Noisey 2017

117 Good Things That Happened in 2017

This year was terrible, but here is a collection of the objectively good things that happened.

by Noisey Staff
18 December 2017, 9:23am

Illustration: Alex Gamsu Jenkins  

This article originally appeared on Noisey US.

2017 might’ve been the worst year in modern history. You didn't need us to tell you that. But if you’re holding out hope that things will turn around next year, we have some bad news for you: they won’t. 2018 will be much, much worse. In fact, we’ve set ourselves up for one epically bad year after another with no foreseeable end. So the only thing you can do to endure the increasingly nightmarish world we live in is to enjoy the everloving hell out of the few, fleeting good moments that happen in between waves of shit. Here’s a list of 117 objectively good things that happened in 2017. Hold them close to you. Let the good vibes they give off fuse with your DNA and keep you sedated through the Hellworld we inhabit.

When Ryan Adams Went Off on Father John Misty and the Strokes Dude on Twitter

Joey Bada$$ Staring at the Eclipse so Hard He Had to Cancel His Shows

Honestly, not a good thing for him but a cautionary tale for the rest of us: The sun is not a toy.

This Guy Whose Stomach Looked Like Woody Harrelson

A Near Endless Supply of Richard Spencer Nazi Punch Remixes

The Guy from Star Wars Saying He Doesn’t Know What Emo Is

The Kids Who Ruined Their Dad’s TV Appearance

This Fuckin Guy

Bill O’Reilly Getting Fired for Being a Pervy Ballbag

We Finally Learned What Mario’s Dick Looks Like

TW: Mario’s dong

This Is Where I Recorded and Mixed the Album and All the Gear I Used

This Desus & Mero Segment About Wheel of Fortune

“On-the-spot dicespin.”

The First Five Minutes of Baby Driver

People Paying $4,000 to Go to Fyre Festival and Getting Exactly What They Deserved

When That Annoying Twitter Chode Accidentally Tweeted About Tentacle Porn

That Scene in the Ric Flair 30 for 30 Where He Estimates That He’s Slept with 10,000 Women

When Noisey Hit 420,000 Twitter Followers on 4/20

Lena Dunham’s Dog

Dogs in General, Honestly

When Mutoid Man and Miny from Royal Thunder Covered Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Princess Nokia Throwing Soup on the Drunk Racist

The Young Thug Music Video That Got Made Even Though Young Thug Didn’t Bother to Show Up

Larry King Vaping

Brad Pitt Vaping

Ten Straight Hours of Jimmy Barnes Screaming

The Person Who Peeled a Potato at Liam Gallagher’s Concert

DMX Releasing an Official Version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

This Skate Video

The Repeated Public Owning of Silicon Valley Dipshits Trying to Pass Things Like Juicers and Bodegas Off as New Inventions

The Hero Who Fixed the Hollywood Sign

Bo Dietl Humiliating Himself for an Entire Election Season and Still Getting Less Than One Percent of the Vote

Rage Against the Machine but with Owen Wilson Saying “Wow” Instead of a Wah Pedal

The Guy Who Made an Art Exhibit Out of “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Chris Christie Getting Owned by Beach Memes

Chris Christie Getting Owned by Callers While Filling in for Mike Francesa

Chris Christie Getting Owned by a Cubs Fan

The Episode of Our Month-long Drake Podcast Where We Just Played People’s Voicemails About Drake

This Video

Carly Rae Jepsen’s Gradual Transformation into the Waitress from Always Sunny

The Warped Tour Ending

This Onion Article

Martin Shkrelboy Going to Jail

The Snapchat Hot Dog (RIP)

The Glorious Ten Days When The Mooch Was the White House Communications Director and Managed to Make “Sucking My Own Dick” Part of National Conversation

“Goop on Ya Grinch”

This Season Finale of Nathan For You

The Sweet Irony of Danica Roem Taking a Transphobe’s Job

Michael McDonald Dueting with Thundercat

Yacht rock is back, baby!

