Despite all their rage they are still just some twats in a cage.
For most consumers in the United $tate$, there seems no more perfect time to stock up on $2 waffle makers and discount cleaning supplies than the Friday immediately after Thanksgiving. Aptly titled "Black Friday", this is the one day out of the whole year when you can not only can buy your mace at Wal-Mart, but you can use it on your fellow shoppers, too. After all of the chaos of the day, it was a refreshing relief to finally get out that evening, grab a beer and watch some morons pretend to knock the shit out of other morons as yet more morons watched on, cheering.
Resistance Pro Wrestling is the latest adventure embarked upon by our favourite bald man from the 1990s, Billy Corgan. Acting as the creative director behind the scenes of Resistance Pro, Corgan is hoping to return wrestling to its halcyon days of the early 90s when it was still fake but more people seemed to give a shit. They held their first event the day after Thanksgiving, cunningly deciding to bill it as "Black Friday". Below is a firsthand account of everything I tried to avoid when I was 12 years old.
Bam! One of the Briscoe Brothers slams Teddy Hart!
As you can tell, it got off to a pretty fast start. As you can also probably tell, the venue was as big as your backyard pool. This actually worked to the event's advantage, because the wrestlers were able to simultaneously drink your beer while climbing up the balcony to perform a diving elbow. Often this led to the audience finding themselves in the thick of the action, and thus in the thick of their own wet dreams.
Pow! Cheerleader Melissa lays down a body slam on Serenity!
No wrestling match is complete without a hot minority chick who's capable of beating the shit out of 90 percent of the white men in the room.
Fog effects are the key to any legitimate event. Just the right amount of fog, and it feels like you are at a Kiss concert in Detroit, too much fog and even a crowd of wrestling fans are wondering why the fuck they are there.
Shit! It's Colt Cabana!
Fun fact, the event took place in Chicago’s Excalibur Nightclub, a place that, in 1999, was named Chicago's best entertainment venue by a local magazine. Maybe that's why Ryan Gosling showed up. Oh wait, sorry, that's "Colt Cabana". Is that Billy making a reference to "Kurt Cobain"? Whatever, nice jacket, "Colt", sure doesn't remind me of any other jacket I've seen in a film recently or anything.
This man showed up in a mask, pretending to be Mexican.
Wow! Who's he?
I have no idea, but he sure was angry about something.
I wonder what this guy’s LinkedIn looks like.
Nap time came early for these two. The last time they were this close to another man is the reason they go to the gym so much.
This guy was called "Hallowikid". He was actually "hella-lame". Let's see how great you feel about your life in March, Hallowikid.
These bros are pretty into it. On a side note, since when has a gong been typical for this type of event?
I'm sure this was a really important part of the narrative but I was too busy trying to stifle a boner to concentrate. Why?
Yowzer! It's Sassy Stephie!
Yes, Sassy Stephie. The woman who knows that the ankle is far more taboo than the thigh.
Some other girl getting her head stomped.
There weren't very many women in the crowd, however.
Fuck! Some guy died!
So there you have it: Billy Corgan has created a new wrestling league in Chicago, and if you wanna check it out for yourself go to their next event in January. I actually had quite a fun time.
PHOTOS: TODD DIEDERICH
WORDS: KEVIN CAMPS