What's Gone On This Week: Black Hole Energy

Scientists take the first photo of a black hole, while Assange gets nicked and a government website inadvertently sends people looking for information about bees to a list of escort services.

by NEO
|
12 April 2019, 3:14pm

All images via Wiki Commons

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

SCIENTISTS TAKE FIRST-EVER PHOTOGRAPH OF A BLACK HOLE

ASTRONOMERS HAVE TAKEN THE FIRST-EVER IMAGE OF A BLACK HOLE, WHICH IS LOCATED IN A DISTANT GALAXY. THE HOLE MEASURES 40 BILLION KM ACROSS AND IS 500 MILLION TRILLION KM AWAY, SO BY MY CALCULATIONS IT IS “FAIRLY LARGE”.

DESPITE THE PHOTOGRAPH LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE HAD TAKEN A PICTURE OF A STAND-BY LIGHT ON A TV IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON AN LG CHOCOLATE FROM 40 PACES, THE WORK OF EIGHT LINKED TELESCOPES ACROSS THE WORLD FORMED THE EVENT HORIZON TELESCOPE IN ORDER TO TAKE THIS LANDMARK PHOTOGRAPH AS NO SINGLE TELESCOPE IS POWERFUL ENOUGH. OF COURSE, A LESS LABOUR-INTENSIVE WAY OF CAPTURING A BLACK HOLE WOULD HAVE BEEN TO SIMPLY TAKE A PICTURE OF MY OVERDRAFT STATEMENT.

PROFESSOR HEINO FALCKE OF RADBOUD UNIVERSITY IN THE NETHERLANDS, WHO PROPOSED THE EXPERIMENT, SAID THE BLACK HOLE WAS FOUND IN A GALAXY CALLED M87, WHICH SOUNDS REMARKABLY LIKE A MOTORWAY WHOSE SERVICE STATION GAVE YOU SALMONELLA AFTER EATING A BURGER KING.

FROM WHICH YOU ONCE GOT SALMONELLA EATING A BURGER KING AT A SERVICE STATION.

FALCKE EXPLAINED MORE ABOUT THE PHENOMENON: "WHAT WE SEE IS LARGER THAN THE SIZE OF OUR ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM. IT HAS A MASS 6.5 BILLION TIMES THAT OF THE SUN. AND IT IS ONE OF THE HEAVIEST BLACK HOLES THAT WE THINK EXISTS. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER, THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF BLACK HOLES IN THE UNIVERSE." A TRULY GLOWING REVIEW OF THIS MASSIVE BASTARD INDEED.

THE IMAGE MATCHES WHAT THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS IMAGINED BLACK HOLES WOULD LOOK LIKE ACCORDING TO DR ZIRI YOUNSI, OF UNIVERSITY COLLEGE LONDON, WHO IS PART OF THE EHT COLLABORATION. THE IMAGE SEEMS, UNSURPRISINGLY, TO BE THAT OF A LARGE BLACK HOLE.

"ALTHOUGH THEY ARE RELATIVELY SIMPLE OBJECTS, BLACK HOLES RAISE SOME OF THE MOST COMPLEX QUESTIONS ABOUT THE NATURE OF SPACE AND TIME, AND ULTIMATELY OF OUR EXISTENCE," SAID DR YOUNSI.

INTERESTINGLY, THERE IS A REGION OF SPACE BEYOND THE BLACK HOLE CALLED THE 'EVENT HORIZON'. THIS IS A POINT OF NO RETURN, BEYOND WHICH IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, EVEN FOR LIGHT, TO ESCAPE THE GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF THE BLACK HOLE. WHICH IS PRECISELY WHAT I’M GOING TO START CALLING MY FOURTH PINT OF THE NIGHT.

WHAT’S REALLY FUCKED UP IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DECIDED TO GO FOR A GANDER IN THIS BLACK HOLE. YOU THINK YOU’D QUITE SIMPLY JUST BE ABSOLUTELY OBLITERATED BY THE CUNT, BUT WHAT WOULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN IS THAT REALITY WOULD SPLIT IN TWO. IN ONE REALITY, YOU’D BE INSTANTLY TURNED TO ASH (NOT THE BAND, MERCIFULLY), AND IN THE OTHER YOU’D PLUNGE INTO THE HOLE COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED. AS YOU’D GO DEEPER INTO THE BLACK HOLE, SPACE BECOMES MORE CURVY UNTIL, AT THE CENTRE, IT BECOMES INFINITELY CURVED. IT’S HERE SPACE AND TIME CEASE TO BE MEANINGFUL IDEAS AND THE LAWS OF PHYSICS THAT REQUIRE SPACE AND TIME NO LONGER APPLY AND NO CUNT KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THIS, BUT BREXIT IS GIVING ME AN IDEA. SO WHILE YOU’RE DUST ON THE OUTSIDE, YOU’RE ACTUALLY STILL ALIVE AND FUCKING AROUND IN THIS BLACK HOLE.

I GUESS THIS IS WHERE I TELL SPACE TO “SHUT UP CUNT” AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I’M 16 AND JUST SMOKED A MASSIVE DOINK AND WATCHED ZEITGEIST FOR THE FIRST TIME.

JULIAN ASSANGE GETS NICKED

WIKILEAKS CO-FOUNDER JULIAN ASSANGE WAS ARRESTED ON THURSDAY AT THE ECUADORIAN EMBASSY IN LONDON. ASSANGE INITIALLY TOOK REFUGE IN THE KNIGHTSBRIDGE EMBASSY IN 2012 TO AVOID EXTRADITION TO SWEDEN OVER A SEXUAL ASSAULT CASE.

THE ECUADORIAN PRESIDENT LENIN MORENO ACCUSED ASSANGE OF “DISCOURTEOUS AND AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR” AS HE CONFIRMED THE SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY HAD WITHDRAWN ASSANGE’S ASYLUM STATUS AND INVITED SCOTLAND INTO THE EMBASSY. PRESUMABLY THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE ASSERTION THAT HE SMEARED SHIT ON THE WALLS.

“THAT IS FAR REMOVED FROM THE MINIMUM RESPECT A GUEST SHOULD HAVE IN A COUNTRY WHICH HAS GENEROUSLY WELCOMED HIM”, SAID ECUADORIAN INTERIOR MINISTER MARIA PAULA ROMO. WE CAN ONLY ASSUME ASSANGE’S AIRBNB GUEST RATING IS GOING TO TAKE A BIG HIT.

IMAGES EMERGED OF ASSANGE BEING DRAGGED AWAY BY POLICE WERE AN EXACT RENDERING OF WHAT SOMEONE WHO HAD LIVED IN AN EMBASSY FOR SEVEN YEARS SOLID WITHOUT LEAVING AND RUBBING POO ON THE WALLS WOULD LOOK LIKE. IN CLASSIC INTERNET FASHION, HIS DISHEVELED FIGURE PROMPTED “UNCLE ALBERT” TO BEGIN TRENDING ON TWITTER.

THE 47-YEAR-OLD AUSTRALIAN WAS THEN TAKEN TO A LONDON POLICE STATION BEFORE APPEARING IN WESTMINSTER MAGISTRATES' COURT WHERE HE WAS FOUND GUILTY OF FAILING TO SURRENDER TO THE COURT. HE WILL POTENTIALLY BE EXTRADITED TO THE US WHERE HE WILL FACE FEDERAL CONSPIRACY CHARGES FOR PUBLISHING CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

ASSANGE SET UP WIKILEAKS IN 2006 WITH THE AIM OF OBTAINING AND PUBLISHING CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND IMAGES. THE ORGANISATION BECAME INFAMOUS FOUR YEARS ON WHEN IT RELEASED FOOTAGE OF US SOLDIERS KILLING CIVILIANS AND JOURNALISTS FROM A HELICOPTER IN IRAQ, AMONG MORE THAN 700,000 CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND VIDEOS ON THE ANTI-SECRECY WEBSITE.

THE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST ASSANGE BY THE DEPARTMENT FOR JUSTICE THAT SAY THAT HE CONSPIRED WITH FORMER US INTELLIGENCE ANALYST MANNING TO DOWNLOAD CLASSIFIED DATABASES.

JEREMY CORBYN TWEETED TO SAY ASSANGE SHOULD NOT BE EXTRADITED "FOR EXPOSING EVIDENCE OF ATROCITIES IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN" AND OCCASIONAL VISITOR OF ASSANGE, PAMELA ANDERSON, CALLED THE UK "AMERICA'S BITCH" AND SAID IT WAS DONE AS A GOVERNMENT DISTRACTION FROM THEIR “IDIOTIC BREXIT BULLSHIT”.

FOREIGN SECRETARY JEREMY HUNT SAID “NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW AND JULIAN ASSANGE IS NO HERO. HE HAS HIDDEN FROM THE TRUTH FOR YEARS AND YEARS” BUT ADDED “WE’RE NOT MAKING ANY JUDGEMENT ABOUT JULIAN ASSANGE’S INNOCENCE OR GUILT”. HOME SECRETARY SAJID JAVID TWEETED THAT ASSANGE IS “RIGHTLY FACING JUSTICE IN THE UK” AND REITERATED “NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW”… WITH THE OBVIOUS EXCEPTION OF THE MEGA-RICH, BIG BUSINESS, THE MILITARY, GOVERNMENT AGENCIES, THE BRITISH ESTABLISHMENT AND THEIR FINAL BOSS, THE QUEEN – WHO LITERALLY IS.

