England's Answer to Disneyland Will Be Built in a Landfill Site in Kent

It's going to cost £2 billion to build and will probably have a Wallace and Gromit ride.

by Carlton Férment
25 April 2016, 10:28am

Disneyland (Photo by Javier Ignacio Acuña Ditzel, via)

If you thought Kuwait was only good for oil, oppressive DNA laws and having one of the highest valued currencies in the world, think again. Thanks to the Kuwaiti Al-Humaidi family, England is getting a very special, very magical gift. That's right, friends: Kent is about to have its very own theme park. Aren't you excited?

It's to be called The London Paramount Entertainment Resort, which sounds like the sort of vague, anonymous name you'd give a theme park if your real aim was to sell drugs out of it (DISCLAIMER: the Al-Humaidi family do not intend to sell drugs and/or launder drug money out of their magical new theme park). Work on the park is set to begin in 2018, it's to be built in a landfill site in Swanscombe and it will reportedly bring 27,000 jobs to the area.

The people in charge of building it, London Resort Company Holdings (another highly, highly suspicious name), are optimistically estimating that the park could potentially bring in 50,000 people per day, due to its close transport links to the capital.

Priced at £2 billion, the site will cost a pretty penny, and will supposedly feature attractions from Aardman films, BBC Worldwide franchises and Paramount Pictures. So that's more than likely going to be a Wallace and Gromit ride, a Doctor Who ride and a Paramount movie ride. My money is on some kind of 4D Titanic simulator.

In February, embarrassment ensued after the totally real London Resort Company Holdings overestimated its cash assets by about £289,000. However, CFO of the company, Fenlon Dunphy, a real man with a real name, claims that this will have no bearing on the building process. "The accounting error is just that: an erroneous timing error that was corrected," he said. "It does not impact the overall spend on the project."

People are also worrying about the sleepy Home Counties town of Sevenoaks not having enough accommodation to handle the large influx of tourists this park will bring. Though, to be fair, they have until at least 2021 to get down to IKEA and put some beds together, and frankly, if they can't manage that then they don't deserve to be in business.

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