Got debts? Forget Wonga, Wizzcash, selling your Persian rug on Gumtree or eating canned tuna for dinner for 3 weeks, just holler at Taylor Swift and she’ll send a fat cheque in the mail, no questions asked.
That is exactly what happened for ultra Swift stan Rebekah Bortnicker on Monday when a massive box arrived at her house, apparently sent by T Swizzle, containing jewellery, photos, a painting and a cheque for £1,300 (or $1,989, get it?) to help with “paying those student loans.”
Rebekah came to Swift’s attention through her Tumblr, which is an unnerving yet kinda endearing insight into how much Taylor Swift can mean to one person. If you want tips on how you could receive free money from pop stars, see Rebekah’s homemade video montage set to the Friends theme tune; because apparently that was the clincher.
Could all these gifts be an elaborate hoax from an internet weirdo as part of a sociological experiment? Should Rebekah have a round the clock policeman at her front door just incase? In an age where Niall from One Direction’s one year-old nephew has his own dedicated fanzine, these are all reasonable questions to ask. But, as always, Taylor’s deep understanding of the universe put her one step ahead. She thought of everything; handwriting a card, bumping Rebekah's Tumblr beforehand and even photographing herself painting the damn picture. International Popstar - 1, Scary Modern Society Built On Weird Conspiracy Theories - 0.
At least we now have proof that Taylor Swift is, in fact, a real person, capable of paintings and handwritten cards, and not an android from North Korea aimed to seize the attention of the entire planet before releasing a single that is just 3 minutes of the brown sound, which goes number one in Europe and America, and makes the Western world shit itself relentlessly until the economy understandably crashes.
Rebekah has uploaded a video of her opening all the legitimate Swift gifts on YouTube. It’s 7 minutes long, so feel free to skip along, or watch the whole thing if you’d like to see a kid attempt to negotiate bubble wrap while suffering ecstatic breathing fits.
Follow Joe on Twitter: @cide_benengeli