London Rental Opportunity of the Week: Wanking Banter Bros in Tooting!

What is it? Hard exactly to tell and we will look into that further anon but the most I can say at this point is 'a sort of bunk bed dormitory synthesis where wanking is strictly encouraged', so
Where is it? Tooting, home to a lido, a load of people who have children and their shit together, and a fair number of Australian-owned cafés where people legitimately say "fair dinkum" and charge you £4 for an imported Cherry Ripe.
What is there to do locally? Honestly what I normally do when I have never been to an area and I need to fill out this bit is Google 'things to do Tooting' and invariably get sent to the TimeOut website which just says 'there's a good place to get curry' and I sort of wasted all the good jokes gleaned from that in the bit above so I can't tell you, what to do, here, the façade has slipped.
Alright, how much are they asking? Just £300 of your English pounds, therefore making this about the only appropriately priced property in all of London, although obviously with caveats (the primary caveat being wanking) (although as stated we'll get to that).

Hey if you're a man and you're a fan of wanking then do I have a treat for you:

Listen there's a lot going on here and I think we need to eschew such fripperies as 'written through paragraphs' and 'endless riffs that go ultimately nowhere and just serve to infuriate the three regular VICE commenters who remember the old days and miss them' and instead enter here into a No Fuckabout Zone™ where we are absolutely Not Fucking About, there is no room for it, and so here is the No Fuckabout Zone™, welcome to it:

THE LONDON RENTAL OPPORTUNITY OF THE WEEK NO FUCKABOUT ZONE™

What is going on here, Sir? I don't know exactly but I am pretty sure we are deep into someone's fetish, and this someone's fetish has stemmed from every single film and TV show about young men living in college dorms, and that is their fetish, their fetish is that breathless, heavy-on-the-air unspoken homoeroticism, that sort of 'no homo bro!' exclamation of defence bros make right before they all toss off onto a biscuit, and what he is trying to do here is synthesis dormitory culture right here in the UK, in Tooting, and so is offering alleviated rents under the guise of just four guys living in the same quadruple-sized room, hey guys, hey brah, we're all just boys here, just boying around and having fun, wanking, hey, it's just banter and jokes my bro, haha, cool, hey, here's a cool thing: can I suck your sweet dick? That sort of thing;

Where exactly does this advert go a bit off? It goes a bit off exactly at the word "wankin", I have to tell you that, because up until then it is an exceedingly cheery advert offering an unusual if understandable living arrangement, and you are flipping through the images pulled from Google Images of 'bros in dorms' and you are like, 'huh, you know what: maybe this is a life I could lead, maybe just a few months, 300 sheets a month and it's just be and the guys, bills included, it could be like old times, palling around with the boys and—

Ah, no, it's definitely a wank dungeon, this, isn't it, this is definitely just a trap set up specifically to watch me wank.'

How long do you think the person who wrote this advert spent looking at the word "wanking" and then deliberately dropping the "g" on the end to form the more casual-seeming "wankin"? I would estimate a day and a half.

What is the motivation of the dude behind this? Normally I am inclined to say 'murder' because anything weird like this is almost certainly done with the idea that it's really easy to murder people when they are asleep in a bunkbed in the same room as you, trust me, trust me on that, but then also I do truly believe the person organising this does truly want to see some good old-fashioned wankin before he does eventually plunge the knife, so yes although murder is almost certainly the ulterior motive here, the primary motive is seeing some sweet, sweet jacked penises before they do. And, in many ways, is that not truly what is motivating us all?

Do you think the 'girlfriend' mentioned in the advert as being visited every weekend by the wank-liking man actually exists? No I do not.

What would the smell of a four-man dormitory where one of the dudes is bang into watching the other three dudes masturbate be like? It would be sweet and heavy, this sort of human muskiness, like: you know when you sit in a room alone all day with the curtains drawn – you're having an episode, or something, you're binge-watching a Netflix show – and you leave the room to go and prepare a small meal, and 30 minutes later you walk back into the room and you are like, 'well good goddamn does it smell of sad person in here'? Well imagine that, but 100% of the time, no amount of opening the window and Febreze-ing the soft furnishings will ever get that out, one month of four dudes laughing and wanking in this room will essentially condemn the entire building because there's no way you're getting that smell out, that smell is getting in the bricks—

But is £300 not a fine price to pay for rented accommodation in London? Yes, totally, and actually I think if the advert was way up front about it – 'I will subsidise your rent if I can sleep in your room in a bunkbed beneath you and occasionally watch you jack' – then the process of finding housemates to all sleep in this Tooting dorm would actually be a lot simpler, although would maybe defy a little of the crackling under-the-surface homoeroticism this is clearly trying to create, so actually, I haven't thought this through. God, actually. You can really see the logistical difficulty in designing a situation where you can watch three straight dudes wank.

How messed up is London when the prospect of paying £300 a month to toss it in a room with three strangers is actually not even the worst rental opportunity currently on offer in the city? Totally fucko!

@joelgolby

More from this cheery series:

A Bed in a Kitchen in Euston!

A Windowless Prison in Brixton!

It Finally Happened, a Space Literally Described as a 'Harry Potter Room'!