Oct 2 2008, 1:09am

We hope you've been enjoying our foray down the nauseating bunnyhole of Japanese Eel Porn on VBS. Here's a quick Q&A with host Shane Smith on the manifold sexual weirdities of Tokyo's red light district...

Vice: Besides the creepy little bar with the old gay dude I thought was a woman, where else did you go in Kabukicho?
One of the first places we went was to an amazing S&M club. The guy who runs the place is like 80 years old and he does a show where he puts a red lash thing around his balls and uses a pulley system to hoist himself up to the ceiling and lower himself back down. The whole time he's saying "Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset."

That's awesome.
At one point one of the old guys who worked there lay down and opened his mouth, and one of the girls we were with--just a regular girl we'd been hanging out with--went over, pulled her pants down, and started pissing in his mouth. We're just sitting there having drinks while geriatrics are being pulled to the roof by their balls and girls are pissing in their mouths. It was like a combination of circus sideshow and Christmas with the family. It was incredibly odd.

Did you guys go to any of the orgy clubs you mentioned?
We tried to get into an orgy club, but they only let in Eddy because we had too many guys. You have to bring girls with you, just like a shitty nightclub here.

What about the "companion bars"?
We went to a bunch of companion bars, which have the most beautiful women on Earth. It's surprising how many companion bars you see. There are literally thousands and thousands of them, and it's such a Japanese concept it's hard to wrap your mind around. You go there and the girl pours your drink and laughs at your jokes and that's it. Japanese businessmen take other businessmen there, so the more expensive the place, the better face you get. The real high-end ones though, are the places where they have Westerners as companions. There you've just got Western girls doing the same thing: pouring drinks, laughing at jokes. The thing is, most of them don't speak Japanese and none of the guys speak their language, so nobody understands each other. They're basically paying $5,000 to have a white girl pour them drinks.

The most amazing thing I saw though were the companion bars for females. The companions all look like members of Japanese boy bands, and the old ladies come and sit in these garish boudoirs while one boy pets their dog and another boy pours them drinks and listens to them complain about their husbands. Then when they get paid, the boys go across the street to the female companion bars and spend all their money hanging out with them. You're sitting there thinking "Why would they ever do that? That's insane." But they're encouraged to do that by the Yakuza so the money never leaves Kabukicho.

What do you think of the explanation that they don't let white guys in because of the size of their dinks? Is that just a line?
Well, they say it's because we have big dicks, but it's also because they're afraid that white people will rat them out. They know that Japanese people won't go around talking about it. They're also worried about diseases. Japanese by and large have no diseases because they're really conscientious. It's really, really difficult to get into Japanese whorehouses unless you have a Japanese buddy who can get you in.

Were you guys able to get in?
We were, because of our contacts there. In most of the whorehouses, you can't fuck them, you can only get blowjobs. They've got a wall with pictures of all the girls. You pick your girl, then they ask you, "Do you want her blindfolded? Do you want her tied up? Do you want her in a schoolgirl's uniform or a nurse's uniform? Do you want her submissive? Do you want her aggressive?" You fill out a card like a sushi menu and then when you get to the room it's all ready for you.

What about regular strip joints, are there a lot of those?
It's funny, there's not a lot of strip clubs in Japan, but there are lots and lots of S&M clubs and fetish clubs. Everything is very niche. They've got clubs that look like you're in the subway and places that look like you're in a classroom. Stripping is just a girl takes her clothes off and now she's naked. It's like kindergarten to them Their spectrum of sex is like a million times the size of ours.

What's the worst thing you saw in Kabukicho?
I went into a bar in Kabukicho after going to all these sex clubs. It looked like it was just a normal bar, and I'm like "Oh, finally I'm somewhere sane." I'm having my drink and I notice people are looking up a lot, so I look up and the whole ceiling is made of glass. Every couple of minutes a naked girl will walk out, squat down, and lay a perfectly coiled shit on the ceiling. Then she leaves, a guy comes out and cleans it up, and the next girl comes out. I found out that the reason the girls can shit these perfect coils is they spend the entire week before they're on eating almonds, so it'll give their shit the right consistency. I'm not big into shit to begin with, but to take it to such an extreme where you're altering your diet to make your shit look right, that is fucking crazy.

Vice Channels