Poor old Karl McCartney MP got hacked last week. What the hacker did – and this is an unusual hack, and not one I've ever seen before – is they hacked into his Twitter account, spent months favouriting some incredibly boring tweets about day-to-day Conservative affairs, and then – in a wild zig from the usual zag – favourited a picture of a naked lady tied by her ankles and her wrists to a bed, legs splayed, face covered by a pillow. NOT COOL, HACKERS.
Karl McCartney MP unfavourited the tweet when it was flagged up to him, laying into Twitter in the process: "Took time 2 reassess @twitter following security changes," he said. "Followers know I tweet or retweet & don't use fav button.Thx to all who notified me". He then issued a statement, saying: "I am writing today to Twitter to express my concern that six months from a General Election the security of Twitter accounts needs to be able to stand up to any malicious and salacious attempts to embarrass the account holder, I will await their reply with interest."
Yeah, looking forward to you finding that hacker, Twitter! The hacker that definitely exists!
Anyway, this made me think. And then immediately go through pretty much every MP's favourites to see what I could find. There was more sex stuff. There was a lot of cricket. There was David Rutley MP, going absolutely mental for the Macclesfield Silk Museum ("Promoting our proud silk heritage is a priority" – David Rutley, MP). There was something quite quaint and amusing in their mediocrity. A number of our MPs are just really basic bitches. They are not just suits with crooked reptilian heads on top, guys! They have hearts and souls and hobbies and interests and they are really into silk.
Let's take a party-by-party look at the political landscape of Britain, as told through Twitter favourites.
THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY
Neil Carmichael, MP for Stroud
Interested in: Fit girls
Looks like Neil Carmichael will be lighting up the beaches of Stroud with his banging bikini bod come July. (Do they have beaches in Stroud?) ( link)
Oh, Neil. ( link)
John Randall, MP for Uxbridge & South Ruislip
Interested in: Duck-shaped tomatoes
"Kate!" John Randall is saying. "Kate!" (His wife's name is Kate.) "Kate, you've got to come through here and see this." He's paused Top Gear on the DVR especially. He's got the laptop perched on his stomach and – why not, it's Saturday – a warm glass of ale on a coaster on the carpet. "Kate, look at this tomato!" He's red in the face from laughing. "Oh god. What are the kids' emails, again? I've got to forward them this." (link)
David Davies, MP for Monmouth
Interested in: Phoneboxes
Here's David Davies opening a phonebox with the kind of braggadocio that Hulk Hogan would barely have gotten away with in his pomp. ( link)
George Osborne, Chancellor and MP for Tatton
Interested in: State funerals
For some reason, I imagine George Osborne really solemnly favouriting this while thinking the word 'respect'. ( link)
Henry Smith, MP for Crawley
Interested in: Robert Pattinson's new haircut
"Look at the state of it! Look at the state of that!" said Henry Smith MP, probably. "It looks like one of them new vaginas!" ( link)
Alistair Burt, MP for North East Bedfordshire
Interested in: Egyptian football graffiti
Also, apparently, he's really into creepy German mannequins. Alistair Burt u ok mate? ( link)
Maria Miller, Former Culture Secretary and MP for Basingstoke
Interested in: Er, being abused on the internet?
I sort of get the feeling Maria Miller read the first half of this tweet and thought, 'Yes, they get me. Finally someone gets me,' and then just left it at that. ( link)
THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS
Mike Thornton, MP for Eastleigh
Interested in: Kittens
Your boy Mike Thornton is holding that kitten in a pose that's halfway between a Bond villain and Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Very "vote for me or I'll crush the fucker" vibes. (link)
John Pugh, MP for Southport
There's a chance John Pugh thought Becca Clegg was some relation of Nick's and that vital information about her hot tub deflowering would come in handy come cabinet reshuffle time but: nope, it's just some girl with a hot tub. Judging by the rest of the material on the @BanterRumours Twitter page, probably some girl who is currently studying for her GCSEs. ( link)
Adrian Sanders, MP for Torbay
Interested in: Veganism
I like to imagine the entire afternoon Adrian Sanders lost to trying to get his wireless printer to work just so he could take this. ( link)
Mark Williams, MP for Ceredigion
Interested in: Rivers
I like to imagine Mark Williams saving this website about Welsh rivers for a trouserless Sunday afternoon while his wife's out visiting her sister. 'Just me, half a packet of Fox's Ambers, and some top quality online resources about rivers.' ( link)
Vince Cable, MP for Twickenham
Interested in: The latency and general upkeep of library wi-fi
Vince Cable definitely did an air punch after hearing this news. ( link)
Paul Burstow, MP for Sutton and Cheam
Interested in: Following his own dog on Twitter
"Don't call me 'mistress' in bed, Paul. You know it freaks me out when you talk like you're the dog." ( link)
Duncan Hames, MP for Chippenham
Interested in: Pulling ruddy pints
"Can I pull one?" Duncan Hames has skipped two meetings for this photo opp. He's like a kid at Christmas, look. "Can I? Can I pull a pint?" The landlord takes three keys out and undoes the bar gate. "Ah, ahahaha!" Duncan's squealing. ( link)
Douglas Carswell, MP for Clacton
Interested in: Charlie's Angels, still
I just extremely get the feeling that Douglas Carswell used to have this poster on his wall as a kid and used to kiss it full tongues each night before he went to bed. ( link)
David Coburn, MEP for Scotland
Interested in: Scotland
David Coburn came here to chew gum and look at ripplingly muscular men all pissing together in kilts. And he's all out of gum.(link)
THE LABOUR PARTY
Jon Cruddas, MP for Dagenham
Interested in: Firm handshakes with tiny mascots
Oh, nothing much, just a quite harrowing photo of Jon Cruddas shaking hands with a stuffed bear as it stares unblinkingly into the abyss. ( link)
Michael McCann, MP for East Kilbride
Interested in: Crap lookalikes
To be fair to Michael McCann that kid on the right does look more like Willem Dafoe starring in a poster campaign to warn kids about the dangers of crack, so yeah, that's a funny news story worth keeping for a lonely chuckle on a rainy day. ( link)
Gerry Sutcliffe, MP for Bradford South
Interested in: Men running
Gerry Sutcliffe only has one favourite and it's a video of a rugby player running really fast. That's it. How many times has Gerry Sutcliffe watched this video of a rugby player running really fast? It's impossible to know. But I'm going with: hundreds.
Vernon Coaker, MP for Gedling
Interested in: Alternative models
Yeah. In among all the boring tweets of him opening a library or #votelabour propaganda, there's this little photoset of alt model Miss Layercake, which was apparently taken in the toilet of a kebab house I frequent on the regs.
Hashtag bootypop, Vernon Coaker. Hashtag bootypop. ( link)
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
Either a) there are a lot of hackers about or b) politicians are humans too, humans with very real and raw feelings about swimming pools, humans that – despite their public responsibilities – remain vital and aflame sexual beings, and the primal lust that dwells inside of their bodies seeps out the edges like water out of a sponge sometimes, and they get really horned up and fav some alt porn.
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