Rejoice! The Winter Love Island rejections have begun, and I for one, couldn’t be happier. Nothing brings me more joy than cosying up on a cold Sunday in January and watching someone being pied on national TV. It might be minus-one degrees outside, but at least you’re not sitting opposite a male model in South Africa as he explains why he fancies someone else much more than you.
It's only Week Two of Love Island's winter jaunt, and look, I'm not enthralled, I'm only watching because I literally have nothing better to do. If you, like me, do not enjoy socialising or sleeping and are also glued to the new series, please enjoy this week's Winter Love Island Power Ranking.
LEANNE AND MIKE
Very fucking cute, aren’t they? Leanne and Mike are both extremely good looking, which makes their coupling even more adorable. Now, I don't want to have a go at Mike, but I am a bit suspicious. Lest we forget that not long ago, his eyes rolled out of his skull right in front of Leanne when twins Jess and Eve walked in. However I will save my judgement until he next fucks up. So far, they seem smitten; Mike made that adorable re-coupling speech and Leanne looks like she might literally melt whenever he looks at her. Am I welling up as I write this? No, you are.
Feels really early to be bringing up long-lasting friendships, but this is Love Island after all. Leanne and Shaughna are so cute and funny together. On Unseen Bits, Leanne even gave Shaughna a pep talk when Callum was off galavanting with Eve. Good and wholesome.
SHAUGHNA AND CALLUM
I like Shaughna a lot. I can very much see her and Callum staying together and appearing on an entertaining episode of Celebrity Gogglebox.
Nas is one of the only boys who got to know the twins, which meant that his decision to send one home was based on some sort of reasoning. Plus, he deals with being teased for his height very well, especially when he’s in a house with people who are basically giants. A short king!
Connor has already shared that he has slept with "around 100" people twice this season. There was also talk of threesomes and everyone went really weird and judge-y. It physically pains me to have to defend Connor, but judging someone’s body count is scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel behaviour.
FINLAY AND CONNAGH
Last week, two new boys came in. I tried my best to not fancy Connagh but he is a model his accent is very hot, so I'm really happy to announce that I'm in love. We also have Finlay, who is apparently 20-years-old, but manages to look about 35. Both of them are unproblematic so far, so I'm happy to have them in the villa.
She reminds me of Lucie from last year. Siânnise is doing her best but ultimately, it’s not enough. I’m inexplicably very irritated by her. I’m so sorry Siânnise, please leave the villa immediately.
GOING HOME FIRST AND BEING FORGOTTEN IMMEDIATELY
Do you remember Eve? Or Ollie?
MINDING YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS
A concept that has yet to be grasped by some in the villa. That’s right Mike, I’m talking to you. On Sunday night's episode, he offered his “humble opinion” to Connagh after he picked Sophie at the re-coupling. Keep out of it, Mike!