Roger Ailes Dying While (Possibly) on the Toilet


Chelsea Manning Joining Twitter

Danny Brown Getting into Mount Eerie

The Incredibly Angry Description Alvarius B Wrote for His New Album

“By deciding to write my own album promos, I can perform some market research. For example, this album description text will undoubtedly be copy/pasted by most online retailers onto their respective sites because they don't write their own new album reviews or get too excited about music, they simply want to create the illusion that they're in business to sell records. So I could put something like: Fuck all website retailers that copy/paste this description onto their site because they are too fucking cheap, lazy or chicken shit to have an opinion to write individual album reviews – and they probably wouldn't even notice while doing it. Anyway, back to my new album. These songs are pretty good, most likely way better than your songs, and I don't even have time to be a real songwriter, so what does that say about you?”

The Christiano Ronaldo Statue

“Call Me Crunk but I’m Crazy!”

(This is just something we started saying around the office but you’re welcome to try it on as well.)

Bella Hadid’s Dope, Fresh, Dope, Freshin’ Dope Sneaker Shopping

Nicki Minaj Taking Off for Prague

PUP’s Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Music Video

ThE MoCkInG SpOnGeBob MemE

ThE NeW TaYlOr SwIfT AlBuM

The Oscar Going to La La Land by Mistake

Gene Simmons Getting Permanently Banned from Fox News

The Dog Named “Featuring Ludacris” on Big Mouth

Every Migos Video, Pretty Much

Marshmello Playing at the Indy 500

This Hero Teen’s Quest to Get Weezer to Cover Toto’s “Africa”

Bud Light Lime Pomegranate-rita

The Host of HQ Saying He's "Done His Research" on Eating Ass on Waypoint's Podcast

Drake’s Bar Mitzvah Birthday Party

Cardi B Being on Every Magazine Cover

“This Is the Future That Liberals Want”

Kid Rock Not Running for Senate to Spend More Time Being a Piece of Shit

The Jogging Pooper Terrorising Her Neighborhood with Her Mega-Huge Craps

Galaxy Brain

The Mask Off Challenge

We’re Required to Mention Game of Thrones at Least Once so Here, Nerds, We Did It

Cracking Open a Cold One with the Boys


Dolly Parton Still Being Alive

Travis Scott Falling in the Hole

The Security Robot That Drowned Itself

No Nuclear War! (Yet)

That Kevin James Show Straight Killing Off the Wife to Bring in Leah Remini


Tomi Lahren Getting Fired and Wale Ruining Her Name for Life

This Fellow

Gucci Mane Cutting His $75k Wedding Cake with a Sword

Tom Delonge’s Space Academy

Flat Earther Memes

(Pro or con, we like ‘em all!)

Bo Bice Crying About Popeye’s

“I Love This Woman and Her Curvy Body”

Ted Cruz Cranking His Hog to @SexuallPosts

Nautical Realism Making a Comeback

Frank Ocean’s Panorama T-shirt

None of the Rick and Morty Nerds Getting Szechuan Sauce

Penis Hernandez

Yahoo! Finance’s N-Word Navy Tweet


Playboi Carti Mixing Two Soups Together

If anyone knows what kind of soups hit us up because we have thoughts.

The Cabaret Law Being Repealed

The Diddy Crop

Baked Alaska Getting Banned from Twitter

Oh, and also pepper spraying himself and needing milk.

Jonah Hill Cosplaying as Post Malone

Tw1tter Picasso’s Account

The Story of Dan Nainan, the Millennial Comedian Who Is Actually 55 Years Old

This Woman’s Pickle ASMR Channel

Chillout Man

“Mans Not Hot” Making Our Songs of the Year List

Reince Priebus Getting Fired While Golfing

The “Take a Knee, My Ass” Song, Which Sucks Many a Huge Butt

The VICE Equipment Room Staff Naming The Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds the Best Album of All Time

Maxine Waters Reclaiming Her Time

Mariah Carey Suing Her Ex for $10 Million for Wasting Her Time

The Black Panther Trailer

All of America Looking at Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 Movie and Collectively Saying FOHHH

Lady Bird’s Use of Dave Matthews Band

The Last 60 Seconds of Charly Bliss' Cover of "Steal My Sunshine"

Two of R. Kelly’s Houses Getting Robbed

Sean Astin in Stranger Things 2

Follow Noisey on Twitter.

good things
objectively good things