Assessing the Legacy of Dre and Snoop's Coachella Tupac Hologram

As anybody with an internet connection can't fail to have noticed, Dre and Snoop resurrected Tupac on stage at Coachella on Sunday night. Luckily they didn't have to resort to a series of elaborate pulleys or some kind of Illuminati black magic, they took the Red Dwarf route rather than the Aleister Crowley route and used a hologram. Thank god they also had the kind of budget that meant it wasn't just a poster from Camden Market of Pac and a weed leaf that moves when you walk past it, so it actually looked fucking great (and presumably really, really creepy to all the people at Coachella who were tripping balls). So I think we can all agree that it was good, so good, in fact, that it was possibly the best thing that's ever happened in the history of the world. But like all the best things in life, although the short term pay-off was a moment of perfect bliss, the long-term ramifications could, in time, come to tarnish it. So here's a list of ten things the music industry SHOULDN'T do now that it has hologram technology at its fingertips. #1. The Music Industry Shouldn't Go into Retromania Overdrive

In his latest book, music theorist Simon Reynolds states that our culture is wedged fast in a state of "Retromania," and is "in love with its own past." Reynolds argues that this is detrimental to new music (though anyone who's listened to Ed Sheeran, Reynolds's favorite pop act of the last decade, would argue that new music ain't up to all that much anyway). Basically, we're stuck in purgatory between "Lionel Sings Country" and Chase & Status, and now that there is no section of pop's past rendered inaccessible by death, there's a chance there'll be even less space for new music to exist in. It's not hard to see how that might affect live music. Think it sucks having every festival you go to swamped by fat dads who are only turning out to see whether or not J Mascis can still shred? Wait till grandad's fingering grandma in the cheap seats at Brixton Academy as the holographic Don McLean Weezer hired to open up for them recreates the memory of their first kiss (and a dog jumps through a hoop on fire or whatever else it is that happens at a Weezer gig).

#2. The Music Industry Shouldn't Get Rid of "Artists" Forever

There'd be so much fucking money in music if it wasn't for those pesky "artists" with their "royalties" and "creative control" letting the side down. But now that they have holograms, the big cheeses might decide they don't need to deal with the pretensions and unreliability of real people any more. Instead, they could package off a recorded show from 1974 and tour it all over the world. Sure, people might pay less, but there'd be no overheads and no performance fees. The live music junket would be reduced to a handful of traveling salesmen traversing the globe with a projector and some CD-Rs in a box. No more rock and roll excess. No more sky-high carbon footprint! Oh no wait, that sounds fucking terrible, so please refrain, music industry.

#3. The Music Industry Shouldn't Let Axl Rose Die

If you are one of those people who's stupid enough to think that Axl will rouse himself from whatever Viper Room coke vortex he's in to get on a plane and headline a metal festival in Rotterdam, you've probably been let down a few times. But if the music industry abuses this new technology, Axl might not even have to pretend that he's thinking about showing up any more. But while you're tucked up in bed with all your favorite songs from The Spaghetti Hologram? still ringing in your ears, spare a thought for poor Axl—the man uses the illusion that he remains a functioning performer to keep the most precarious of grips upon reality. If the music industry takes that away from him, he surely would not last long. #4. The Music Industry Should Not Preserve All Artists at Their Peak Pac? Yes, he deserves it. Ditto, say, The Clash in the Summer of '79. The Teardrop Explodes doing "Reward" on Top of the Pops. Tin Machine. With hologram technology, you can have all your favorite performers at the peak of their powers forever, but is that really what you want from life? Remember, death is a natural process. It's important for artists to die, otherwise you're putting pressure on every living band to be perfect for thirty years and everyone knows there will only ever be one Red Hot Chilli Peppers. #5. The Music Industry Shouldn't Let Squabbling Musicians Stage Holo-Reunions It's not just musicians who've been buried that we can get back on stage now, it's musicians who just can't bury the hatchet. No doubt the shittier members of double acts will try to apply this to make millions of pounds without having to deal with more "difficult" ex-bandmates ever again. If the Carl Barats of this world are allowed to get their way, in the future, every band will be more like Dirty Pretty Things than The Libertines. How's your singing prole washerwoman, Winston Smith? Not alive? Didn't think she would be. #6. The Music Industry Shouldn't Stop Us Rapping Terribly at Parties So you're at a party and someone puts on "Juicy" by Biggie. It's a masterpiece, but it needs some live vocal performance to take it to the next level. It's your time to shine, but if the suits decide to produce and market home hologram technology, you'll be able to summon up the man himself in your own kitchen. Which would suck, because everyone knows that ten drunk white guys shouting along to "Ignition (Remix)" is the best part of any party. #7. The Music Industry Should Think About the Groupies

Hey groupies, sick of waiting in the cold for D'Angelo to finish his sixth encore, while having to deal with the possibility that you might get palmed off on his backup triangle player instead? Don't worry, you can learn from millions of less attractive people around the world and discover that virtual sex can be as good as the real thing. But it's not, of course, and this is the problem: You can't fuck a hologram. And because getting laid is the only reason people make new music, this could be the final nail in the coffin for the art form itself.

#8. The Music Industry Shouldn't Allow Charisma Vacuums to Become Gods of the Stage

Ever see one those hyped-up American bands who sound fantastic on record, but on stage come across like a bunch of dudes who work in a patent office? It's an inherently disappointing experience that most Pitchfork readers will be able to sympathize with. But with the miracle of holography, Marcus Mumford might not have to look like a trainee chartered surveyor any more, he could look like Perry Farrell in 1987, or Perry Farrell now if you really wanna freak people out. Think this can only be a good thing? You're wrong. Because the fact that he looks like shit is the only thing holding Mumford back from the total world domination that he so clearly craves.

#9. The Music Industry Needs to Think About the Drip-Down Drugs Trade

Ever notice how, at the bigger raves and smaller festivals, drugs seem to make you a lot happier and then take a lot longer to recover from afterwards? It's not just the post-party blues giving you panic attacks at your desk well into the working week, drugs really are better at mid-scale musical gatherings. Why? Because the dealers bring their best stuff along for the performers to take, and when they've taken enough, they drip down the rungs of the event's social ladder like party mucus in your sinuses. (I'm taking for granted here that you know at least five people who are DJs/ musicians/ party promoters of enough renown that they'll be able to hook you up. If you're not, why not? Everyone's in the music industry these days. They've got holograms, FFS.) Anyway, touring musicians are money machines to local dealers: They drop, snort, and dab, and they'll most likely be back to do it again soon. If the product's good, the musicians have got a zillion friends and touring buddies to recommend it too. Holograms can't take drugs, so naturally, if they proliferate, that would screw things up pretty spectacularly.

#10. The Music Industry Needs to Remember That Holograms Don't Have Feelings

Forget tears in the rain, what about tears in the piss? Do androids dream of (getting hit in the face with) festival pee? Obviously no one would dare arch a bottle of urine the way of a legend like Pac, but there's nothing more real than a guy getting a bottle of it in the face if he sucks. Can't do that with a hologram, can you? Would just pass right on through.

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