These Stupid Internet Beauty Products Might Help You Get Laid

Vagina-coloured lipstick, a disappearing bra and a mouth-stretcher.

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Jul 11 2014, 6:00am

I'm not sure about you, but I’m one of those women who has been socially conditioned to need all men to find me attractive, all of the time, as though without their lust I'd dwindle away to nothing but a pair of tiny, unloved breasts. But this dating game is tough. You’d think a slutty backless dress and a nose full of Dutch courage would be enough to get me laid, but in the age of porn and Tinder, sometimes it feels like I’m just not sexy or easy enough :(

Thankfully, there are some hard-working people out there who’ve designed a bunch of products to make women irresistible to men. Things like labia dye, stupid disappearing plastic bras and – wait for it – mouth-stretching devices are all a part of our world now, and even better, they're all available at the click of a mouse.

Here are some of the dumbest beauty products, and things in general, that I've been able to find on the internet. Are these absurd products really what women need to feel beautiful? To find out, we've created a poll, where you can vote for me to trial one of these products myself for a whole week.

"ESSENCE OF A WOMAN" PHEROMONE PERFUME

Photo by the author

Pheromone parties have been making the news for so long now even Evening Standard readers must be sick to fucking death of them, so chances are you've read all about these odourless chemicals that supposedly do wonders for your pulling potential. BUT did you know that you can also buy them? For real? On the internet? THANKS, TECHNOLOGY!

I went for the sensually titled Essence of a Woman. Aside from kind of sounding like that movie, Scent of a Woman, where Al Pacino is blind and goes round nose-fucking chicks, Essence of a Woman is a copulin (sex pheromone) fragrance designed to make you smell like an ovulating vagina. 

By some cruel twist of irony, the only downside to the pheromones was their actual scent. They smelt disgusting and kind of like baby sick. They smelt so bad that one of my friends had to leave the room, retching. I shit you not, they were so horrendously awful that they immediately began to repel people rather than attract them. Finally, after about ten minutes, the piss and the sick and the ovulating vagina and the broken dreams dried down to a mild parmesan musk.

So, if "mild parmesan musk" is something that you wanna smell like, and if you're willing to pay £50 to smell like it, I guess this is the fragrance of your dreams.


THE "BYE BRA"

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I’m all for sticking things onto myself in the name of unrealistic beauty standards but I didn’t have high hopes for what was essentially double-sided sticky tape attempting to hold my boobs up. Also, nipple covers? I’ve been known to accessorise with a nipple. Sometimes you just can’t beat a couple of cold ones when it comes to screaming “I might have sex with you in a cupboard!” or, “I’m probably French!"

The deceptive photoshopped images of the before and after photos on the box didn’t get Bye Bra off to a great start, and by the time I’d awkwardly stuck it on, it definitely wasn’t in my good books. To hand it to the inventors, the adhesive tape did instantly give me a boob lift and it did stay on for a good while, but what Bye Bra giveth in zero-gravity, it taketh away in the aesthetic stakes. Simply put: It didn't really disappear. I don’t actually think I’ve seen a pair of boobs look so much like two pieces of miscellaneous meat wrapped in cling film before.

I guess the whole point is to wear the Bye Bra with higher necked, backless styles but I feel like we all threw our American Apparel bodysuits out three years ago, right? I mean… maybe someone, somewhere would be totally excited to move their nipples a few centimetres higher, but getting women to stick their skin together in the name of "self-esteem" is just all parts shady and wrong. I don't want to sound overly critical but I’m pretty sure these would have got burnt alongside all the other bras back in 1968 and everyone would have choked on the fumes and died.




VAGINA-COLOURED LIPSTICK

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According to evolutionary theorists, and women's magazine urban legends, the most flattering lip colour for a lady is one that matches her, err, other set of lips.

Going commando and straddling the stands at MAC didn’t quite seem like a viable option, so instead I pioneered a totally legit Dulux-style colour-matching technique that involves computers and doesn’t involve complete public humiliation. I simply compared my vagina colour to a paint chart I picked up at Wickes, then held up my paint chart to an internet inventory of lipsticks, before deciding on MAC’s aptly named Modesty – a "muted, neutral pink". It didn’t exactly sound inspirational; the boring Switzerland of vaginas. But to give those vagina-lipstick theorists some credit, the colour turned out to be incredibly flattering and I smeared my Modesty all over my face. I was a vagina siren blazing into the night.

P.S. I’m super sorry if you thought there was going to be a picture of my VJJ, but you get to see the exact shade and isn't that more exciting, somehow? If you want a vagina-coloured lipstick, or a vagina-coloured house, visit www.dulux.co.uk/app


"MY NEW PINK BUTTON" LABIA DYE

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How many times has someone been about to go down on you and then exclaimed, suddenly, "Uggh, this vagina is way too pale! I've changed my mind"? Probably about as many times as you've thought, 'I know, I'm going to change the hue of my vagina with some labia dye before it turns the colour of a four-week-old corpse.' Do vaginas really lose their youthful glow? How? Do they fade in the sun? If so, maybe stop getting your vagina out in the sun.

Thankfully, there is some sanity in the world, and a lot of the people that took time out their busy lives to review the product, have sarcastically ripped the piss out of it. "Ideal mother's day gift" and "Doesn't your man deserve perfection?" are personal favourites. Oh, and then there's the guy who claims to have enthusiastically tested it out on his dick, which he refers to as his "potato". Sure.


F-CUP COOKIES

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I already know a cookie that makes your boobs bigger… it’s called a regular cookie. Seriously, Japan? Sixteen science Nobel Prizes and this is the best you can come up with? Get your shit together.

The cookies claim to boost your cup size by acting as a herbal oestrogen supplement but, honestly, what part of this sounds good: Synching up a biscuit with your menstrual cycle? No. Increased vaginal secretions? No. Feeling less stressed? Maybe. A soy milk flavoured snack? Gag.
 

"BETTY FUN" PUBIC HAIR DYE IN HOT PINK

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Is your vagina fun? Okay, maybe I worded that wrong. YOUR VAGINA ISN’T FUN ENOUGH. That’s what Betty thinks, anyway, or why would they invent this? Maybe they thought it would be cute, like having a tiny Nikki Minaj asleep betwixt your thighs. Maybe they hate you. Who even knows any more, all I'm saying is, if sea punk was a bad look on your head, it's an even worse look in your knickers. 


FACE-SLIMMING MOUTH-STRETCHER
 

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If pink pubes weren't enough to make you look completely insane, then this thing exists! A device that trains the muscles to make you look wider in the mouth and slimmer in the face. Although, if the Amazon comments are anything to go by, it's actually a subterfuge sex toy: less about slimming your face and more about teaching you the "no teeth" rule the hard way. Or just making you look like a human blow-up doll. 

I can’t help but feel this is one smug man’s backhanded revenge on women for all those pro-teeth sex tips in women's mags. We softly nibble your penis, you make us look like idiots. Touché, douchebag.

Time to vote:

Which one of these moronic products shall I use for an entire week?

@RosyCherrington

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