WHAT’S OBVIOUS IS THAT JULIAN ASSANGE SHOULD BE MADE TO FACE THE LAW IN SWEDEN FIRST AND FOREMOST, AND NOT BE EXTRADITED TO THE US TO FACE STATE REPRISALS FOR EXPOSING THE WAR CRIMES OF AMERICA. THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOUR WOULD SET A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT FOR WHISTLEBLOWING AND INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM. OPPOSING HIS EXTRADITION ISN’T IN DEFENCE OF ASSANGE, THE NARCISSISTIC INDIVIDUAL, BUT ABOUT THE FREEDOM TO HOLD GOVERNMENTS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR LIES.

GOVERNMENT INADVERTENTLY DIRECTS BEE LOVERS TO ESCORT WEBSITE

IT WAS REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT THE DEPARTMENT FOR ENVIRONMENT, FOOD AND RURAL AFFAIRS HAS INADVERTENTLY BEEN SENDING MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC LOOKING FOR ADVICE ON “ENCOURAGING POLLINATORS” TO A WEBSITE ADVERTISING ESCORT SERVICES.

THE BEES’ NEEDS CAMPAIGN WAS LAUNCHED IN 2014 BY THE THEN-ENVIRONMENT MINISTER, ‘RUPERT CHARLES PONSONBY, 7TH BARON DE MAULEY’, TO USE HIS FULL TITLE, WHO CALLED ON THE PUBLIC TO DO MORE TO HELP INSECT POLLINATORS BY GROWING MORE "BEE-FRIENDLY FLOWERS" AND “CUTTING GRASS LESS OFTEN”.

HOWEVER UNDER THE "FIND OUT MORE" SECTION POTENTIAL POLLINATOR ENCOURAGERS WERE LINKED TO AN EXTERNAL WEBSITE WHICH LISTS HUNDREDS OF UK ADDRESSES, ALL OF WHICH THEN TAKE THE USER TO A SERVICE OFFERING “INDEPENDENT ESCORTS”.

DEFRA SAYS THE LINK ON THE BEES' NEEDS WEBSITE WAS CORRECT AT THE TIME OF PUBLICATION FIVE YEARS AGO BUT THE OWNER OF THE DOMAIN NAME HAD SINCE CHANGED AND THAT THEY ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR "THE ALTERNATIVE TO ESCORTS" SERVICE, NOR THE SLOGAN "GET LAID FOR FREE! SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO BE COMPLICATED".

THEY HAVE NOW UPDATED THEIR INFORMATION SINCE BEING ALERTED TO THE ISSUE AND THE WEBSITE NOW ASKS USERS TO SEARCH FOR THE BEES' NEEDS WEBSITE INSTEAD, WHICH IS RUN BY THE BUMBLEBEE CONSERVATION TRUST.

THIS WHOLE SCENARIO IS ALSO LIKELY THE FIRST TIME THE GOVERNMENT HAS EVER HELPED SEX WORKERS IN THE UK, ALBEIT INADVERTENTLY.

ONE GUARDIAN READER WHO SPOTTED THE ERROR SAID: “IT’S DISTURBING TO THINK PEOPLE SUCH AS MYSELF, WHO ARE SINCERELY TRYING TO HELP POLLINATORS, ARE NOT BEING DIRECTED TO THE CORRECT SITE. IT SHOWS THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY THE THREAT OF LOSS OF POLLINATORS.”

DEFRA DEFENDED THEMSELVES SAYING “WE ARE WORKING HARD TO SUPPORT OUR BEES AND OTHER POLLINATORS – AS THESE SPECIES ARE ESSENTIAL FOR POLLINATING CROPS AND IN TURN HUMAN SURVIVAL."

WITH THEIR BEING A 60 PERCENT DECLINE IN HONEYBEE POPULATIONS SINCE 1947, YOU’D THINK THERE WOULD PANIC STATIONS OVER THE MATTER. IT SEEMS SO OBVIOUS WE NEED TO ADDRESS FUNDAMENTAL ISSUES REGARDING OUR AGRICULTURAL PRACTICES AND HOW THEY ARE AFFECTING THE ECOSYSTEM. WHILE I’M SURE OUR GOVERNMENT TELLING SOME WELL-MEANING CitIZEN TO PLANT SOME MILKWEED ISN’T A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME, IT DOES FEEL LIKE YOU PUTTING SOME PIZ BUIN FACTOR-15 OVER YOUR MELANOMA .

THE MOST PERPLEXING THING ABOUT OUR “CONSERVATIVE” GOVERNMENT IS THAT THE ONLY THING THEY ARE INTERESTED IN CONSERVING IS THEIR FUCKING STATUS. IF THERE’S A SINGLE THING THEY’VE PRESERVED OTHER THAN THEIR INHERITED POWER, I’VE FUCKING YET TO SEE IT. SO GOOD LUCK MY TINY LITTLE BEE FRIENDS, BUT YOU ARE AS FUCKED AS THE REST OF US.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO

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