The Defence Minister Wants to Put 'Really Expensive Guns' On Tractors

Ministry of Defence sources are reportedly "at their wits end" with Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson. Grappling with a £20 billion shortfall in the defence budget, the Tory minister has suggested mounting "really expensive guns" on tractors, disguising mobile missile defence ­systems as Coca-Cola lorries and turning old commercial ferries into beach assault craft, according to the Sun.

A source told the newspaper: "Gavin just came out with it. He said, ‘Can’t we buy tractors and put really expensive guns on them?’ People were open-mouthed. Others didn’t know where to look. It was totally bizarre."

So that's: The guy in charge of the defence of the realm, coming up with a 4AM dissertation deadline-day blag. A man whose brief could involve sending people to war, thinking a tank is basically just a big car with a cannon strapped to the bike rack. The minister with enough front to tell Russia to "go away and shut up" surrendering to the first brain fart that entered his head. "Tanks are well expensive. Shall we just… could we… put guns… on tractors?"

Never knew the ministry of defence was the sort of blue-sky thinking, there-are-no-bad-ideas-just-run-it-up-the-flagpole kind of modern workspace, but if the implication is that Williamson doesn't have the command of detail needed to be defence minister, then that's totally unfair. Really it's another example of the the grey little men of the civil service failing to think outside the box. The real problem here is the lack of ambition, so we came up with some more stuff to put guns on.

The Russian's are already familiar with the awesome destructive power of Harry Maguire's large forehead, having witnessed him scoring a bullet header against Sweden in the World Cup quarter-finals in Samara. If there's one thing that could make Mr Putin think twice before meddling in our elections by employing armies of Twitter bots to retweet the media's most consistently poor opinion columnists, it could be the threat of a Tomahawk cruise-missile strapped to the England hero's head, lurking in a nuclear submarine somewhere in the North Sea.

A tiny widdle dachshund… but with a really expensive gun on it? Seeeeew cute!

Nectarines, the seasonal orange-coloured stone fruit popularly bought in punnets, has a softboi rep. You know what would jazz it up a little? Bring out a tougher side? A fucking gun. Mount a gun on Britain’s nectarines, you cowards.

Following the cancellation of Saturday Night Takeaway, the national treasures are rumoured to be in negotiations with the Ministry of Defence to convert themselves into a pair of amphibious assault craft, each able to safely carry up to 40 marines to a beachhead asasult.

Like a tractor, only with a big blade thing for cutting, and therefore twice as much offensive capability. Just fucking TRY IT!