I know what you’ve always wanted: the chance to name a strand of Guy Fieri’s hair.
His hair is, honestly, the most stunning part of his appearance. Folks, don't let the flame shirt distract you. There’s no denying those tips, frosted as furiously as a beech tree after winter’s first heavy snowfall; locks gelled so aggressively that they resemble the sharp quills on the backside of a porcupine.
Your sick dreams can now come true with Fieri’s Follicles. "What could be more memorable than naming one of the Mayor of Flavortown's heralded hairs?” the site asks. It’s a fascinating question, really.
The site lets you name your own strand of Fieri's hair—for a price, that is. You can buy a "standard" follicle for a mere $10, "binary hairs" for $15, and a "constellation" of Fieri hairs for $20. (At each tier, you've got the option between choosing between his head and goatee—a terribly tough decision, indeed.) What you'll get in return is a certificate "issued by the Fieri Follicle Federation©," an "official Fieri Follicle Federation© welcome letter," and two fake tickets to Flavortown.
The site encourages you to name a hair "after someone special." Its bizarre statement of purpose reads, in full:
The one and only place to name Guy Fieri's famed follicles. These bleach blonde wisps flow in the wind like reeds swaying in the sunset and they happen to make the perfect gift for all occasions.
Friends, relatives, or sworn enemies will love the unique gift of a Fieri Follicle for: Birthdays, Taco Tuesdays, Anniversaries, Funerals, Graduations, Leg Day, Valentine's Day, Shark Week, Christmas, National Thank A Mailman Day, Hanukkah, & any other special occasion.
What could be more memorable than naming one of the Mayor of Flavortown's heralded hairs?
Judging by its Instagram account (which itself is home to a disturbing array of images, from Fieri’s face imposed on the body of a newborn, to his mug emblazoned on billboards and cereal boxes, to some weird mash-up of his head with that of Nicolas Cage), Fieri's Follicles seemed to be established on March 4 of this year.
Chase Caldwell, the founder of Fieri's Follicles, disputed this when reached for comment via email by MUNCHIES on Wednesday. Caldwell explained that the site began "last week" as a simple bid to make a "friend laugh on his birthday, which doesn't happen until next month." Amazing.
"We're aiming to be the absurd gag gift you get for a friend when you've run out of all other absurd gifts," Caldwell, a New York City resident who works in film and television, wrote to MUNCHIES on Wednesday. "We have no official affiliation with Guy but hope our site represents the fervor of Fieri-lovers worldwide. Much like a Star Registry Service, we send a certificate with the name you select, a welcome letter, and unlike a star registry, two printed tickets to Flavortown. Now, since Flavortown is an imaginary place, the tickets are really just for fun."
The idea for Fieri’s Follicles came out of an odd urge, according to Caldwell. "I’ve been naming things after a friend of mine for every birthday of his for the past ten years," Caldwell said. "I found websites that allowed me to name stars, highways, galaxies, mathematical equations, and more but had pretty much ran out of options to keep the tradition going. That’s when the idea came for Fieri’s Follicles. If people enjoyed having stars named after them, why not Guy Fieri’s awesome hairs?"
Caldwell claims that orders have just picked up today, which may mean such a gift has its own place in the world. Boy, does it ever!
Choose a gift with purpose this giving season. I know it's March, but, like, whatever. Those frosted tips? They're timeless.
UPDATE: A previous version of this article misspelled the surname of Chase Caldwell. The correct spelling is Caldwell, not Calwell.