Mandatory High Heels and Hating Your Body

A weekly roundup of anything fashion-related that's made us excited about having bodies that we can dress with clothes.

GET THE BLUE EYES YOU PROBABLY ONCE DREAMED OF

If you’re a poor and inferior brown-eyed person and unhappy with your dark and mysterious corneas, you’re in luck. Today we came across a procedure which promises that, beneath all brown-eyed boys and girls, lies an original blue pigment, and it's possible to surgically alter your eyes so eventually you end up with the dreamy blues you’ve always wanted.

I can’t say outright that this is a ridiculous thing to want because I have now and then cursed whatever recessive gene caused my two blue-eyed parents to hand me a boring shade of grey (not mysterious grey, not even "gray", just grey), but if anyone told me they were legitimately considering this surgery I’d have to take them aside and have a word. The surgery comes in at around £3,000 PER EYE and takes a mere 20 seconds, apparently altering the cells that produce the brown pigment, causing them to fade to blue over the coming weeks. The grass might be greener on the other side, and we will always strive for things we don’t have. But please guys, you’re all beautiful. Winona has brown eyes, ya know?

VOGUE LAUNCHES MISS VOGUE

Miss Vogue, June 2013

Finally, I can stop pretending I don't miss Mizz and get my fix of ridiculously up-beat bright, slightly trashy fashion and life advice from other places than Yahoo! Answers (it's not good advice, guys). Today the powers that be at Vogue have launched their sister magazine, a Teen Vogue for grumpy British girls, called Miss Vogue which boasts shoots styled by all-time best styled ever Fran Burns, and interviews with teenagers all over the world about how best to get secretly wasted on the weekend.

Okay, maybe not wasted, but come on people, read between the lines. Judging from what I can find on Instagram, there are hair profiles from Bleach, the 21 most stylish girls under 21 and a whole bunch of affordable fashion ideas which even I, as a 23-year-old "woman" (kidding), can benefit from. Finally.

HIGH HEELS > EDUCATION

Photo via

I would’ve given anything to be able to wear a pair of those weird, chunky Kickers penny loafers to school as a gangly, flare-wearing uniformed grammar school student. To be honest, I’d be surprised if you don’t also still trawl eBay for a grownup sized pair to this day. That’s why it’s with a strange mixture of disgust and envy that we share news of a university in Tajikistan that has recently mandated all female students wear high-heels. This created a media storm in the Central-Asian nation when a journalist, while attempting to interview some of the girls, was swiftly escorted to local jail. The head of the university Abdujabbor Rahmonov had accused her of “taking photographs of him without his permission”. It sounds like the poor guy has an attention-seeking complex. Despite him being pretty blasé about appearing sexist, old fashioned and insane, I still hope there are some girls secretly high-fiving each other and strutting those corridors like only Rose McGowan ever could. No, but it’s really sexist. Sorry.

VIVIENNE WESTWOOD RE-DESIGNED THE VIRGIN UNIFORMS

And finally, some actual fashion news. Vivienne Westwood has teamed up with literally everyone's bessie m8 Richard Branson to redesign the outfits for all of his stupidly friendly smiley staff to wear on Virgin Airlines. What this has to do with saving the environment I'm not sure, but Vivienne reckons "Richard Branson has really good motives for everything he does." Oh sure, of course, because Branson, who founded and still runs the multi-billion dollar commercial airline, is totally clued up to recycling and shit. I mean, he wants his private island to be plastic free, don't you know? The outfits, to be made from recycled fabrics, will obviously look amazing and make me cry with envy into my holey tights, but coming from somebody who likes to end her catwalk shows with huge banners screaming CLIMATE CHANGE, I'm actually a bit disappointed. Blow it off Vivienne, you totally don't need him.

Thumbnail image via.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously – Atlanta Strippers Do it Better