Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.
PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #15: HOW TO MAKE YOUR CRUSH CRUSH ON YOU, TOO
Happy weekday, friends. Instead of dunking your heads once again into the dark and terrifying world of male pick-up techniques, I thought perhaps this week it was time we took a swim in, uhm, lady-waters *grimace*. Yes, sorry ladies but we’re absolutely not exempt from being creepy sex creeps (although, well, we sort of are because loads of these websites are run by men anyway). Need advice on how to bag a man without scaring him off with your durbrain thoughts and disgusting lack of culinary skills? Don’t we all, sister?
Predictably, while the sites aimed at men are brimming with the promise of "SEX. NOW. MORE SEX. EVEN MORE NOW," the female versions are more interested in a sort of lure, catch, kill mentality. Basically, according to dating freaks on the internet, while all men want to be balls-deep in a 17-year-old Brazilian gymnast 24/7, all women are rabidly chomping at the Swarovski-encrusted marital bit. Bit dated, maybs. I read up on the advice of Christian Carter, king of the virgin nerds and pedaller of e-Books to insecure women at his site, “CATCH HIM KEEP HIM”. His caps, not mine.
Catch Him Keep Him Dating Tip #1: You're a Jerk
Christian reckons that if you get blown off after a one-night stand with a guy, the reason is not that you were unfortunate enough to happen upon the Colin Farrell of your extended social circle. The reason is, in fact, that YOU did something so embarrassingly wrong he was forced to exile you from his life forever, possible leaving the country to avoid further contact, and almost certainly changing his name, address and, DUH, phone number.
PBG says: Obviously it’s stupid to say you didn’t do anything wrong in this situation when for all I know he might have stumbled upon a stash of ex-boyfriends' thumbs, but honestly, I’m pretty sure you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes you have sex with a guy and it’s so excruciatingly awkward that even thinking about it makes you cringe for months after. Can’t be helped. If you like him and he doesn’t text you back, don’t scroll through 42 pages of people on Facebook called Ben Jones until you find him. Just delete his number, pretend to move on and hope to bump into him two weeks later looking fly as fuck. EASY.
Catch Him Keep Him Dating Tip #2: Great Guys Are Like Dodos
E.g. fucking impossible to find. And once you do find one, Carter is quick to warn about how easily you can unintentionally fuck up your entire relationship by being a silly woman and not sufficiently “driving him wild”. Apparently the most dangerous part of dying a lonely spinster occurs after you’ve met "GREAT GUY" and are too stupid to know how to make a "lasting connection".
PGB says: First of all, what is a "lasting connection"? According to Carter, you can date a guy for over 12 months without it even being a relationship, so for all we know a lasting connection could mean anything from getting his number to kicking out his wife and kids and moving on in. Without wanting to state the obvious, a relationship can last any given amount of time given the amount of work you put in and the percentage of psycho you both are. As for driving him wild, just laugh at him and then touch his arm. Works every time.
Catch Him Keep Him Dating Tip #3: 'Insecurity Alert!'
As a confident successful woman, you may be confused as to why you have been finding it difficult to find a "GREAT GUY" recently. This is probably due to one schoolboy error you’ve been making when talking to men. Ugh, so obvious. Look, you should just never, ever, ever talk about your past. Showing that you have past experiences flags up an "emotional baggage" signal which in turn generates feelings of fear and loathing (fuck you Hunter, I’m having it this time). To be safe, avoid talking about yourself at all. Instead ask him to describe in detail all the different kinds of beer he’s ever tasted. Then lie back and think of GREATness.
PGB says: Is it just me, or do boys freaking love it when you go all misty-eyed and start talking in low tones about "feelings". Complaining for hours about how hard your life is while pouting and stabbing at your new iPad probably isn’t a great look if you’ve just met someone, but a bit of honesty here and there is actually really crucial in building a relationship of trust between two people. For the record, Carter’s totally right when he says trash-talking other women or past boyfriends isn’t a great look, but I’m so sure you’re way too busy ordering another Jaegerbomb for that to even cross your mind.
My advice to you would be don’t do what Christian Carter says. What kind of dating advice are you going to take from some needy guy who blows up your inbox five times a day asking for money, anyway? (Ahem. No scrubs.) Anyway, here instead are three of my tried and tested Pretty Girl dating tips. Use at your peril.
PGB Dating Tip #1: The Three-Point-Look Test
An old classic. Look at your victim, look away and look back (with added smirk/smoulder if you wish). If they’re still looking, you’re invited to a snog party. If not, definitely wave to an imaginary person standing in that corner of the room and then pretend you got a text.
PGB Dating Tip #2: The ALL CAPS Text
Don’t ask me why, but I’ve always sworn that if you text someone their full name in capital letters (and NOTHING else), they’ll fall in love with you. Is that weird? Don’t abuse this though, it has to be the first text you ever send them, and there has to be sufficient chemistry for it not to just be downright odd.
PGB Dating Tip #3: Wish, Hope and Pray
Because it’s fun, and it’s really fun to have crushes on people, and being really desperate for them to crush on you back is adorable. Make Through Being Cool your ringtone, and embrace the fear of rejection. After all, without excruciating pain, life would be reduced to the status of Mr. Hudson on the front row at Men’s Fashion Week. Really fucking arbitrary.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @BertieBrandes