Why Doesn't Britain Join the African Union?

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Barely have we washed away the image of John Major and Edwina Curry getting it on, when we are confronted by another nauseating political conjoining: Peter Mandelson and Ken Clarke. Lord Mandelson and Clarke have hooked up to co-chair something called the Centre for British Influence through Europe or, for short, the British Influence group (BIG).

The BIG-ies have come together to scare little children and voters about the Terrible Things that will befall Britons should the UK vote to escape from the European Union.

These are the same Terrible Things that the same BIGs said would befall Britain if it did not adopt the Euro. (There was some truth in that: Since Britain failed to join the Euro, Jimmy Saville was exposed as a sicko and Mel B revealed that Victoria Beckham just can’t dance – something we all knew but were sworn not to mention.)

Lord Mandelson and Mr Clarke do not expect us to take their word for it alone that England’s exiting the EU would hasten The Apocalypse. Mandy and Ken have enlisted a panel of nearly-as-BIGs, mostly corporate lobbyists-turned-Lords, featuring Baron Liddle. I knew the baron as “Roger Liddle” when I was undercover for the Guardian way back in 1998. The future lord offered to take me into 10 Downing Street where he was top advisor to Mandelson and Blair. Liddle promised me that Mandy and Blair would take care of my “client” (I pretended to represent Enron). All I had to do was hire Liddle’s former partner, Mandelson crony Dolly Draper, for £5,000 a month.

(The not-yet-Baron later claimed he was stone drunk when he made me the untoward offer. I will not libel him by suggesting he was ever sober. And I offer no opinion on his blood-alcohol ratio in his signing on to the BIG proposition that freeing the nation of the EU is “isolationism”.)

Look, I don’t like isolation any more than the next man. But there’s no reason why, by leaving Angela Merkel’s Reichskolonie, Britain has to stay isolated and lonely. The UK has several better options. For example, why not…

Join the African Union. By joining the AU, Britain could once again top the league tables in life expectancy, national income per capita, child obesity and percentage of households with televisions (UK 99 percent vs Democratic Republic of Congo, 1.69 percent). Joining the AU would have the advantage of offloading football hooligans and BNP members into the African peacekeeping forces, where their talents would be appreciated.

Become the 51st State. Why not complete Tony Blair’s “project” and unite with the United States? (I'm one American who believes it was a mistake to declare our independence from Britain. I thought it was just wrong to leave our British brothers under the control of German King George and a bunch of Morris dancers.)

Join the USA and you’ll get a written Bill of Rights and enough Walmarts to guarantee you a store-gasm. And Britain could become America's first state to allow black people to vote unhindered.

By finally declaring itself an American State, Britain would help fill the gap that would result from the success of my campaign to reverse Abraham Lincoln’s regrettable decision to prevent the Confederate states from leaving the Union. (I’ve calculated that, merely by shedding Louisiana and Mississippi, America's average IQ would rise by a quarter percentage point and lower the average weight of an American by half a stone.)

Or join the Bolivarian Union founded by Hugo Chávez. These are nations that, unlike Britain, have found a way to declare their independence from the United States. By signing up with the Bolivarians, Britain would be joining the likes of Bolivia and Ecuador, the Robin Thickes of economic expansion, while no longer having to dance with France, Italy and other geo-political Spice Girls.

Join CariCom, the Caribbean economic union. This would be a quick way for Britain to improve its weather, its food and gain a much better-looking gene pool.

Or become a province of China. Instantly, Britain would again become a world leader and an exporting powerhouse – transformed by the white heat of stolen technology.

Or, best yet, join The Federation. You know, from Star Trek. What better way to take charge of the future than to go where no man has gone before? Imagine: Starship Britain!

I realise that the Star Trek Federation is pure science fiction, but no more so than the Euro, Cameron’s Big Society, successful austerity programmes or Peter Mandelson’s inexplicably high regard for his own visionary influence.

Greg Palast is an economist-turned-investigative reporter. His inside story of the creation of the Euro can be found in “The Generalissimo of Globalization” chapter of his book, Vultures' Picnic (Constable Robinson, 2011).

Follow Greg on Twitter: @Greg_Palast

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