Life

Are You Getting Any? We Had Sex So Often, It Got In the Way Of Real Life

Calm and Violet found a way to balance intimacy and their responsibilities.
29 January 2020, 9:00am
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Violet (left) and Calm. 
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Welcome to 'Are You Getting Any?', a column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

CALM, 22 AND VIOLET, 22

Calm and Violet have been in an open relationship for nine months.

Quality of sex overall: 10/10
Frequency of sex: 10/10
Intimacy levels: 10/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 8/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 10/10

VICE: Hey, Calm and Violet. How would you describe your intimate relationship with one another?
Calm: Violet is the one who articulates our relationship the best.
Violet: Intimacy and sex-wise, it’s been so crazy coming together because I’ve only had sex one time with one guy. Calm is my first girl.

What was your relationship with sex like before coming together?
V: I did not get intimate with people and was content with that. I don’t need to seek that out, I don’t have that desire. It’s just never been in me to have that with someone. But with her, we’ve been having lots of sex.
C: Yeah. Well, I lost my virginity at a young age.
V: You’ve had multiple experiences and partners.
C: Especially with being open and having so many different types of relationships as well.

Is one of you more sexual than the other?
C: No, but I think people would think that. Maybe it’s because I have had more sex than you [Violet]? But you ignite more intimacy than me, would you say?
V: Like a "sexual ooze" sort of thing?
C: Yeah, I’d say so.
V: People are shocked when I’m like, "I don’t get with people because I can flirt." But there’s always a boundary, I’m such a control freak. I like to have boundaries and structure and know where my emotions are going. I think we’re two very different people coming together, with her having more experience and me not having a lot.

Calm and Violet say they experience intimacy without sex.

Has being together changed your views on sex**?** V: I was with someone for nine months and all we did was kiss, and that was my first girl thing. Every time she would try to progress to sex, I would be like, “Let’s go to bed now.” I wasn’t really into it. Before Calm, I wouldn’t do anything with anyone or anything like that. Now that I am sexually active, my views on sex are more comfortable. I’ve worked over my trauma and become more comfortable.

Why do you think you weren’t into it?
V: My issue was that I didn’t see myself as sexy. So how could someone else? That’s why I never got with someone, because it made me cringe. It became too much for me so I just cut it out. Now I'm in a relationship, I feel that I can tap into that side, like, “OK, I’m not that bad.”

Would you say that this relationship has helped you a lot?
V: Definitely! Oh my god, this relationship has helped me so much with my growth. Growing up and being Asian and all that stuff, there are so many barriers that I’ve had to dissect and teach myself.
C: Re-learning what you were taught.
V: Before meeting Calm, I was scared. I wouldn’t get with people, I wouldn’t do anything and now I’m open to having these experiences. Before I would be like, “Please don’t like me! This is not what you want.”

Is sex a big part of your relationship now?
C: It doesn’t keep it going, but I do love sex.
V: I think it is a big part in our relationship. We have sex a lot.
C: Yeah, and for a long time.
V: But in December, we were like, "Let’s go celibate. Let’s not have sex or masturbate, just so we have that control. So we know our energy can be used for something else."
C: For some people, it’s a necessity.
V: Some people will be like, "We’re not having sex and the relationship is going bad!" We’re able to be like, "Let’s try it for a month and see if it changes anything and if we learn anything for ourselves and as a couple." We do a lot of things like that.

How did you find your month of celibacy?
V: I mean...it lasted three weeks. [_Laughs._] But it was interesting.
C: Yeah, because we would have sex so often – even in public. It didn’t really matter where. It’s more our energy sometimes. It's not even having full-blown sex, do you know what I mean?
V: Wait, what?
C: Sometimes, it’s not even the act of having sex, it’s the bit before it – what ignites it and that being there all the time.

So, there’s always intimacy within your relationship without having sex?
V: Yeah, I could still be with you [Calm] and not have sex at all – we’ve had this conversation. Or I could be in a relationship with her [Calm] and she has sex with other people.

Violet, was intimacy difficult for you before Calm?
V: It was a journey. I would let her fuck me, but it took me a while for it to be a joint thing.
C: Yeah, it took a while for it to be fluid and to be able to switch.
V: And actually, to be comfortable with having sex in general and also having sex with a girl.

Did having sex with a girl add another daunting layer for you?
V: Yeah, at the beginning there’s the insecurity of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing. You’re like, "How the fuck do you eat a girl out?" It was a head-fuck for the longest time, but we talked openly about what she’s experienced with other girls because I wanted to learn. We talk like friends do. I’m like, "Tell me as if I’m just your best friend and exclude me as your girlfriend." At the beginning, I needed reassurance a lot.
C: But even being someone who has had sex with a fair amount of girls, it’s different.

What do you mean?
C: When you have sex with a guy, the guidelines are a little clearer. But every girl is so different. Every time you have sex with a girl, it’s like doing it again for the first time because it’s still a new body.

Okay. So, what do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
C: We’re having less sex?
V: Because of social media?

Apparently so, yeah.
Both: What?
V: I thought we would have more sex because of social media.
C: Yeah, that’s wild.

How do you think social media plays into our sex lives?
C: I’d say people are fucking more people because you’re fucking more different people, especially compared to the older generation because there wasn’t as much access.

Do you think you’re more sexually active than your peers?
V: Sometimes we’re like rabbits and –
C: Oh my god, like rabbits! [_Laughs._]
V: Yeah, there will be a weekend and that’s all we’re doing. But then there will be a period where we won’t have sex. But at the beginning [of our relationship], we had sex every single day. We’d have sex for, like, ten hours.
C: But it didn’t feel like ten hours.
V: Sometimes we’re like, "Maybe we do it too much." It came to a point where it stopped us from doing our responsibilities and seeing friends and our time.
C: We’ll be like, "Just 20 minutes" but then we change all our plans. Sex was controlling us to some extent.

So definitely more active than your friends?
C: Definitely more so than our friends.
V: We’ve been in situations where we have sex anywhere, everywhere.
C: Anywhere. Where there's a will, there’s a way.
V: It’s actually really crazy how far I’ve come.

Yeah. It sounds like it.
C: When people tell me things about how Violet used to be, it’s hard to believe it.
V: When I look back on my growth and my journey, I’m like, "Who the hell am I?" I never would have imagined it. Even as a couple, and being open, we’re getting used to our boundaries.

What do you mean?
V: Well, especially being femme, or not like typical gay looking girls, a lot of people are intrigued about our sexual life and give us propositions.

People proposition you when you’re out?
Both: Definitely, yeah.
C: Once a guy just wanted to see us take a bath together. Nothing else, just take a bath.

Is it always men?
C: Girls tend to just test how far they can push it. They do it in a more friendly way.

It’s less predatory when it's girls?
Both: Definitely.

Before, you mentioned that you’re in an open relationship. How does that work?
C: We’re not going out looking for it. But if that connection happens with someone –
V: I’m not going to deprive her. She might meet someone and have a different, intense connection. I would be rooting for her to entertain it.

Are there any boundaries in place for it?
V: Just tell each other ASAP. Besides being a couple, Calm is her own person. If she wants to go do something, she can do it. We have to work out of our jealousy and ego. Our main thing is don’t do anything in our space. We’re very sacred in our room and we don’t like to have any bad energies in here.
C: Yeah, our space is our space, we don’t bring it here.
V: Yeah, definitely go to their yard. This is our world.

Sounds like a healthy balance. Thanks Calm and Violet!

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@nanasbaah / @seriqueofficial