Advertisement
This story is over 5 years old
CAPS LOCK REVIEWS

Rob Zombie's 'Regeneration Vendor' Makes Mothers Cry Because When Their Children Listen to it They Inadvertently Prove That They Are Devoid of Swag

IF YOU'RE A NORMAL HUMAN THAT HAS SEX SOMEWHAT REGULARLY AND DOESN'T CHEW UP FOOD THEN STICK THEIR TONGUE OUT LIKE "BLLLEEEEGGGHHH" WHILE ROLLING YOUR EYES BACK THEN YOU NEED TO NOT FUCK WITH THIS AT ALL B.

by The Kid Mero
24 April 2013, 9:00am

ARE YOU KIDDING ME MY PAL? ARE YOU A 12 YEAR-OLD TRYNA PISS YOUR MOM OFF? THIS IS THE SHIT 13-YEAR OLDS PLAY IN THE MINIVAN WHEN THEY MOM TAKES THEM TO THE MALL. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING LIL PUBERTY BABY DICK NIGGA, YOU ARE EMBARASSING THE SHIT OUTTA YOUR MOTHER B. SHE'S RUNNING LIGHTS CUZ SHE DOESN'T WANNA GET SEEN WHIPPIN THE HONDA ODYSSEY TO THE MALL OF AMERICA WITH YOU PLAYING THIS TECHNO GOTHIC FUCKBOY FISHNET DURAG WHITE DREADLOCK SHIT. SHE IS MORTIFIED, NOT BECAUSE THIS IS "AGGRESSIVE" BUT BECAUSE IF SOMEONE FROM HER BOOK CLUB SEES HER THEY ARE GONNA LAUGH ABOUT HER OVER DINNER WITH HER NORMAL CHILDREN WHO LISTEN TO MAX B AND SHIT. SHE IS ASHAMED BECAUSE YOU ARE DEVOID OF SWAG B.

ROB ZOMBIE IS LIKE A CARTOON VERSION OF "EVIL SCARY METAL NIGGA" ALSO HE HAS DREADS B. NIGGA INVENTED TECHNO GOTH (I THINK), WHICH IS THE MOST EMBARASSING SUBCULTURE EVER B. THE NIGGAS THAT USED TO KICK IT BY THE CUBE AT ASTOR ARE THIS NIGGAS TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC. IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT CUZ YOU'RE NOT FROM NEW YORK JUST IMAGINE A BUNCH OF NIGGAS IN LEATHER TRENCHOATS, WRAPAROUND SHADES, AND FINGERLESS GLOVES WITH FLOURESCENT YARN ENTANGLED IN THEY HAIR. THIS NIGGA MUST SUCK LIVE CAUSE ALL HIS SONGS GOT THESE WEIRD STUPID SOUND EFFECTS ON HIS SHIT. THIS NIGGA LIVE WOULD PROLLY BE WORSE THAN ASKING RON BROWZ TO SING AMAZING GRACE ACAPELLA. NEVER SEEN THIS DUDE LIVE BUT I'M SURE HE HAS SCARY PUPPETS RUNNING AROUND ON STAGE FAKE KILLING EACHOTHER.

THIS NIGGA GOT A SONG/INTERLUDE WITH A SITAR IN IT THAT I KNOW FOR A FACT IS GONNA BE THE BACKGROUND MUSIC TO A SCENE IN A RACIST ASS MOVIE WHERE A BUNCH OF WHITE MARINES RANSACK A PAKISTANI VILLAGE AND SHOOT THE SHIT OUTTA EVERY NIGGA WEARING ETHNIC CLOTHING ITEMS SUCH AS SANDALS. YO BUT ON SOME REAL SHIT THIS WHOLE ALBUM MAKES ME THINK THIS NIGGA IS KIDDING BUT I KNOW THIS NIGGA AINT KIDDING. HE PROBABLY RECORDS IN A STUDIO WITH OD PENTAGRAMS AND FAKE SEVERED GOAT HEADS HANGIN ON THE WALL. NIGGA'S RECORDING BOOTH PROLLY GOT RUBBER FAKE MEATHOOKS HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND SHIT LOOKING LIKE A SCENE FROM A STRAIGHT TO DVD HORROR MOVIE STARRING AN OLD PORN STAR TRYNA GO MAINSTREAM B.

YO I'M SORRY Y'ALL BUT I GOT HALFWAY THROUGH THIS SHIT AND I COULDN'T EVEN TOLERATE THE SHIT ANYMORE B. IF YOU HAVE A SCARY PLAY AREA WITH COBWEBS AND A BALL PIT THAT IS FULL OF BALLS SHAPED LIKE SKULLS THEN THIS IS YOUR SHIT NAHMEAN. IF YOU HAVE A HOODIE WITH SKULLS ON IT AND THE OAKLEY SHADES THAT PLAY MUSIC ON SOME DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER SHIT THIS IS YOUR LIFE SOUNDTRACK. IF YOU'RE A NORMAL HUMAN THAT HAS SEX SOMEWHAT REGULARLY AND DOESN'T CHEW UP FOOD THEN STICK THEIR TONGUE OUT LIKE "BLLLEEEEGGGHHH" WHILE ROLLING YOUR EYES BACK THEN YOU NEED TO NOT FUCK WITH THIS AT ALL B. THIS IS EXCLUSIVELY FOR NIGGAS WITH EIGHT PEWTER SKULL RINGS ON SIMULTANEOUSLY AND PURPLE MANIC PANIC BANGS. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GIVE THIS SHIT 0 PILES OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE THIS NIGGA DID THE SOUNDTRACK TO TWISTED METAL. GOOGLE IT.

STANDOUT TRACK: THIS SHIT SUCKS B ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M LISTENING TO FRANK REYES - "TU ERES AJENA" WHICH IS A STRAIGHT BANGER AND IF YOU EVER WENT TO A PARTY WITH DOMINICAN PEOPLE IN ANY CAPACITY (EVEN A FUNERAL) THEY PLAYED THIS SHIT TWICE. *DOES VERY SWAGGY BACHATA STEP AND SWEEPS YOUR GIRLFRIEND OFF HER FEET*

The Kid Mero has taught his editor a lot about music. He's on Twitter - @THEKIDMERO

For more CAPtivating CAPS LOCK REVIEWS by The Kid Mero check out:

Kid Cudi's 'Indicud' is an Audio Cokedream

Ian McCulloch's 'Holy Ghost' Is Music For A Grandfather In A Starbucks

Tyga's 'Hotel California' Is Half Good As Long As You Forget You're Listening To Tyga