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In search of good dirty adult fun

VICE Staff

VICE Staff

I was recently forwarded this "clean cut" guy's advertisement for a "scruffy", "disheveled" and "unwashed" woman. Intrigued, I called the number at the bottom to find out just how desperate and depraved the man was.

*WARNING: THE CONVERSATION THAT FOLLOWS IS BOTH EXPLICIT AND DISTURBING, AND WILL PROBABLY OFFEND ANYONE WHO READS IT*

Vice: Hi, I'm calling from east London... I found your advert in the newsagents and I just wondered if you had a few minutes to chat?
Weird man: Hello?

Hi, I saw the advert...
Can I call you back? I’m in Sainsbury’s.

(15 minutes later)

Hi, are you okay to speak now?
Yeah... my name's Mike, what’s yours?

Ellen.
You know what I’m looking for, don’t you?

Erm, well kind of but can you just explain it a bit more.
I’m looking for adult fun... sex.

Okay, it says you’re 65... I’m actually quite young, so...
I know you are, I can tell from your voice, I could be too old for you. You got my age didn’t you? How old are you?

23.
Oh, that’s not too young is it?

Well...
I thought you were going to say 16 when you said you were very young!

Er, so where do you live?
Can I just say something to you?

Yeah.
Whatever you do, you’ve got to be completely comfortable, if you don’t want to do it then don’t do it, if you do want to do it then fine,

OK, I was just wondering, like, whereabouts do you live?
I live near Hounslow, which is quite far from you but I’ve got a car so I can travel.

Okay, that’s good. So... Er, well, I wouldn’t say it was an addiction but I do have a recreational sort of drug use thing...
I haven’t got a drug problem but it doesn’t bother me at all if you’ve got a drug problem. You can use drugs, I’m not worried.

Okay, that’s good.
All I’ve ever done is smoke cannabis and that was about 17 years ago.

Okay, so you don’t have a problem with drugs or anything like that...
No no no... do you inject?

Erm, yeah I do...
That’s alright.

So I can use at your house?
Oh yeah, of course.

Oh that’s good, we could do it together... it would be quite fun!
Yeah, okay.

Okay, the other thing is I’ve got a dog called Mr Bojangles with me as well and I really don’t want to get rid of him but if you want me to I will but... do you like animals?
I love animals, I wouldn’t dream of asking you to get rid of it. I’ve got a two bedroom flat...

Would you allow the dog in the flat? He's really friendly.
Yeah yeah yeah.

I thought you might not like it and I didn’t want to come round to your house...
I like anything, I can assure you.

Do you live on your own then?
Yeah, I was married but a long, long time ago. I can pick you up. I’m about an hour and twenty minute from your area, by car. So I can drop you back home again.

Cool, well, the other thing is, I'm kind of on the game too... I really need the money.
I’m not paying any fees, I did say that in the advert, didn’t I? No fees.

Oh no, I didn't mean it in that way.
Maybe I’m peculiar but I do like women who get fucked by lots of men.

Yeah, you seem quite open minded. Would you mind if I brought other men back to your flat?
No, not at all.

Do you have any children? I wouldn’t wanna upset...
No no no, I would like to see you by myself for the first time, obviously but after that if you want to bring someone back... as long as I can have you afterwards.

OK, can you tell me what sort of stuff you’re into? Or what you’d want me to do?
Well, first of all let me tell you something, I wouldn’t force anything on you at all but, having said that, I like everything virtually... I like oral, love giving oral.

OK.
Do you give oral?

Er, yeah.
Do you like anal?

I’ve never actually tried it but... I’m not against anything.
Well, we could start with a finger but it's like a virgin, you know... and I’m fairly big, I’m about 7 and a half inches.

Really? That sounds like it might hurt.
Well, we’ll do it gently, with a finger and what have you. I’ll tell you another thing I like, and I don’t know if you’ve done this before, have you ever done watersports?

No, I haven’t, what’s that?
Well, when you piss over me.

Oh, OK...
Then can I drink it?

Would I drink it?
No, I said I liked to drink it.

OK. Why are you into scruffy women?
Well, I like people who don’t wash, basically. It doesn’t bother me if they do wash but I love it when they don’t wash. I love women who smell.

I smell like a skunk who has been bathing in a sewer of sweat for the past month.
Mmmm... I like it when you’ve got BO under the arms and I could kiss you under the arms.

Er, so is it definitely okay for me to bring my dog to the flat? He’s really, really cute.
You don’t want to live in the flat do you?

No.
I have got other commitments. I’ve got a girlfriend who lives in Cardiff but she knows nothing about what I do.

How old is your girlfriend?
She’s 60.

Do you think she’d be upset?
No, she doesn’t know anything about it, I’ve been doing it for some time.

So other than anal and oral and the pissing thing, what kind of... do you use protection?
Not usually, no... But if you insist on it I would do but I try not to.

The only reason I would insist on it is not really for me it’s for you because I’ve got AIDS.
Well, you see I’ve thought about that many times and I don’t really want to catch AIDS obviously but, on the other hand, at my age, by the time that it came through it wouldn’t matter much would it?

I guess not... So is there anything else you want to ask me?
Well, I was going to ask you something but I’m not sure if I should or not...

Go for it.
Well, I’m gonna ask you but don’t be offended because it’s quite explicit.

What is it?
Have you ever had sex with your dog?

Erm, no... Why? Is that something you’re into as well?
I don’t know... I’ve never seen a woman have sex with a dog, I did know one woman who had sex with a dog when she was younger but I must admit I wouldn’t mind watching it if you wanted to but I wouldn’t insist on it.

The thing is, I do really care about Mr Bojangles but I’m not really... Isn't that kind of illegal? Didn't some woman get arrested for it recently?
You can do but she only got arrested for it because she was making porno films and they got into the hands of the police.

Erm...
This woman once told me when she was married she had a dog and she was walking around in her underwear and the dog came sniffing around her pussy and she pushed it away and the husband said, "Don’t do that, let’s see what happens," and it started off from there.

What happened next?
She started sucking the dog's cock and she let the dog put it’s cock into her cunt.

Well, I’m not saying I would definitely do that.
OK, don't worry about it. Is there anything you want to ask?

No, I was just kinda worried about the crack thing and the prostitute thing and the homeless thing and the AIDS thing but if you’re okay with that then that’s great.
If you want to bring clients back to my place it's fine... as long as you let me fuck you afterwards.

OK.
Have you got a mobile number?

No, I got cut off.
OK, well nine till about half past eleven in the morning I charge my phone each day so don’t call me between 9 and half 11 but apart from that you can call me any time, day or night.

Alright, I'll call you over the weekend.
Make sure you don't wash.

What, don’t wash for the next few days?
Don’t wash for the next weeks and weeks, I love it when you’re dirty.

I can do that.
And certainly, if you’re on drugs, fine – you can inject yourself here.

Before, I go, can you also get some dog food for Mr Bojangles? He hasn't eaten properly in a while. And can we take him to the vet before? He has to have a tooth out.
Yeah, just make sure you call me this week...

OK. Bye.