Save Yourselves

Match Report: The Conservative Government Vs Climate Change FC (0-18)

A disappointing performance from the government squad, leaving Climate Change FC on top once again.
06 February 2020, 9:30am
boris johnson football
Photo via Alamy.

The rivalry between the Conservative Party and Climate Change goes back decades.

Ask your grandad and he'll look at you wistfully and say, Kid, that rivalry is as old as time itself. From the time former manager Margaret Thatcher literally stopped believing in Climate Change (a blow to the club's fans), to current boss Johnson's failure to build a solid offence, the "Will We All Die Quite Soon from Global Warming" derby continues to this day.

Of course, it's always been pretty one-sided: the Blues have never really put up a decent opposition. Some have even alleged the matches are fixed and that the Conservatives have willed Climate Change FC to win again and again, with accusations that managers and players have suspicious investments in the opposition. It's clear that management style is to blame here: although the sides under David Cameron and Theresa May were never particularly strong, the team truly began to falter under Boris Johnson, a bumbling joke of a manager, whose every play makes you wonder how qualified he was for this position in the first place.

This was on the minds of spectators in a cold, rainy stadium last night. Climate Change FC, confident after 50 consecutive wins, put pressure on the Conservatives with a disciplined performance that utilised defensive prowess and a persistent, fiery threat. This was compounded by a recent transfer loss, which saw the Conservatives lose a key adviser, Claire O'Neill, damaging the side immeasurably. As the mud flew up from the pitch, the Conservatives could barley land a successful challenge. It was clear who would be winners once again.

Grabbing a cold pint at half time, I spoke to fans of the Conservatives. They told me it "wasn't their priority" to beat Climate Change FC. "It's a load of fuss over nothing," said one 68-year-old fan, mouth full of a lukewarm pie.

In the second half, the Conservatives brought out their new set-piece, "Banning Diesel Vehicles by 2035". While the team thought this could be the move that might finally secure them a goal, most pundits agreed it wasn't nearly good enough. Chants of, "Global temperatures are going to rise by three degrees!" rang out from the opposition stalls.

This led to what was ultimately an emphatic defeat. After the match, with a clear 18-0 win to Climate Change, O'Neill told the pundits that the government were "playing at Oxford United levels, when we really need to be Liverpool".

This performance is characteristic of the side's past clashes. Their training plan, "Climate Neutrality by 2040", is far from ambitious – and fans are hoping for a little bit of creativity, something seen in the Labour team and their manager Jeremy Corbyn, whose controversial plans for a Green New Deal may well have put them on level pegging with Climate Change FC (that said, Labour have bigger fish to fry, after 59 of their players were injured in December).

Either way, it's been a disappointing season for the Blues. Earlier this month, one of the Conservatives' weaker forwards, Andrea Leadsom, scored an "own goal" by approving Europe’s biggest power station, a move that could see the side facing legal challenges. Not to mention that, in recent clashes with its former chair, The EU, the Conservatives flaunted how they will no longer be using training plans previously set out to beat Climate Change.

Ultimately, the behaviour of the side under Johnson has been woeful, and until real, structural change happens, it doesn't look like they will ever secure a win in this age-old derby. It really leaves you wondering: do the UK government even want to beat Climate Change FC?