families she’s promised gig tickets to. When I told her to calm down she just said 'SHA UP!' and told me to stop harshing her buzz.”
JET SKI OPERATOR
“At first I was a bit wary about letting Adele rent out the equipment because her and her mates were all pretty pissed and she’s obviously a massive celebrity, so if anything happened I’d land right in the shit. But in the end I thought, you know what, let her live. So I dragged her and her mates round on a banana boat and they were loving it. All I could hear was Adele – you can tell her voice a million miles away – screaming, “Wooo! I’m like DJ Khaled! Major key!”
A TEXT TO SIMON KONECKI, HUSBAND OF FIVE YEARS
“Hi, im safe in ibiza. I love you and miss you soo much xx". That's all I got. Sent at 10:34pm.
LOCAL BUSINESS OWNER
“Dude it was crazy! Adele is one of the best mechanical bull riders I’ve ever seen. Usually people struggle to do that and drink at the same time, but she had a vodka and coke in each hand and didn’t fall off for over a minute. She wouldn’t let us put her on our board of high scorers in case the press were able to trace her trip, so we gave her a free t-shirt and complimentary magnet instead, which she was overwhelmingly happy with. In fact, we couldn’t get her to leave – she wouldn’t stop telling us how much she loved the t-shirt, which she’d pulled over her dress.”
“It was lovely to bump into Adele while I was in Ibiza. ‘I can’t believe you’re here!’ I said, ‘You should’ve text me!’ She looked a bit awkward after that and said she lost my number but I think she was joking. She’s so funny, isn’t she. We had a bit of banter about the Queen and I said me and David were going to Pacha but she said she had other plans. Ah well, next time!”
BARTENDER AT PACHA
“So, around 4am this woman wearing an 'I’M IN IBIZA BITCH' t-shirt over her dress slammed her hands down on the bar and shouted 'FORTY SHOTS OF BUCA' at no one, and I was like holy shit it’s Adele. I asked her for a selfie and she just went 'HA!' so I took that as a yes. I wish I could show you, but unfortunately one of her representatives got in touch with me a few days ago and asked me to get rid of it. She’s got both her middle fingers up and a cigarette hanging out the corner of her mouth. In the background you can see a guy who looks a lot like Ed Miliband staring at her. Looks a bit like he's crying.”
SOMEONE IN THE SMOKING AREA
“I’m standing in the smoking area of Pacha, just getting a bit of air, and out of the corner of my eye I catch this group of women whispering and giggling and I swear one of them looks just like Adele, but it can’t be Adele right? Anyway, she comes over, bit wobbly, and says, 'Oi, can ah ave a cigarette?' I don’t point out that she’s already got one in her mouth. When Adele asks for a cigarette you give her a cigarette, you know? Anyway it didn’t matter because before she even lit up she climbed up on the wall, shouted 'WHO LIKES SPICE GIRLS!?' and then did an acapella rendition of 'Spice Up Your Life'."
"I was about to close for the night but this group of women started banging on the window, screaming. At first I thought they were in trouble, so I open up and bloody Adele barges in screaming 'WHERE DO YOU KNOW ME FROM! WHERE DO YOU KNOW ME FROM!' And I was like, well, you're Adele, obviously, so, from music and that... I thought it was a joke. I kept looking around to see where James Corden was going to jump out from. Her mate said Adele wants 'Stormzy' in all capital letters on her arse. And Adele was like, 'Who do you think I am, Cheryl Cole?' But a few minutes later there I am, tattooing 'Stormzy' on Adele's arse. I asked her what she was doing in Ibiza, to make small talk, and she said, 'Reppin, innit'."
“This was the worst week of my life. They’re lovely women, but Jesus Christ. It was worse than escorting Example around Reading Festival in 2006. Next time Adele goes on holiday I’m calling in sick.”
SOME POOR EXHAUSTED FUCKER WHO WORKS FOR THE BRITISH EMBASSY IN IBIZA
“Adele was escorted to the embassy around 7am after crashing a jet ski into an umbrella shack while intoxicated. We tried to process her paperwork but she just kept laughing and saying ‘Sha up! I’m Adele, d'youknowwhatimean.’ One of her friends was sick in a mesh bin and another was trying to cop off with one of the consulates, so in the end we just let them all go. On her way out she left a £3,000 tip on the table in the hall, and said 'That's for you, darl'.”
You can find Emma on Twitter.