Holy Shit

Ed Sheeran Got Drunk as Shit and Hit Justin Bieber in the Face with a Golf Club

"I was like, ‘Fuck, I need to aim this properly.’"

by Phil Witmer
06 March 2017, 9:36am

This article originally appeared on Noisey Canada.

If life were an MMORPG, Ed Sheeran would not be the expected bard, but rather, a warrior specialised towards dealing and taking lots of damage as a tank. He'd also be chaotic neutral. He got sliced by a sword during the "knighting" of fellow singing Englishman James Blunt, and his combat prowess has now only grown after The Guardian ran an interview with him that revealed the tale of a harrowing, drunken golf club duel with Justin Bieber.

Okay, so it wasn't exactly a duel, but to hear Sheeran recall it:

"We were in Japan. We'd been out to a dive bar. He just drank water and I got hammered. Then we went to a golf course, and he lay on the floor and put a golf ball in his mouth and told me to hit it out of his mouth. I was like, 'Fuck, I need to aim this properly,' and I swung... saw his security guard looking at me like" – he pulls a horrified expression. "I'd cracked Justin Bieber right in the cheek with a golf club."

He goes into great detail about the specific sound the golf club made, too, because as a musician he cares about sound design.

" know in films when someone gets punched, and you hear that fake sound, like a slap? But in real life when someone gets punched, you hear that dull thud, a bit sickening? I heard a sound like the last one..."

It's a hell of reversal of expectations to have Bieber a sober victim and Sheeran the inebriated instigator, but in general, the latter comes off self-aware and irreverent throughout the Guardian piece ("Do I sound like a cunt?" he asks the interviewer at one point). There's tidbits about his wealth and how he wants Divide to be this generation's O by Damien Rice, meaning he'll want it to be featured in whatever this generation's Lost is (Westworld, maybe?). You can read the whole interview here, even though Bieber's final fate remains a mystery.

Phil has only rolled damage classes because tank is too much of a responsibility. He's on Twitter.

Justin Bieber
Ed Sheeran