Hello, I’m Bertie. What’s that? You’ve brought me flowers? Well isn’t that sweet. So, welcome, I guess. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. Do you feel a desperate urge to talk to strangers about yeast infections? Or study your genitals with a hand mirror? Yeah, me neither.

While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. What does that mean? I don’t know. Basically I’m not into horoscopes but I may implore you to read your future in menstrual blood under a full moon. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.

My first column is about the experience that inspired me to start cataloguing instances of girl talk uselessness.

Pretty Girl Bullshit #1: Thank You for Cumming

So female masturbation is totally taboo, right? Because whenever people do something and don’t talk about it, it automatically becomes taboo. I think. So weeing is probably taboo, and like, I dunno, eating pasties or washing your hair with body soap is taboo. Anyway, given that female masturbation is such a "taboo", and girls are so frightened of sex and our own bodies, totes OUTRAGEOUS vaginal freers Fannying Around organised a two-hour BYOB talk on it at Sh! "Women's Erotic Emporium" in Shoreditch. Yes, a lesson on how to flick, fondle and just generally abuse the bean. Or at least that’s what I expected, because unfortunately what transpired was less useful even than that. (Also, as a short disclaimer, I just want to say that if I knew guys were going to "Bring Your Own Brewski" chats on how to jerk it with added awesomeness, I would be seriously disturbed. I don’t really see how this is any different. But anyway, onwards and inwards. Or whatever.)
 
I was ten minutes late so I guess I missed the whole “Hi, my name is” stuff, and as I wandered in a woman already felt relaxed enough to declare “my fanny is quite shy”. Apparently going around the room saying how our "fannies" (eugh) felt was important, and when I said mine was “fine”, everyone (all nine of them) sighed with pity. (I’m sorry that I haven’t learned how to talk to my vagina yet, guys.) After everyone had "channelled their inner flaps” they started talking about how to have an orgasm. With a guy. Wait, what? I thought this was supposed to be about emancipation from our slave-cage of goal-orientated global patriarchy? I don’t want to sit and listen to women talking about how their boyfriends were “twats” who wouldn’t let them engage in anal play. No! This is all wrong!
 
So, I was a little disappointed, but I thought maybe that was just the foreplay before we started getting serious. The next topic: "If you can’t orgasm", was boring. Some poor girl had never had an orgasm (sucks for her). However, this brief therapy session was almost immediately interrupted by the question: “Seriously though girls, do you spit or swallow?” and it just all went tumbling downhill from there. The clearly drunk organiser giggled, “bit of both, roll it over your tongue like a porn star”, and then another girl started talking about how funny it was when she puked on some guy's dick in a forest one time.
 
After this educational segment, the drunk one got out her laptop and started showing us pictures of "real" vulvas. Thanks. I really don’t want to watch a slideshow of bald vaginas while you clutch the screen in one hand and a giant glass of Echo Falls rose in the other. The fact that every normal “cunt” (her word, not mine) on show was waxed to within an inch of its life was ridiculous. Laughable. I tried to laugh. A sob came out. The evening culminated with the recitation of a poem about getting eaten out by a dog. Cool. Unfortunately I learned nothing about female masturbation at this talk. I did, however, learn that there really are girls out there who desperately want to stick their fingers up boys' assholes. So that’s something.

Because I know that, as a hard-nosed pro journalist, it's my duty to educate and inform, here are some tips on how to get yourself off for the nine other people who went to Fannying Around and managed to teach each other absolutely nothing:

1. If, like these girls, assholes turn you on, try masturbating to a video of David Cameron talking about multiculturalism.

2. If you also suffer from "shy vagina", try exposing yourself in various public places. A therapist's office would be a great place to start.

3. If you find it difficult, or even impossible, to climax when masturbating, give the fuck up. Eat a box of Oreos. Who fucking cares.

4. Fight the impulse to tell me about it.

Thanks, and see you next week for more life lessons.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes