The Hangover News
The UK's big three parties regulated the press this week, but you were probably too drunk to notice.
THE UK'S THREE MAIN PARTIES HAVE REACHED A DEAL ON PRESS REGULATION
They still need to hammer out the details, but they're near enough there
After Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and Maria Miller, a senior Tory minister, locked themselves away until the early hours of the morning, a deal has been struck on measures to regulate the press, according to Labour's Harriet Harman.
The Prime Minister – who has previously opposed plans to introduce a watchdog backed by law – wasn't in attendance, but he was expected to meet the leaders of the other two parties this morning to go over the details.
Those details haven't been disclosed yet, but Ms Harman said, the deal was about making sure that there's an independent regulator "with teeth... so that if the press get something wrong, the regulator can direct them to correct it".
The deal will also allow the independent body to fine anyone who breaches its standards up to £1 million, which may explain – besides the whole government control thing – why one newspaper industry source told the BBC they were "instinctively uncomfortable" with it.
I guess one thing to take away from this is that the Leveson inquiry did eventually achieve something other than giving Hugh Grant some airtime and making everyone hate Piers Morgan more than they already did.
THE POLICE WERE BRUTAL ON THE INTERNATIONAL DAY AGAINST POLICE BRUTALITY
Nobody tells the police that they can't express themselves how they want to
On the 15th of March every year, a demonstration is held in Montreal for the International Day Against Police Brutality.
However, because the protesters never tell the police where they're planning on marching, there have only been two peaceful demonstrations in the last 16 years – the other 14 have all ended in the police getting angry and inflicting the kind of brutality everyone there is rallying against.
This year was no exception, with police arresting demonstrators before the march had even begun and ending the day with over 250 arrests, some presumably carried out normally and others – like the one above – by launching a bike at someone and slamming them to the floor, which isn't really a normal way to arrest an unarmed citizen.
You'd have thought that the police would be well aware of the irony of their actions and tone it down a little, but who can blame them? We all know how quickly reputation and self-awareness go out of the window as soon as you get the chance to crack some fucking skulls.
Papal First Impressions
THE NEW POPE SEEMS KIND OF ALRIGHT, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED
He still doesn't want gay people to get married, but he did say he'd like the church to be "for the poor"
In his first press conference, the newly elected Pope Francis explained why he'd chosen to name himself after St Francis of Assis, came off as a pretty informal, relaxed guy and made a load of journalists laugh.
The first South American Pope took to the stage in an outfit markedly pared down compared to his predecessor's iced-out wardrobe, looked at the room full of weary journalists and said, "You've been working, eh?"
The journalists laughed while the Pope chuckled – a friendly little love-in that's had plenty of media claiming that Francis' informal style is "becoming his trademark".
The Pope then explained that St Francis of Assis had "wanted a poor church", before saying, "Ah, how I would like a church that is poor and is for the poor," to a room full of applause.
Despite the fact he's still definitely very anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion – hardly a surprise as the leader of the Catholic church – he seems far more engaged and open than Benedict XVI, which can only be a good thing for the 1.2 billion people around the world who take him to be the mouthpiece for that all-powerful, bearded man in the sky.
A GREEK FOOTBALLER CELEBRATED A GOAL WITH A NAZI SALUTE
But it's fine because apparently he just thought he was pointing
AEK Athens midfielder Giorgos Katidis has been banned from international football for life after making a Nazi salute to celebrate his winning goal in a match against Veria.
The Greek football federation called it "a severe provocation" that insulted "all the victims of Nazi bestiality", but Katidis claimed that he is not a fascist, "would not have done it if [he] had known what it meant" and was simply pointing to fans in the crowd.
It is as yet unclear whether Katidis knows what "pointing" means.
Despite the fact it definitely looks exactly like a Nazi salute – something that's only alleviated by the current rise of the far right in Greece – Katidis has supporters, albeit supporters who effectively explain the salute as a result of the young player's stupidity.
AEK coach Ewald Lienen said, "He is a young kid who does not have any political ideas. He most likely saw such a salute on the internet or somewhere else and did it without knowing what it means."
Good Guy George
THE UK WILL COMPENSATE ANY BRITISH TROOPS AFFECTED BY THE CYPRIOT BANK LEVY
The Cypriot government want to take money from people, people don't want their money taken
George Osborne has said that the UK will compensate any British troops in Cyprus hit by plans to introduce a bank levy in the country as part of a £9 billion EU bailout.
The bailout basically means that anyone in Cyprus with up to €100,000 in their bank account will pay a one-off levy of 6.75 percent, while those with more in their accounts will suffer a 9.9 percent levy.
There are around 3,000 British troops stationed in Cyprus, who Osborne has said will all be compensated, as well as promising to protect any British government workers in the country.
The 25,000 or so British ex-pats living in Cyprus didn't get a mention, but why would they? They're all bloody traitors.
Residents have reportedly been queuing at cash machines for hours in a bid to withdraw their savings.
A MAN WAS SACKED FOR WRESTLING A SHARK AND SAVING SOME CHILDREN
He was supposed to be at work at the time, so I guess it's justified
Paul Marshallsea, a 62-year-old from Wales, has been fired after his boss saw a video of him on the internet wrestling a shark away from children in Australia while he was supposed to be on sick leave.
Marshallsea had been on leave since last April, apparently because of work-related stress, and claims his doctor had told him to take the holiday.
So as well as his life-saving, shark-wrestling exploits getting him fired, Paul is presumably now going to have to find a new doctor if he wants to avoid a hefty level of awkwardness, which must be a bummer on top of a bummer.