In Do They Actually Suck?, we take a closer look at some of the most universally loathed bands to examine whether people’s overwhelming hatred is justified or whether the bands are getting a bad rap. We objectively rank things like their music, behavior, appearance, and fanbase to determine if these bands do, in fact, suck.
Today, we look at two bands with cult followings, Insane Clown Posse and Dave Matthews Band, and rank their attributes on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the most sucky...
INSANE CLOWN POSSE
Most people know ICP for their meme-ready song “Miracles” where the duo questions life’s greater (but very easily answerable) mysteries like magnets and how they work. You may not be surprised to hear that “Miracles” was not a fluke. The group has released FOURTEEN albums over the last 25 years of unfathomly dumb songs that seem to be getting increasingly more moronic over the years. Apparently all that glue-sniffing is taking its toll. For a great example, look at their song “Blacken Your Eyes” which is as misogynist as it is unlistenable: "We fucking in the bed then I'll shoot you in your head/You never make me cry, before that bitch you die."
You might think the clown makeup is pretty ridiculous, and it is, until you consider that without it, they look like uncooked chickens:
For two guys who share three brain cells, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J are surprisingly smart marketers. They’ve branded everything about them, from the makeup, to the hatchet man logo, and everything right down to the “Whoop! Whoop!” Insane Clown Posse are rich, but not as rich as you might think for two guys who have had a long-standing cult following. CelebrityNetWorth.com has the members worth $15 million each, which is what happens when you try to produce movies, fund a wrestling company, and promote a giant annual music festival.
Juggalos are, by all accounts, fucking ridiculous. That’s pretty evident right from their clown makeup, hilariously bad tattoos, and the fact that their drink of choice is a third-rate antifreeze-colored soda. But to their credit, they are all tied firmly together by their common bond over how little they give a fuck about your opinion of them. They’ve created an annual free-for-all utopia where the country’s overweight, underweight, pale, unemployable, and otherwise undesirable dregs of society gather in a five-day toothless fuckfest where anything goes. So, at least they’ve got unity. Bonus points for that.
Actual suckage rating: 8.7/10
When you make the worst, stupidest music imaginable, you get the following that comes with it.
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
Dave Matthews is an evil genius who manages to combine elements from several of music’s most grating genres like jam rock, jazz fusion, folk, and bluegrass to create a supershitty mutant genre. He has written the same song over 100 times and takes an improvisational approach to performing them live. Either that or he is just making this shit up as he goes along because, really, who’s gonna notice?
At least aesthetically, Dave is pretty harmless. He kinda just looks like the dude who whips out the acoustic guitar on camping trips and plays “Champagne Supernova.” Nobody likes that guy and his name is usually Josh. But still, at least he doesn't rock a perma-fedora like fellow boring laid-back jammer, Jason Mraz.
Aside from being a rumored coke head, Dave has maintained a pretty upstanding public life. If nothing else, he has been a vocal advocate for gay rights and climate change research, which is good since his fans definitely come off as Republican hippies. Otherwise, when do you ever hear about Dave Matthews in the news aside from when he’s hitching rides from fans to his shows?
Dave Matthews Band fans are like Phish fans for people in college. Which is to say, they are an insufferable cult of hippies united by their common misguided belief that they have good taste in music. Most people get into DMB in college and then make it a shitty lifestyle choice forever. “Daveheads,” with their popped collars and hats with pre-worn bills, will go far as to list “Dave” as a musical genre. As in, “Oh, I listen to some grunge, some hip-hop, Dave, of course. Anyway, there’s a sale on cargo shorts. Gotta run.”
Dave and his very non-descript fans.
Actual suckage rating: 5.15/10
Dave makes boring white people music for white people and is just a boring white guy.
Follow Dan on Twitter - @danozzi
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