We Asked People 'What Kills Your Hard-On?'

It’s a story as old as time. Guy meets girl, girl falls under the spell of the guy’s oafish jokes, they hang out, they make out, and then the guy says something like, “Wait, I’ll get something.” And the girl thinks he’s kindly looking for a condom so he keeps all his transmissible diseases to himself, but suddenly he reappears with a cornbrator and whispers, “Can I put this in your ass?”

This is what experts call a "turn off." And it’s what Meatloaf means when he sang: I’d do anything for love, but I just won’t do that. So to find out what members of the general public won’t do, or where they draw the line, we asked around Melbourne.

VICE: Hey Claire, what makes you lose your hard on?
Claire: Homophobia. Being queer is hard, but being homophobic is not. Homophobia is so common. Not accepting people for who they are breaks my heart and makes me lose my hard on as well.

Well, the good news is the county seems slightly less homophobic right now. Are you happy about the "Yes" vote result?
Yeah, it’s a very special moment and maybe the most important for queer people in Australia. I’m very excited.

Like, turned on?
Maybe.

I’m not homophobic. Like, at all. Do I turn you on?
Yes, definitely.

Cool.

Het Chris, what makes you lose your hard on?
Circumcised dicks. There’s no flavour and nothing to eat. Plus, it’s genital mutilation. You really think a two-day-old baby has the choice? Like they had an opportunity to say, “Mummy, mummy, don’t cut my foreskin from my dick”? No, they did not.

It’s more hygienic though.
I agree, but I prefer natural dicks.

Did you ever have to deal with a circumcised dick?
Yes, a few times. I looked down and told myself, "Oh my God, there is no skin, there is nothing to nibble on!" It was very boring, always. If the guy is perfect but his dick is circumcised—look, I’d have to do a pros and cons list in my head. And being cut is obviously a con.

You’re tough Chris. A dick is a dick.
You’re right… Maybe I learned something today. I suppose I have to follow more the dogma that says it’s not what it looks like, it’s how you use it.

Hey Betty, what makes you lose your hard on?
Guys who use their masculine power in a way to dominate space. In two words: hypermasculinity, and the patriarchy.

Deep.
Like a very loud guy in a big group, swearing, and drinking beer all day.

Like any Aussie, Betty.
Yeah. Shit.

I guess you don’t like being dominated.
Oh no, no, no. It depends on the context. If it’s between consenting adults, it’s great. I like being dominated sometimes.

Is there anything else that makes you lose your hard on?
Yeah, I find it very unattractive when people try to be cool. Or, like, too cool. That’s not cool to me.

What makes you lose your hard on Sean?
People who don’t walk fast.

Are we talking about sex, Sean?
Yes.

All right, I just thought I’d ask.
You know, someone who has no energy, who can’t keep up with me.

Does an ADHD person turn you on?
Sure, why not. I want someone keeping my mind active.

You don’t seem to be very energetic though.
Mmmh.

What makes you lose your hard on?
Well, I love sex. Great sex.

I’m glad to know that Ben.
So I think what turns me off the most is a partner who doesn’t consider my feelings in bed and what makes me feel good. It’s important to talk during sex. Or someone who comes first and doesn’t let me come later. Fuck you, those people.

Poor thing. Does that happen often?
Sometimes. It’s very sad because you’re here like, "Hey I have blue balls." But I’m lucky to have met someone very respectful who waits for me and lets me come. Coming together is a nice feeling.

Yes, but there is waiting, and then there’s waiting…
Yeah, it’s not always a fun time.

Hey Emily, what makes you lose your hard on?
I don’t find people eating meat very attractive. It’s probably because I’m vegan.

Here we go. So, a tofu eater is sexy?
Yes. But the ultimate is someone who eats fruits.

Which fruit turns you on?
A mango is pretty sexy. Or a durian.

I had to read "How to Eat Durian" on wikiHow to know how to eat that shit.
Yeah, it’s a pretty weird fruit from Malaysia. I don’t think a lot of people find it very attractive because it has a fucked smell. Kind of a mix between shit, onion, and vomit. But it’s a very intense aphrodisiac, I can tell you.

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