Television X invited me to their awards show, The SHAFTAs; an ingenious portmanteau of "shaft" and "BAFTAs".
Regular readers of this site who are blessed with unnecessarily good memories will remember that last year I went to a party hosted by an adult TV channel (yes, those still exist) where a friend of mine was robbed by an ex-Big Brother contestant named Darnell. Because we've been mega close since then, Television X invited me to an awards ceremony they put on called the SHAFTAs (an ingenious portmanteau of "shaft" and "BAFTAs" which is also an acronym of "Soft And Hard Adult Film And Television Awards" – so many levels).
The ceremony took place at one of those gross high-end strip clubs they have in the city. The kind that Time Out are always writing about. They had some pretty bitching art work around the venue though.
Our hosts for this evening were this pair. The woman is Linsey Dawn McKenzie. Whose name is vaguely familiar to me, like déjà vu with stretch marks. Not sure who the guy is. But he was FULL of zingers. I think my favourite was: "Did you hear there's a new drug for dykes? It's called 'Trycocksagain'". ZOINK!
I'm not really sure who won awards for what as I didn't take notes. I do know that this lady had just carried off "MILF of the year" for the second year running though. How many "MILF of the year" titles can you win before you stop being a mom, and can just start being your own damn person?
And here she is with 50% of the cast of Dirty Sanchez. BEST NIGHT EVERRRR!
Most of the acceptance speeches went something like: "Thanks everyone! Here are my breasts."
In between each group of awards, there would be a strip show. I don't remember what song was playing during this dance, but it was one that started slow, and then got all sexy and strippish, so these two had to play fake, super sexy poker for at least three minutes before the tempo picked up enough for them to get nekkid. I know that doesn't sound that long, but try it right now, bet you can't keep it up. And you don't have a room full of people staring at you.
This was when Bez "Bez" Bez was presenting an award. There were technical difficulties because Bez was, to borrow an industry term, "too fucking stupid to read the autocue". So this exotic creature had to read it for him. Outside of the realm of "speciality porn", you don't really get to see many non-whites in the adult entertainment biz. It's great that Television X is so progressive and all inclusive that they hired a ganguro girl.
Tim "urban terrapin" Westwood also presented an award. He seemed like a nice guy, I must have heard at least 50 people go up to him and scream "BIG DOG!" into his face, and he pretended to find it funny every time. What a trooper.
Eventually the free bar ended, and trying to care whether awards went to Forrest Hump or Clockwork Orgy without the help of alcohol seemed like too much of a daunting task. Have you ever seen how much a drink costs in a strip club? Hooooly shit. I decided to leave and go somewhere a little more within my budget (AKA home).
On my way to the door, my path was blocked by this pile of ladiez.
I stood watching it for a few minutes, mesmerised. Every minute or so, they'd change positions and start licking a new set of boobs and be all "Sarah! How you been babez? Not seen you in ages!" Pretty hot.
Eventually the pile disbanded, and I continued my journey out of the door. But not before I ran into Dane "You're outta your mind – this tune's gonna punish you (punish you)" Bowers in his lovely, wipe-clean suit.