What's Gone On This Week: The Hatching of Another Royal Baby

In slightly more reassuring news, David Cameron is now so universally disliked he can't even buy a hot tub without it being a news item purely because no one wants him to enjoy anything :,)

by NEO
|
10 May 2019, 3:18pm

Photo: dpa picture alliance / Alamy Stock Photo

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

NOT ANOTHER ROYAL BABY

THIS WEEK, PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE HAD THEIR FIRST CHILD TOGETHER, AND BY DECIDING TO CALL THEIR SON "ARCHIE HARRISON MOUNTBATTEN-WINDSOR", THE DUKE AND DUCHESS OF SUSSEX HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO USE A TITLE FOR THEIR FIRST BORN.

BBC ROYAL CORRESPONDENT JONNY DYMOND SAID IT WAS A "STRONG INDICATION THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO BRING HIM UP AS A FORMAL 'ROYAL'". WHICH WOULD BE VERY IMPRESSIVE GIVEN THAT THE MAJORITY OF THINGS ARE NAMED IN HIS FAMILY'S HONOUR: THEY'RE ON ALL THE FUCKING MONEY, THEY FORM THE NUCLEUS OF THE ENTIRE BRITISH CLASS SYSTEM AND EVERY SINGLE WEIRDO ON THIS STRANGE ISLAND BOOTLICKS THE FUCK OUT OF THEM.

THE NAME "ARCHIE" – WHO IS SEVENTH IN LINE TO THE THRONE – WAS NOT AMONG THE BOOKMAKERS' FAVOURITES OF "ALEXANDER, ARTHUR AND ALBERT”, WHICH DOES TRULY MAKE IT NOW SOUND LIKE NO CUNT COULD BE ARSED GETTING PAST THE FIRST PAGE OF THE BABY NAME BOOK.

THE CHOICE OF NAME EVEN SHOOK MANAGING EDITOR OF 'MAJESTY ROYAL' MAGAZINE, JOE LITTLE, WHO SAID "I DON'T THINK ANY ONE OF US SAW EITHER OF THESE NAMES COMING" AS IF THEY NAMED HIM "BLAZE" OR "ECHO FREEDOM".

NOTHING REAFFIRMS JUST HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING DERANGED NATION OF SYCOPHANTS THE BRITISH ARE MORE ASTUTELY THAN THE HATCHING OF ANOTHER ROYAL BABY.

PRINCE WILLIAM EVEN PARTICIPATED IN SOME “NORMAL MAN” PATTER AND WELCOMED HIS BROTHER HARRY TO THE “SLEEP DEPRIVATION SOCIETY” OF PARENTING, WHICH IS QUITE AMUSING WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT THE QUEEN ALONE HAS 1,500 STAFF AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE A NATIONAL EVENT WITHOUT SOME "VETERAN" BROADCASTER BEING RACIST ABOUT IT. THE BBC SACKED DANNY BAKER FOR CAPTIONING A PHOTO OF A CLOTHED CHIMPANZEE HOLDING HANDS WITH A COUPLE: “ROYAL BABY LEAVES HOSPITAL”. 61-YEAR OLD BAKER DENIED KNOWING THE IMPLICATIONS OF INFERRING A PHOTO OF A MIXED RACE CHILD AS A CHIMP, STATING IT “NEVER OCCURRED TO ME”.

WHAT MOST STICKS OUT ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR INCIDENT IS HOW IT HIGHLIGHTS THE HYPOCRISY OVER RACISM AT THE BBC. WHEN ALAN SUGAR DELIVERED A SIMILARLY RACIST “GAG” ABOUT THE SENEGALESE FOOTBALL TEAM AT THE WORLD CUP, HE INSISTED THAT HE COULDN’T SEE WHAT HE HAD TO APOLOGISE FOR, BEFORE SAYING “I THINK IT’S FUNNY. BUT I WILL PULL IT DOWN IF YOU INSIST," YET KEPT HIS JOB. THIS WEEK NIGEL FARAGE WAS INVITED ON TO 'QUESTION TIME' FOR LITERALLY HIS 33RD APPEARANCE. I GUESS RACISM ONLY BECOMES AN ISSUE WHEN IT’S AGAINST A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY.

BREXIT MASTER DAVID CAMERON BUYS LUXURY HOTTUB

BIG NEWS THIS WEEK AS IT WAS REVEALED FORMER PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON ADDED A £8,000 HOT TUB TO HIS £2 MILLION COASTAL CORNISH RETREAT.

CAMERON CHOSE THE WOOD-FIRED, FRESH WATER VERSION THAT CLAIMS TO BE “AUTHENTIC” AND ECO-FRIENDLY, WHICH IS A FUCKING SPECIAL KIND OF TORY BEHAVIOUR CONSIDERING THIS CUNT SPENT LARGE AMOUNTS OF HIS TIME IN CHARGE OF THE UK GOVERNMENT LAMENTING THE FACT THAT THE BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE WASN'T BEING FRACKED FAST ENOUGH.

THE SIX-PERSON TUB, WHICH DOESN’T USE ELECTRICITY OR HAVE ANY WIRES, IS MADE FROM RED CEDAR AND STAINLESS STEEL. MAKERS FORESTFLAME INSIST THAT WHEN USING THEIR PRODUCT “ALL YOU WILL HEAR IS THE FAINT CRACKLE OF THE WOOD FIRE, THE BIRDS’ EVENING CHORUS AND THE BUBBLES POPPING IN THE TOP OF YOUR CHAMPAGNE FLUTE”. PERFECT FOR CONTEMPLATING YOUR NEXT ASSET-STRIPPING VENTURE.

