AMBER - STRENGTH
All things considered, Amber got through the Michael and Joanna situation fairly admirably, if you ignore the loss of a couple of strength points in light of the recent confirmation that she still actually likes this wasteman for some reason. The nation's firecracker, she warms viewers' hearts, even when she slips into the reverse of this card and gets petty.
ANNA - THE HIGH PRIESTESS
All hail. The holy Queen of the villa, this show would be nothing without the sheen brought to it by Anna's wisdom, banter and flawless brand of influencer beauty. She's loyal to her girls but straight-up enough to tell them when they're being bait, calls people on their shit with the incredibly watchable repetitive-speech pattern of a machine gun (here, we see the lack of patience suggested by the card; while being a deity, we must also remember she is only human) and she fully is not a piece of meat to be passed around. She stands for sexual liberty and autonomy over your own body, feminist solidarity and really good hair. Plus, she reps tall girls. All hail.
ANTON - THE WORLD
Until Sunday night, this really was Anton's card through and through. Who else had come so far and persevered so sweetly and good-naturedly – and just a tiny, TINY bit creepily – to find such a happy conclusion in the capable, clawed hands of the lovely Belle? Little did we know that, in trying, in his typical way, to give her the world in the Snog, Marry, Pie challenge, he would actually blow apart their lovely little world in the process – but that was just a blip and we're now back on track. Successful conclusions indeed!
BELLE - THE STAR
Up to Sunday night's blow-up we were really only shown Belle as a love interest for Anton, but completely bought into that wholesale-reduction-of-a-personality thing that reality TV producers are so good at, and came to adore her for this and their love story alone. She WAS his shining star in the dark night – kinda! Plus, stars famously have nuclear-level explosions, like she did on Sunday. So there's that.
CHRIS - THE CHARIOT
I've found it hard to warm to Chris. Maybe it's because of how he speaks, or how CHALDESH his guesses were for Amber's favourite Disney character, or the fact it's just very hard to ever fully like a white guy with a Native American woman tattooed on his chest – but he does at least seem to be persevering, especially with Amber. And if that whole situation doesn't have "defeat" and "failure" written all over it, I don't know what does.
CURTIS - THE DEVIL
This card is self-explanatory: Curtis blows. Since his glassy-eyed reaction to the Amy debacle (which alone earns him the assignment of this card), we have seen in Curtis a diabolical blossoming: from his tongue of trickery and deceit to the way he commanded Maura to smile (!) to his comically-shifty eyes, to the way he repeatedly told Francesca he wanted to be her friend, he's maybe the worst nice-guy dickhead to be platformed by Love Island yet, a sort of beta-male Broadway jokester reboot of last year’s wretched love rat Adam.
FRANCESCA - WHEEL OF FORTUNE
Francesca seems great: she's brought a green-eyed, wide-mouthed breath of fresh air to the villa, her hair is super pretty and her move to nab Curtis in the recoupling was bold and, of course, of extremely questionable taste, but not bitchy. For these reasons she has earned some much-deserved affection and respect. It makes her an icon of unexpected events in the villa and a facilitator of change, even though it didn't work out that great for her this time. Nevertheless, the wheel will continue to spin, and perhaps in these last two weeks there will be an unexpected windfall for the lovely Francesca.
JORDAN - THE SUN
Jordan is one of the few Islanders who seems like they'd be genuinely fun to chill with, and his quips make up a large portion of the actually funny moments in the show. Read the traits! It's him!
MAURA - DEATH
Who else? Obviously this is tongue-in-cheek, because while Maura is certainly the most dread resident of the villa, it's in a good way: she's the Chaotic Good to Curtis' Chaotic Evil. We have to call her what she is, but that doesn't mean we can't love and embrace her. Also, if anyone can handle the fiery pits of Hell, it's probably Maura.
In another sense, this really is Maura's card because, taste in Curtis notwithstanding, she does deserve to find true love and begin a new chapter after the run of douchebags she's had in the villa.
MICHAEL - JUDGEMENT
This is something of a tame card assignment for an Islander who's largely come off as the biggest dickhead on this year's show. But think about it: whether you like it or not, he's obviously earned the "transformation" bit by jumping from Amber to Joanna. And the renewal and change stuff is at least real to him, according to all his dead chat about finally being able to be himself.
MOLLY MAE - TEMPERANCE
Molly-Mae is the fusion of harmony, peace and confidence personified. In fairness, she's also absolutely obsessed with stirring the pot, a fact that stands in direct opposition to some of that – but you can't have everything.
OVIE - THE HIEROPHANT
It took King Ovie all of one episode to win the hearts of Love Island group chats across the nation. As he told Anna, he most certainly is not a "yute", and is a highlight of the nightly show, not least for his eye-watering handsomeness.
He has helped Amber blossom like a flower and brings a much-needed humour to the villa, even if his tendency to talk in accents is kind of bizarre. Mind you, this might come from insecurity and the pressures of being in the villa 24/7, which makes me want to fly out to Spain and give him a massive cuddle and a bunch of kisses.
TOMMY - THE EMPEROR
The nation's golden boy, this card is pretty self-explanatory: Tommy is somewhat of a leader by example in the villa. He's generally non-misogynistic, easygoing by nature but with excellent reflexes, and is loyal to his lady. He also gets the Emperor for his lovable quirk of delivering one-liners re: love and loss as though they were proclamations made by an Ancient Greek philosopher king, and not literally made up on the spot.