Life

All the Weird Stuff We've Heard People Say in Self-Isolation

It's only the first week of the lockdown and things are starting to get weird.
26 March 2020, 9:45am
Man holding two cans of beer
Photo: Emily Bowler

To borrow a phrase from rapper and social commentator Cardi B: “Coronavirus. Shit is getting real.” The number of cases in the UK is rising every day and this morning people across the country wake up in an historic and unprecedented lockdown. Access to the outside is limited to essential work trips, necessary shopping and medicine runs and one form of exercise a day (sorry, triathletes).

When similar measures were brought in across Italy two weeks ago, stories of neighbourhoods coming together in mass singalongs and balcony raves popped up across social media. As the Brits begin to grapple with the lockdown, it’s probably safe to assume we are but days away from a mass sing-a-long of Wonderwall making the rounds.

But for many of us – those with symptoms or who fall in high-risk demographics – the lockdown started days, maybe weeks ago. We checked in on some of them to hear some of the most ridiculous and deranged exhanges we all have to look forward to over the coming weeks.

“Gong. Gong. Gong. Gong.”
“What are you doing?”
“Explaining what a gong bath is on Houseparty.”

“What are you doing with the gerbil?”
“I’m making her meet Lilian’s bird on FaceTime.”

“If you can stay stood on that ladder till 5:30 AM, I’ll book you a holiday for when this all ends.”

“I think I’m going to go on Insta live with my new pottery wheel on Wednesday. Be good to share my journey.”

“What are you doing?”
“Teaching the cats to skateboard – get off my dick.”

“You know what, at least the cars are staying two metres apart. Fair play to them.”

“What are you doing?”
“Making us on Sims Holiday so we can actually go on a honeymoon.”

“Do you think we should stockpile some ice cream?”
“We don’t have a freezer….”

“I’m on a really tight deadline so I just need to concentrate for a couple of hours.”
“OK!”
Ten minutes later: “Who would you say were the top three actors called Chris?”

“Where are you going?”
“Outside, to catch a squirrel.”

“Maybe you should leave the bed? It’s been four days…”
“Who are you – the DWP?”

“Why do you have a bag on your head?”
“Fancied a change of scenery.”

“Yo look, I made a mistake. I miss you and I think we should maybe start chatting again?”
“Fuck no, we in a pandemic.”

“Do you think I should see if he wants to move in?”
“Who?”
“The lad from the bins.”
“Who?!”
“You know the one I banged last weekend, behind the bins.”
“Should you ask him to move in?’
“Yeah.”
“Do you know his name?”
“Not yet.”
“Why are you asking him to move in then?!”
“Because then I get sex for the next three months.”

“If I die, you’ll have to die too.”

“Is sperm antiseptic?”

“Does it count as socially distant if we don’t kiss?”

“If it’s through a glory hole and I don’t swallow, that’s fine right?”

“We should fluid bond with another house so we still get sex.”
“That’s disgusting. I’m in.”

“Have you downloaded HouseParty yet?”
“We live in the same house.”
“Yeah I know, but it’d be nice to chat on it for a change.”

“Did you see all the crocodiles have gone back to Venice? That’s nice.”

“Someone on Facebook just posted a status arguing that coronavirus was the invention of Greta Thunberg because it has seen a cut in carbon emissions. Coincidence innit!”

“I’ve started having really weird dreams. Last night I dreamt about homeless Ian Beale roaming Albert Square _28 Days Later_-style. Like what if he doesn’t realise they’ve stopped filming Eastenders and he’s just there alone?”

“Can you please stop texting me extracts of A Clockwork Orange? I am starting to worry about your mental health.”

“Be careful not to catch it! No kissing... ANYTHING. And wash your hands! xxx”

“They’re closing all the Ikeas. I’m actually done now.”

“Listen darling, I’ve heard from my Italian friend that greaseproof paper makes the best face mask.”
“Mum, you worked for the NHS...”

“We survived the war so we can make it through this. Also Homebase has 90 percent off.”