THE “POSH TUB” BLURB STATES THAT IT IS AIMED AT THOSE WHO “BELIEVE THE OBJECTS IN YOUR LIFE MUST HAVE A SOUL AND A HIGHER PURPOSE", AND IS FOR CUSTOMERS WHO WANT TO BE “FREE OF CONSTRAINTS”. NO WONDER THE BREXIT-DODGING WISPY CUNT BOUGHT IT.

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE WHAT SORT OF SPECIMENS ARE GOING TO BE IN THE BUBBLING CASSEROLE OF TORY CUM AND FARTS WITH HIM. GEORGE OSBORNE, CAROL VORDERMAN AND GARY BARLOW? I’D RATHER LAUNCH MYSELF INTO THE FUCKING WOOD BURNER.

CAMERON’S PURCHASE COMES TWO YEARS AFTER HE SPENT £25,000 ON A FARROW AND BALL-PAINTED “SHEPHERD’S HUT” TO USE AS A WRITING STUDIO FOR HIS UPCOMING MEMOIRS, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A WASTE OF TIME WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST WRITTEN “I AM A CUNT” AND MADE THE MOST CONCISE AND ACCURATE NON-FICTION WORK OF 2019 WHILE COLLECTING HIS £800K FOR PENNING IT.

WHILE IT’S UNDOUBTEDLY DAFT THAT A POLITICIAN CAN’T PURCHASE AN ITEM TO ENJOY IN PRIVATE WITHOUT HAVING THE TABLOID MEDIA GOING MENTAL, YOU MIGHT HAVE SYMPATHY FOR HIM IF HE WASN’T SUCH A CROOKED PIG FUCKER... "ALLEGEDLY".

BURIAL CHAMBER OF OLD SAXON CUNT REVEALED

ARCHAEOLOGISTS THIS WEEK HAVE REVEALED THAT THEY HAVE RECREATED IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL WHAT THEY CALLED THE UK’S ANSWER TO “TUTANKHAMUN’S TOMB”.

OF COURSE, ANYTHING THAT ALLUDES TO THE BRITISH EQUIVALENT OF SOMETHING PHENOMENAL IS OFTEN VERY, VERY SHIT – LIKE THE BRITISH EQUIVALENT OF LAS VEGAS BEING BLACKPOOL PLEASURE BEACH. SO IT’S PROBABLY FITTING THAT THE BURIAL SITE WASN’T FOUND IN SOMETHING AKIN TO THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS, BUT LOCATED BETWEEN AN ALDI AND A PUB IN PRITTLEWELL, NEAR SOUTHEND.

THE ROYAL BURIAL SITE DATES BACK TO ANGLO-SAXON TIMES AND IS BELIEVED TO HAVE HELD THE REMAINS OF SEAXA, BROTHER OF KING SAEBERT. THE GRAVE WAS UNEARTHED DURING ROADWORKS IN 2003 AND SCIENTISTS HAVE SPENT THE LAST 15 YEARS EXCAVATING THE SITE – A MILKING OF A JOB THE CONTRACTORS WORKING ON SAGRADA FAMILIA WOULD BE PROUD OF.

RESEARCH WAS UNDERTAKEN BY MORE THAN 40 EXPERTS IN VARIOUS FIELDS, WHO WORKED TOGETHER TO RECONSTRUCT THE CHAMBER. TOOTH ENAMEL FRAGMENTS WERE THE ONLY HUMAN REMAINS FOUND, BUT EXPERTS SAY THEIR "BEST GUESS" IS THAT THEY BELONGED TO THE SIXTH CENTURY ANGLO-SAXON PRINCE.

RESEARCH DIRECTOR SOPHIE JACKSON SAID NO ONE HAD EXPECTED THE “UNPROMISING-LOOKING SITE” TO YIELD SUCH A DISCOVERY, AS “IT’S BETWEEN A BIT OF RAILWAY AND A BIT OF ROAD [...] IT’S NOT WHERE YOU’D EXPECT TO FIND IT”. BUT TO BE FAIR TO THE GERMANIC TRIBE, I DON’T THINK THERE WAS A SUPERMARKET AND A TRAIN TRACKS IN PLACE AT THE TIME WHEN THEY BURIED THE CUNT.

NEWLY-ANALYSED OBJECTS SUGGEST THE TOMB IS OLDER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT AS THE SCIENTISTS PIECED TOGETHER ARTEFACTS, SOME OF WHICH ARE 1,400 YEARS OLD, TO BUILD AN IMAGE OF HOW THE CHAMBER WOULD HAVE LOOKED WHEN IT WAS FIRST CREATED.

THE REMAINS OF THE TIMBER STRUCTURE, WHICH WOULD HAVE MEASURED ABOUT 13FT SQUARE AND 5FT DEEP, HOUSED SOME 40 RARE AND PRECIOUS ARTEFACTS.
LOCALS HAD NICKNAMED THE GRAVE'S PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN OCCUPANT “KING OF BLING” BECAUSE OF THE RICHES BURIED WITH HIM, INCLUDING: A GOLD BELT BUCKLE, AN "EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE" ASH-WOOD COFFIN WITH AN ELABORATE LID, A FOLDING IRON STOOL, A PAINTED BOX, DRINKING HORNS AND A FLAGON ORIGINATING FROM SYRIA. ALL OF WHICH ALSO SOUND LIKE WRESTLING PROPS OR ITEMS YOU’D FIND IN A MARKET STREET BAZAR.

AFTER YEARS OF EXPERT ANALYSIS, SOME OF THE ARTEFACTS ARE FINALLY BEING RETURNING TO SOUTHEND, WHERE THEY WERE FIRST DISCOVERED. BASED ON PREVIOUS BEHAVIOUR OF THE BRITISH MUSEUM, THAT’S EXTREMELY UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ANGLO-SAXON.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO