so sad today

Advice on Blowjobs and Life from So Sad Today

The trick is to "prime" the dick and stay sober.

by So Sad Today
14 September 2017, 5:21pm

Illustrations by Joel Benjamin

Dear So Sad Today,

I recently celebrated a year sober. My first year was really good. I guess I was on what they call a "pink cloud" because I was just so happy to finally have some peace in my life and amazed that I was finally clean that I didn't worry too much about the rest. But right after I got my year, I started feeling like, is this it? Now what? I'm still working my same stupid "sober job" in retail, and I don't have a boyfriend. I think I'm in a depression. Also I miss the part of me that was "a bad girl" or whatever. It makes me think that if I'm going to be depressed like I was when I was using, I might as well use. I know you've been sober and clean for a long time. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Sincerely,

The Yearling

Dear Yearling,

I can totally relate. I always feel like there should be a parade for me when I do what normal people do. Get up in the morning and brush my teeth, not sleep in stairwells or wake up covered in bruises next to a stranger. Getting and staying sober is the best thing that has happened to me, but being born is still probably the worst.

It's annoying that there is no cure for life—even though alcohol and drugs felt like the cure in the beginning. Also, I too was surprised to discover that getting sober didn't mean that life was just going to be perfect from now on.

So why stay sober if life is just going to be life? If I'm still going to have mental health issues in sobriety, why bother? It's a good question. As an addict, I want everything to be beautiful, painless and serene all the time. When I feel a bad feeling, I'm like, Oh, fuck, it's going to be like this forever. But I've come to discover in sobriety that there's no perma-feeling. Everything is always changing, even in periods of anxiety and depression. Also, I don't have a shot with my mental health if I'm not sober.

The other thing I enjoy about being sober, and helping others stay sober, is that it gives me a sense of meaning. It really doesn't matter whether my career is great or shit, whether I have a loving partner: There's no amount of success or romance that will ever be enough for this addict. I will always want more of everything delicious. But sobriety, and helping others, is in itself, strangely enough.

One more thing. You don't have to be a "good girl." I think it's important for recovering addicts to stay in touch with our dark side, whether it's through sharing our stories, art, or other forms of self-expression. That darkness lives in us whether we acknowledge it or try to shut it down, so we might as well acknowledge it for the fruitful place it can be. I actually really like my nonconformity as a sober person. Now, my rebellions are intentional—not just a result of being unable to remember where I was the night before.

xo

SST

***

Dear So Sad Today,

How do you produce more saliva when giving oral to a guy?

Best wishes,

Cotton Mather

Dear Cotton Mather,

Well, first of all, before we get to saliva, I should tell you that I'm a big believer in what I call "priming" the dick. I believe in making out with the dick—licking the head, sucking on the balls like a nice, juicy pussy, and also "slow-motion-deep-throating" (putting the dick as far back in my mouth as possible and going so slow on it that I'm basically torturing it) before I get to the full-on blowjob. By "priming" the dick, I know that it's ready to go by the time I get to the actual sucking. This way, I can really focus on giving an intuitive, empathic blowjob, and not on the amount of time it's going to take for me to suck it.

Now, one of the reasons why I mention the priming, is that this is the time when I create the saliva. Specifically, it's during the "slow-mo deep-throat" portion of things that I create my saliva stockpile. And you can too! No one is saying you have to be a sword swallower. There will come a point in your mouth, whether it's just the back of the tongue or further, that's like: OK. This is as far as we're going. That's the place where the dick triggers a gag reflex—the saliva-generating nexus, if you will. I like to hang out with the dick there for a while, really join hands with it, unionize, get to know each other as the saliva flows.

Some like to get face-fucked hard. That's awesome! I'm a hypochondriac Jew with anxiety disorder, so when my mouth and airway are involved, I prefer to be the one roughly setting the pace. If the blowjob is a tango, I take cues from my partner, but I'm definitely leading. But getting face-fucked hard also seems like a good way to produce saliva.

xo

SST

Buy So Sad Today: Personal Essays on Amazon, and follow her on Twitter.